If you’re living with family estrangement, changes are you have talked about it with someone.
You may have talked with your spouse, a close friend, your pastor, or someone you trust. Perhaps you’ve spent hours trying to understand what happened and what you could have done differently.
Talking can help. Even talking with a close friend or spouse. But sometimes, after the conversation is over, you find yourself right back where you started. Replaying the last conversation.
Wondering whether you should reach out.
Questioning whether you were wrong to set a boundary.
Feeling guilty for enjoying your life when an important relationship is broken.
And asking yourself the question so many affected by estrangement eventually ask:
Why can’t I get past this?
The answer isn’t that you haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe healing simply takes time.
Estrangement Rarely Happens Overnight
Think about what happens when you break a bone. You don’t expect it to heal the day it happens.
A professional evaluates the injury, puts things into proper alignment, and provides the support needed for healing. Then comes something no one can rush – TIME.
The bone gradually heals.
Family estrangement is certainly different from a broken bone, but there is something we can learn from the comparison.
We shouldn’t expect an emotional wound that may have developed over months – or even years – to disappear after one conversation.
Estrangement often carries a long history with it. There may be hurt, misunderstandings, rejection, unmet expectations, family patterns, difficult personalities, words you wish you could take back, and questions that may never be completely answered.
That’s a lot to unravel.
The Goal Isn’t to Fix the Other Person
One of the hardest truths about estrangement is also one of the most freeing:
You can’t control whether another person changes.
You can apologize, forgive, communicate differently. You can leave the door open and establish boundaries. You can pray. But you cannot make another person walk through that door.
That’s why I believe healing from estrangement can’t be measured only by whether reconciliation happens. There is another kind of healing available.
It’s learning how to heal your own heart and live a healthy, meaningful life even while part of your story remains unresolved.
Moving From “How Do I Fix This?” to “How Do I Live Better?”
This is where the work begins to change.
Instead of spending all your energy asking:
“How do I get them back?”
You can begin to ask:
What is in my control?
What belongs to me and what doesn’t?
Do I need to reach out, or is it healthier to step back?
What boundaries do I need to establish?
How do I keep this relationship from affecting every other one in my life?
Who am I apart from this estranged relationship?
Those questions aren’t answered once and forgotten. They are lived out daily.
That’s one reason I believe there can be value in a coaching process rather than expecting one conversation to change everything.
Over time, you have an opportunity to recognize patters, work through decisions as they happen, practice healthier responses, establish boundaries and begin seeing your situation differently.
Of course, the goal isn’t to stay in coaching forever. It’s to allot the appropriate time, clarity, and tools you can continue to use long after coaching ends.
Your Peace Doesn’t Have to Wait for Reconciliation
This is the message I most want women experiencing estrangement to hear:
Your life doesn’t have to remain on hold while you wait for someone else to change.
You can still hope for reconciliation. You can still love someone from whom you are estranged. You can still pray for them and yourself.
And at the same time, you can begin building a life filled with relationships, purpose, laughter, faith, and peace.
The estrangement may always be an important part of your story. But it doesn’t have to become the whole story.
Healing doesn’t necessarily mean you stop caring.
It means the relationship no longer as the power to determine whether you are okay. Whether you are whole or not.
And just like many forms of healing, getting there often takes time. And that’s okay.
You don’t have to figure out how the whole story ends today.
You only need to decide what your next healthy step will be.
If you’re navigating family estrangement and feel stuck about what the next step should be, I offer one on one coaching for women dealing with estrangement from adult children, parents, siblings, in-laws, and other important family relationships.
We can start with a conversation about where you are, what you’re struggling with and whether coaching might be helpful for you. It’s a free half-hour call.
Reach out today so we can get scheduled.