A question most mothers ask when their kids are estranged is why. Why did they walk away? Why won’t they talk to me?
Often, the estrangement lasts a prolonged period before any communication takes place. Alternatively, communication ensues but it isn’t the kind for which you hope.
Think back to the last conversation you had with an estranged adult child. Was anger involved? Shouting? Emotions run high and drive a further wedge in an already fractured relationship.
Three primary reasons are the cause of adult kids staying silent in estrangement.
Fear of Further Conflict
When past conversations have been conflicted, your adult child wants to avoid further confrontation. No one likes explosive conflict, including your kid.
Preparation for reconciliation begins in your heart. You can’t have a civil and fruitful conversation when your heart holds anger and resentment.
Rather than reaching out or criticizing your kid for not speaking, resolve to work on your heart. I’ve created a guide to help you facilitate this process. Download it free at https://www.beckykolb.com/guide
Second, Your Child May Not Understand Their Own Feelings
Sometimes estrangement is the result of misunderstandings. Words are spoken and received in a manner not intended. Seek to understand where hurtful words originate.
For example, is the estrangement due to a divorce? Mine was combative and hurt my kids immensely. Often, kids stuff their feelings and aren’t sure how to resolve them. Much less reconcile them with a relationship with you.
Therapy may be required if deep hurt is tearing your family apart. As an adult child, however, you cannot force it. They must be willing to seek it out on their own. You can encourage but leave it there.
Is it possible your child’s spouse is undermining you? This is a frequent statement I hear from women. And if it is true in your case, you’ll need extra patience and wisdom to navigate.
Tips to Employ with Your Kids Spouse
When your kid’s spouse has interfered in your relationship with your son or daughter, your response can make or break estrangement.
Unless an abusive or illegal situation is involved, your kid’s first responsibility is to their spouse. They desire and deserve respect – even when you don’t agree with them.
Remember your parenting days have ended. You did the best you could and now you’ve raised an adult who is married and may have their own family. Parental involvement is a killer of relationships if not managed correctly.
- Resist the urge to speak negatively about your kids’ spouse.
- Don’t involve yourself in their marriage or parenting styles.
- Show respect – even when it’s not shown to you.
- Forgive often and love deeply.
Forgiveness is the secret sauce to your peace and the free guide mentioned above will help you begin the process to forgive. Consequently, you’ll be in a much better position when reconciliation talks commence.
Reason #3 – Silence is Easier than Vulnerability
Silence may be golden to some, but not in a healthy relationship. You want open and honest conversation. But is that even possible?
It is and requires you to be open and honest with yourself and with your child. Perception is reality and whether what they’ve accused you of is true or not, they perceive that it is.
It’s impossible to sit idly by when accused falsely, but this is a key step if your desire is reconciliation.
- Hear them out. Don’t interrupt. Take notes if needed so you can come back and provide explanations.
- Resist the urge to defend yourself. What your kid says may not be true of you, but in their mind,
I recall a particular conversation with a daughter who was estranged for an extended period. She called and spoke for over an hour. I listened and when the conversation ended, I told her that God had been in the midst of it, because for the first time I listened with both my ears and my heart.
- Apologize for issues that arise that may have been your fault. Don’t be so proud that you can’t admit fault. Try to see this conversation from their perspective.
- Provide a safe and respectful environment. Control your emotions and keep your voice even and steady. You are demonstrating that you can be trusted with their words and emotions.
- However, don’t allow disrespect, name calling, or deterioration of the conversation. Establish ground rules ahead of time and don’t be afraid to call a time out or reschedule if needed.
- Remain hopeful and prayerful. Ask God to change your heart and give you courage and discipline. Remember your love and goal to reconnect with your child.
Will you Dare to Be Authentic
Vulnerability is frightening. It requires opening your heart and emotions to someone else. Naturally, questions and fear arise. Can I trust this person? Will they judge me? How will they respond?
Be courageous and vulnerable with your kid. You may have deep and hidden pain they know nothing about. Issues that date back to emotional setbacks in your own life. Set the example, if warranted, to be vulnerable with your kid as you talk through issues.
And finally, don’t rush this process. Baby steps are what you seek. Once you understand these three barriers in estranged relationships, you can adjust your perspective and mindset.
You can listen to a recent podcast for more information on why estranged kids stay silent at https://www.beckykolb.com/73
Until next time, remain hopeful and prayerful. God is ready and able to help you.