What’s the difference between expectations and boundaries? I’ll admit I didn’t fully understand for many years. Unless you’ve been forced to examine this in your own life, I bet you may not either.
Let’s start with expectations. That’s what we’re most familiar with and it’s often where our trouble lies. I’m guessing some of your biggest disappointments come from unmet expectations.
Once I realized I was setting myself up with these expectations, I began to explore alternatives for peace of mind. There’s nothing like expecting something reasonable for someone and they don’t come through.
Expectations
Shouldn’t we have expectations of others? I mean, don’t you expect your children to obey you? Do you expect your family to speak to you kindly and respectfully? Those seem like reasonable expectations.
Well, it depends.
You establish expectations for your kids when they are at home. Adulting can be a different story. Consequently, you expect your friends to be loyal and confidential and they betray you. A marriage may go awry and the expectation to love and be faithful to you fails.
Furthermore, broken promises surface. Kids don’t visit. Grandkids don’t either or when they do, they are distracted. You lose your job, that’s no fault of yours. And health deteriorates.
So how can you protect your heart and experience peace amid these things? Should you stop trusting anyone or anything? That’s not the answer. But it’s what many people do.
What if we set boundaries in lieu of expectations? What would that look like?
Boundaries
How is a boundary different than an expectation? Expectations are external and focus on others. You expect something from someone, and they disappoint you.
Boundaries on the other hand are internal and focus on your needs. Now, I’m not suggesting that you focus only on you and forget everyone else. You’ve been around those people who feel it’s all about them and that’s a big turn-off too.
A healthy balance is desired.
A friend in a group you frequent is a gossip.
When you are with them, they constantly berate people you love and care about. You’re certain what you say isn’t kept confidential. It isn’t possible to distance yourself from that person without being with the others in the group.
A boundary to consider is to tell the person that you aren’t going to listen anymore to gossip. Explain that you love and care for others and it is uncomfortable to you when they berate your friends.
You’ve spoken your feelings and asked for something. If it happens again, remind them what you asked and let them know that any further attempts will be risking the friendship. And you may even consider telling them that if it continues, you’ll be forced to share those comments with those being discussed. That should solve the issue.
A family member is particularly difficult.
They consistently create drama, and you leave full of anger and turmoil. Or worse, they ignore you and keep important things from you. You feel left out and isolated. Because it’s family, you feel your options are limited.
Several years ago, a granddaughter decided she no longer wanted a relationship. It’s been a sad situation. She now has children of her own and we aren’t a part of any relationship with the great grandkids.
Recently, we saw a post on social media that she had another baby. We had no idea she was even pregnant. That’s a punch in the gut.
It’s possible to love and care for someone who doesn’t feel the same about you. But if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t understand that, you may be in for some hurtful times.
How do you deal with something like that?
First remove any expectations you may have. And then set the boundaries where you’ll focus on your needs and work toward a solution to better control the situation. Creating distance is one of the best and easiest solutions.
You may not be able to avoid the situation completely, but you can control the frequency of the visits. And you can keep conversation light and avoid sharing personal things that make you feel vulnerable.
Expectations and boundaries are always a delicate balance.
Co-Workers
One of the most troubling and anxiety-filled situations is when you are ignored. I remember a luncheon with co-workers and a vendor. Everyone was talking and I listened and then spoke up and immediately a team member cut me off and the conversation changed.
I felt humiliated and frankly felt like crawling under the table. My husband was present and felt the anger rise in me. I was quiet for the remainer of the lunch until we were in the car. He told me he knew why I was angry and understood why. That validation meant the world.
And I vowed right then to make a change in the relationship with that co-worker. My boundary was that I wasn’t going to be disrespected. For future conversations, if that occurs, I will simply say “excuse me, may I finish?” I just didn’t have the presence of mind that day and that angered me too.
You are a valued human being with so much to offer. Don’t let rude and disrespectful people tread on your precious soul.
Expectations and Boundaries
I want to share five thoughts to consider when you know you’ll be around someone that is either difficult or one that you simply do not like. It’s okay not to like people. These five steps helped me shift my mindset and that was helpful for the duration of the visit.
- Accept what it is.
Recognize the relationship for what it is. Even if you’ve tried 100 times to change it, you’re only one part of the equation. It is what it is. Learn to accept and be okay with that.
- Accept the other one for who they are.
They may have a wounded soul from something in their past. Their walls go up and they are unable to return the love and friendship you desire. They are also valued human beings.
Consider that they may not be able to meet the expectations you have for the relationship. How they treat you is on them – not you. It’s about their view of themselves and it is displayed in how they treat others.
- Be true to your values
No matter how they treat you, vow to be who you are at your core. It’s okay to be guarded in what you share. You know who you can trust with vulnerability. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you can share your heart with them. But you can always be kind and respectful.
- Create healthy distance
It may not be possible to avoid them altogether. You can be less available. Create more time with healthy relationships.
- Stop trying to reason
You’ve heard that when someone offends you, it’s best to go directly to them and respectfully let them know. That can be a solution. Sometimes it isn’t. You’ve tried it before but nothing changes. The disrespect continues.
Either they know and don’t care, or they’ll turn it back on you. I once shared a hurt with someone, and they immediately began to blame me for their behavior. Has that happened to you? Remember, their response is about them – not you.
Accept their jabs or digs as their weakness and how they feel about themselves. Then let it go and create distance.
Congratulations! If you follow these tips, you’ll be well on your way to overseeing expectations and boundaries. You’ll protect your heart and the values you cherish. Personal growth can be difficult but rewarding. Consider this part of your personal growth.
Until next time, remember boundaries are internal and about protecting you. Take some time to reflect on how you can establish them in your life.