The real loss in estrangement is more than just the loved one who chose to walk away. Often, it includes grandchildren or great-grandchildren. Consequently relational loss creates heavy baggage that you were never meant to carry.
A dear friend shared with me that her daughter chose to walk away 20 years ago. While it was true that issues had arisen, she didn’t think it would create estrangement. The daughter’s decision also extended to her three children and so the loss for my friend was extensive. Daughter, son-in-law and three grands.
Her heart was broken as she prayed that one day her daughter would desire to reconnect. She’s still waiting.
How Do You Navigate Such Loss
Have you ever been on a mountain hike? Some climbs are quite steep with 1,000 foot elevation gain in a short distance. Combine that with lugging a backpack full of emergency food, water and other necessities and you sense the heaviness of that climb.
Navigating the real loss of estrangement can be like that hike. It’s heavy. How do you keep going? My first encouragement to you is to realize what you can control and what you can’t.
You’ll soon realize that the only control you have is yourself.
My friend reached out numerous times to her daughter only to be met with total silence. She was disappointed, heart broken and even angry.
Exercising Control Where You Can
When you learn to control your emotions and thoughts, you’ll discover the estrangement hike is less painful. Even a bit lighter. Choosing acceptance over anger is hard, but it’s a decision that will bring peace as you pray and wait for God to work.
Forgiveness is the linchpin that will truly set your heart free. Forgiving a loved one who has removed you from your own grandkids lives is not easy. However, God tells us to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. Learning how to forgive is helpful. It’s not a one-and-done but rather a process. Listen to this podcast if you are struggling with forgiveness. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/44
Redirect Relational Loss
Understandably, you miss your loved one and any relationships that went along with the estrangement. Turn your thoughts and attention to other kids and grandchildren and relish those moments.
Consider volunteering in the community or at church. You’ll discover entities that need mother and grandmother role models. Fulfilling their needs along with your desires that have disappeared can be peace and joy.
Choose to Let Go
Real loss in estrangement creates deep and painful emotions. Forgiveness and redirecting your roles are helpful. Letting go is another necessary step. It doesn’t mean you let go permanently. You choose to let go of the painful relationship for now.
Pray that God will work in their heart and yours. Your heart is the only one that you can control, so choose to surrender to the one that can heal your heart and prepare you for some day when God may reconcile and heal the estrangement.
If you’ve tried these steps and still find yourself reeling and unable to forgive and find peace, coaching may be the next step for you. Consider a free initial consultation call. Reach out at www.beckykolb.com/consultation