Today’s episode is about mothers who have strained or estranged relationships with an adult child. A mother’s love is a different relationship than any other she may have in life. Whether you birthed or adopted your child, your love as a mother is fierce, protective, and unending.

If you are like me, you’ve experienced some rough patches throughout the rearing of your kids, and you may have rightful anger and even indignation about parts of their choices in life. But your love remained unconditionally. Because they are your children no matter what they have done in their past.

And that makes it even more difficult to deal with an adult child who has decided they don’t want you in their life anymore. It may be because of something you’ve done or not, but whatever the reason, it’s painful. But a mother’s love will not die.

Let’s dive into today’s episode to find out how to deal with an adult child’s rejection and your undying love and desire for connection with them.

Find the full transcript for this episode plus resources for women at Estrangement: Turning Pain into Peace at beckykolb.com/12.

You Know Where the Bodies are Buried

One of the things about family estrangement, especially between an adult child and parent, is you know where the bodies are buried. You’ll remember to your dying day all the joys, celebrations, family vacations and all the fun things.

You’ll also remember the hardships, lies told, and choices that led to trouble. And for some drug or alcohol addiction, jail time and serious issues that wreak havoc on your family life. The good and the bad – that’s what families are all about. An a mother’s love remains through it all.

Unlike you, your child doesn’t know the deep issues in your life. You may be a survivor of sexual or physical abuse. Or one rejected by a parent growing up. A mother typically does not share some of her deepest secrets with her children.

Partially out of a desire to protect them. And frankly you may not have dealt with those painful issues in your past and aren’t ready to share any of them with your kids.

And as a result, as kids blossom into adulthood, they only know you as their mother and not the pain you experienced throughout your life. They may judge you harshly for decisions you make because they don’t understand the reasons behind your choices.

Cause of Estrangement in Adult Kids

There are many reasons why parents and their adult children are estranged. Let’s talk about a few of the major ones.

Divorce

As mentioned earlier, your adult kids cannot know the intimate details between you and an ex-partner. Nor does anyone else. But that doesn’t stop the judgment and accusations from everyone on the outside.

Even if divorce occurs when your kids are adults, both of you are their parents. The kids don’t want to hear bashing either during or following a divorce.

I understand the need to justify your decisions and actions, especially if you are being wrongly accused or judged by those that do not have any idea what is behind your decision. And if you’re not the initiator, you may feel the urge to make sure your kids understand the terrible thing your ex did to you.

But using your kids as a sound board or bashing your ex to them only hurts them further. Protect your kids by keeping your emotions, accusations and judgements between you and your ex. I wish I had done a better job of this.

Family Drama

I spoke to a woman who made the decision to avoid a relationship with her father who was divorced from her mother. As a young adult and later as a wife and mother, she tried to have a relationship with him and his second wife.

She spoke of the drama that existed when they got together. Game playing, comparison, and negative comments about her mother.

After repeated conversations with him and no changes made, she decided to reject a relationship with him. Those are complex decisions, and it was excruciatingly painful for her. But she felt a mother’s love is to protect her own sanity and her children from the drama. It was the only choice for her.

Time will tell if it was the right decision or not. But she needed to decide for her mental health, and I applaud her for trying to work through it and coming to a decision.

Abandonment

Estrangement often happens because of a parent abandoning their child. It may have occurred at birth as it did for me. Or it may have been later in life. Either way, the pain of abandonment is deep and can cause you to have trust issues. If you can’t trust the parent who was supposed to love and protect you, who can you trust?

The intense feeling of being unwanted affects every aspect of your life. You feel like you’re not good enough or never measure up. And that spills over into your parenting and may cause issues that lead to estrangement.

Abuse

Another major cause of estrangement is physical or sexual abuse. Kids who grew up in homes where abuse was present act out as they grow up. And left untreated, emotional damage will affect every aspect of life. Often, the estrangement never ends between an adult child and abusive parent. And in some cases, it should remain permanent.

Abuse of any kind is extremely damaging to kids, and it offers spills over into their adult relationships with their own family. Counseling is almost always necessary to heal from this kind of abuse.

There are many causes for estrangement between parents and their adult kids. These are some of the bigger ones that I hear about in coaching.

No matter what has happened in your family life and what the estrangement is about, I know a mother’s love is undying and often the adult kid still needs that reassurance. Issues that led to estrangement are an opportunity of growth for you. Coaching by an independent third party can help you identify areas of growth to explore and help you move forward.

How Much Should a Parent Tell Their Adult Child About Your Past?

How much you choose to tell your adult kids about your past is a personal decision. A good rule of thumb is that if knowing about something would help or protect them, then it’s a promising idea. That’s especially true in abuse situations. You may need to tell them to protect not only them but their children.

If telling them is to settle a score or bash someone they love, then it is best left unsaid. Kids are resilient and as they grow up, they’ll have questions about things. And if they ask, you should be truthful. Concealing the truth will create further issues for you.

If the estrangement is due to a divorce, know that one person is never 100% to blame. But almost always, one person receives most if not all it. A mother’s love desires to keep her children’s pain to a minimum. So here are some tips and remember the kids will have their own thoughts about it as they mature in life.

If you practice the conversation with those 4 points, you’ve done all you can. The judgements and accusations will still come. The guilt and shame will seem overwhelming. But you are the parent. Do your best to protect your children through it. And make sure you are protecting your own mental health too.

If the estrangement is due to something else, do your best to protect your adult children and tell them information when needed. Keep to the facts and leave the emotion out. Your children may experience issues in their adult life, marriage, family, or workplace. Your willingness to be vulnerable at an appropriate time may be the salve they need.

A Mother’s Love is Always There

When I sought a divorce, my kids were devastated. I won’t go into detail here, but you can read my full story of rejection, guilt, and shame and how I overcame the intense emotional pain. Just go to www.beckykolb.com/guide and you’ll be able to request the download there.

Sometime just knowing a mother’s love is undying and ending is what you can hold on to. When accusations were hurled at me, I knew the truth and that was that I loved my kids dearly. You’ll need to learn to tune out the hurtful accusations meant only to destroy relationships. Those are the things that held me together. And they will help you too.

 Where are you with Your Adult Kids?

If you’re a mother and estranged from an adult child, I want to encourage you. They may not want a relationship with you now or ever for that matter. But be encouraged. I’ve learned that life can take twists and turns you never imagined.

And as a mother, I know your love is deep and abiding for your child – not matter their age or the present circumstance. No matter what has been said or perceived otherwise.

Here are some things you can do.

Finally, keep your hopes high and your expectations low. Expectations that are unmet just bring on resentment and sadness. Let it go. Pray for them. Be open to a conversation when they are ready and if that time comes, listen and resist the urge to interject your thoughts without truly hearing them first.

This is fundamental if a relationship is to be restored. By now, you know that the blame is never one-sided. You’ll need to hear your kids’ side and accept your part in the painful separation. Hopefully, they will do the same. And then you’ll both need to forgive.

That’s the hardest of all. If you haven’t already listened to an earlier podcast on Forgiveness. You can find it at https://beckykolb.com/6-3-steps-to-forgiveness/

A mother’s love goes hand in hand with a mother’s pain. Whatever has happened to cause the estrangement, emotional pain is significant. I know you love your kids every bit as much as I love mine.

Sometimes you must allow them the time to heal from things you may not even know about. Post estrangement, they may have experienced issues with their career, their marriage, or their kids’ problems. The truth is that neither you nor your estranged child know what’s been going on in your lives during the estrangement.

I’ve been where you are. I know the emotional pain and I also know that a mother’s love is forever. Even when it isn’t felt or received. Hold on to hope and continue to work on your own growth.

Feel free to reach out with your story or any comments about today’s message. You can reach me at https://beckykolb.com/contact/

Until next time – Remember to be better – not bitter!

TOPIC: Podcast