Forgiveness is often associated with negativity. You don’t want to forgive. You don’t believe someone who has hurt you deserves forgiveness.

I understand those feelings. When someone abandons you as a child, it isn’t easy to forgive. When betrayed, it’s difficult to even say the word. You may even want them to suffer in the same way you have.

What if I told you that’s a natural response and one shared by millions of women just like you? Our innate reaction when hurt is to retreat and hope the same befalls our offender.

But I am living proof that will not get you where you want to be. Holding on to bitterness and refusing to forgive is a poison that will eventually destroy you.

My mother once told me “You’ve had a lot to overcome.” And she’s right. The pain of abandonment, physical abuse, my own poor decisions, and rejection left me a mess. The last thing I wanted to do was forgive someone.

Step 1 – Lack of Forgiveness Hurts You

Listen, I understand that you may not want to forgive someone. I get the pain that lingers in your heart. You weren’t the one that created this dysfunction in your family.

A parent may have abandoned you. Or, abused. Or betrayed. The emotional pain runs deep and often clouds decisions you need to make to find your peace.

Conversely, you caused the situation. In my own life, I made some decisions that hurt a lot of people. That caused rejection for many years.

For a long time, I played the blame game.

• Yes, I had made some bad decisions but so had they.
• They were Christians – shouldn’t they forgive?
• I had issues in my childhood that weren’t my fault, so who were these people to judge me?

Sound familiar?

But in that blame game, there’s never a winner. Lack of forgiveness will keep you in turmoil and prevent you from moving forward. You’ll be stuck in the mire and mess of the situation until you can remove yourself from that game.

Did you play games as a kid? Remember when someone was cheating and you said, “that’s it, I’m not playing anymore.” Do that to the blame game. Get out!

Step 2 – Take a Trip Inward

Now, this isn’t a trip you would have at the top of your bucket list. But it’s a necessary one to move toward forgiveness.

Now that you are exiting the blame game, it’s time to find some quiet space alone. You may want to take paper and a pen. Here’s what I want you to consider.

• Resist any thoughts that enter your mind to blame anyone else for your estrangement or current situation. Remember you quit the blame game so don’t reenter.
• Begin to think about your part in the situation. What actions have you taken that may have contributed to this place you’re in? What attitudes?
• Have you done things in your life that needed forgiveness? What were they? Did you ask for and receive forgiveness?

Since everyone has done things that would necessitate forgiveness, I am assuming you answered affirmatively. A scripture that blew me away says this in Matthew 6 of the Bible.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins”.

That stopped me in my tracks. I wanted to be forgiven, so how could I continue to withhold forgiveness? A sobering thought to spend some time considering.

Step 2 involves taking stock of your own life. Your actions, thoughts, attitudes, and willingness to offer and receive forgiveness.

Step 3 – Forgiveness is a Choice

You may think that forgiveness is an emotion. Therefore, if you don’t feel like forgiving someone, then you can’t do it.

Let me debunk that lie for you. The truth is most of us would never feel like forgiving someone who abandoned, abused, or hurt us. Why would we? That’s our human nature.

As a Christian, I wanted to do what God had taught because I wanted forgiveness, and I wanted peace. What I learned is that forgiveness is a choice. It’s not an emotion.

It’s not letting someone off the hook. It’s not about revenge It is a choice you make to no longer hold it against them.

For the Christian, it’s giving it to God and letting him deal with it. You see if it were left to us, we would seek revenge. But God seeks restoration. You can’t see clearly from the pain you feel to judge rightly. But God can.

You can make the choice to withhold forgiveness and stay stuck in upheaval and emotional pain. You can continue to eat the poison and hope the other person dies. But is that what you really want?

Most say no. I want peace. I want to be done with this emotional pain. I want to let it go. Then make that choice to offer forgiveness.

How To Make the Choice to Forgive

When you are ready to make the decision, you simply say I forgive whomever. I don’t feel forgiveness right now, but I want to forgive them and let this go.

If you are a Christian, say this to God. It’s good to have someone that knows you are making this brave and difficult decision.

And understand that you may have to make this same decision and statement every day for a while. Multiple times daily. And eventually, you won’t feel the bitterness anymore.

I promise you, if you take these three steps and truly make the choice to forgive someone, you will find the peace you seek.

It’s utterly amazing to think of things you’ve done in your life and to know that a loving God has offered his forgiveness to you. Try to keep that in mind as you extend forgiveness to others. It helps.

Until next time – Remember you are a beautiful and amazing woman!