Rejection is a painful emotion. Whether it’s the little girl on the playground who is overlooked or a dream job that slipped away, it’s hurtful. And its effects can be lasting.

When I first began thinking of this topic, I related it to estrangement. If you’ve been rejected in a relationship, you know the pain and triggers that can keep you from moving forward in life.

As a woman who has had a fair share of estrangement. I feel your pain. I know the depth of emotions and the negative self-talk that looms. And you feel as if its just you. None of your friends are experiencing this level of rejection. Or are they?

I’m learning that rejection is a universal issue. Its target isn’t just women but children, siblings, parents, grandparents, co-workers and well – everyone.

So how do you deal with this rejection? What mindset needs to shift? What behaviors can change so that you can live your life to the fullest without guilt and shame so that you can move on? I’ll share that with you today.

3 Steps

When dealing with rejection, I’ve discovered three steps that will enable you to heal, grow and move on to the life you want to live. These three things are simple but not easy. But if I can do it, I know you can too. And the peace you’ll experience will make it worthwhile.

I’ll go into detail for each of these later in the show but here are the three steps.

• Acknowledge the issue and the pain
• Learn the valuable lessons learned
• Finally, let it go.

Now, as I said, these are three simple steps to move on from rejection. But the success is in the work. So, stick with me and let’s move on to the first one.

Acknowledge the Issue and the Pain

Rejection hurts deep into the soul. Just think of being a young child on the playground who so desperately wants to be chosen on a team. One by one a leader calls another child, and it isn’t you. The next one will be. You aren’t a child, but you may feel like it when rejection of relationship’s stings.

If you’ve heard some of my earlier podcasts, you know that my biological father left me and my mom when I was an infant. I didn’t feel the rejection until I was older and learned that the man I called Dad was my adoptive father. I felt betrayed, curious, and angry all at the same time.

• And later in life following my divorce, I gave up an adopted child and my family rejected me because of that decision. That estrangement lasted several years.

• I’ve spoken with a woman whose sibling has decided to reject her and they haven’t spoken in years. She has no idea what prompted it.

• Another couple told me that their adult children haven spoken to them in over ten years.

• And one more had her heart set on a particular promotion. She felt great about her chances. She was well prepared and interviewed well. But she was passed over for someone with less experience. She was crushed.

I know of no rejection that feels good. Even if you are angry with someone and never want to speak with them again for something they may have done, it still hurts. Deeply. And unlike a physical pain that gets better over time, emotional pain can linger until you deal with it.

So, the first step to moving on from rejection is to acknowledge what happened. Admit to yourself that you’re in emotional pain. Say it aloud. The freedom we feel internally just by acknowledging and admitting this aloud is healing. Now, the second step.

Valuable Lessons

Here’s where the challenging work begins. This step may take a few weeks or months. Take as much time as you need as it’s the most critical.

Rejection creates separation and it’s a time you can give serious thought to what happened. You’ll learn some valuable lessons that you can use for the rest of your life. And don’t do this when you are feeling angry or sad. You need a clear head.

When you are hurting, it’s easy to find someone to listen to your side of the story. Sometimes over and over. I remember a time in my life where I would recite mine to friends. Initially, they felt sorry for me but after hearing it multiple times, well they just don’t want to listen anymore. And it isn’t healthy for you to continue that pattern.

So, set aside some time with a journal and pen. Keep an open mind. Ask yourself some questions and write your answers as they come to you.

• When did this situation begin?
• What were the circumstances?
• What part did you play in the rejection?
• How could you have managed it differently?
• How have you been overseeing your pain?
• What do you want to happen (reconciliation, peace, etc.)
• What can you do to work toward that goal?
• If you could say anything to the person who rejected you, what would it be?
• What would it take for you to forgive the person? Would you forgive them if they asked you?
• What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned about this since it began?

Write down the date you begin the journal. Think about your answers for the next few days. In a couple of weeks, do it again and see if any of your thoughts or answers have changed. Pay attention to your emotions and how they change. I think once you do this over a couple of months or even longer, you’ll begin to see a pattern of growth. And some unbelievably valuable lessons you’ve learned.

• The separation is a time of tremendous growth in you.
• The time apart gives them a break to seek the real cause of the rejection and deal with their own emotions.
• You’ll grow to a new place of deep respect for yourself. You may begin to see the situation differently and determine ways that you can reach out in a new manner.
• If you decide not to rekindle the relationship, you’ll still learn valuable lessons that will help you develop even healthier ones.

When you’re rejected, you tend to focus on the rejection. What? Why? How could they? But what if you shifted your mindset to new possibilities that might not have occurred otherwise? Learning a new perspective makes all the difference in the world to your emotional well-being and provides unlimited growth prospects.

Remember this exercise is for you alone. The growth is all about you and an effort to help you move on, let go and find peace. And now, step three.

Let Go of the Pain of Rejection

I won’t sugar coat it. We know rejection is an intensely painful emotion. Finding a way to let go will be a salve to your soul.

When you’re rejected, you tend to focus on the rejection. What? Why? How could they? But what if you shifted your mindset to new possibilities that might not have occurred otherwise? Learning a new perspective makes all the difference in the world to your emotional well-being and provides unlimited growth prospects.

And it’s that growth that will lead you to step three. And that’s finally letting go of the pain for good.

Now, I am fully aware of the triggers that can bring back painful memories.

But what I discovered, once I let go, is that the painful memories just came for a short visit. They didn’t stay long. And oh, the joy I felt when I could see how far I had come.

For me, I discovered some strategies that helped when those triggers came for a visit.

• Focus on who you are – really! Not who others say you are or who you feel you are. You’re a woman who is beautiful, caring and a great person. Keep going.
• Recite some affirmations. I know this sounds corny but believe me it works. Write down 5 positive statements about you starting with I AM, or I CAN, or I WILL. I am a great coach who makes a difference in the lives of my clients. Make it unique to you and say these aloud to yourself. I know I always look around too just to make sure no one is listening to me. These are just for you!
• Divert your mind. Don’t let the emotion or trigger linger. Go for a walk, read a book, put on some music and dance.
• Find joy in the relationships you have. Family, friends, co-workers, or neighbors. Seek them out and enjoy them.
• There’s nothing wrong with feeling the emotions. Just don’t let them stay too long. They’re a reminder that you’re human and have a heart.

When the Rejection Continues

When you’ve grown and moved on, but the other person hasn’t or won’t, what do you do? It may be necessary for you to be around this person if work together or if they are family. You’ll need to develop some strong affirmation statements. Here are some examples.

• I have moved on and won’t allow negativity to ruin my day.
• I am on the high road. They get to choose what road they will take.
• I will choose kindness and respect in all relationships.
• If they try to trigger me, it’s an invitation and I have the power to decline.

You get to choose how you want to respond to all situations and relationships in life. You can harbor bitterness and throw out sharp digs if you want. Or you can choose who you want to be – kind, respectful, a good listener, generous…you see the point.

Practice these 3 steps.

• Acknowledge the rejection and the emotional pain.
• Learn valuable lessons just for you.
• Finally let it go.

And you’ll experience the inner growth and peace that follows. You’ll find power there.

Following these steps has made me a better person today. And I’ve discovered a lasting internal peace despite my circumstances. You can learn more by downloading my story and discovering more of my tips at https://beckykolb.com/guide/

Until next time – Remember to be better – not bitter!