You’re hurt by words spoken to you by a close friend or family member. It’s a recurring thing. Pain permeates your soul. You may regret words you spoke or hurtful and vulnerable emotions you shared.

Where does the relationship go from there? Do you walk away for good this time? Do you keep trying and reaching out? You feel like your heart can’t take much more. You’re stuck.

Conflicting emotions rage inside. You love this person, but conflict is at the heart of the relationship. You wonder if it can be resolved. It may be time for hard conversations. If this resonates with you, please stay with me today. I know it will speak to your heart.

How Did We Get Here?

It’s helpful to set aside emotional pain for a bit and reflect. Whatever caused the latest blow up or conflict is a symptom of a bigger issue. Take some time to think about the relationship. Meditate on these questions and open your mind to the thoughts that come to you.

Take a day or some extended time to reflect on these questions. Me? I like to jump on it. It’s been said I don’t let any grass grow under my feet. My husband says my middle name is “Do it now Becky.” That’s not always a good thing. Truthfully, the longer I resist responding and think about the situation, the more insight I receive. And I know it will be the same for you.

Your mind can only manage so much at one time. When you allow the situation to sit in an idle position for a while, you can deal with memories and thoughts as they come. And it will be helpful to you as you consider your next steps.

It’s Not Always About You or Them

Hard conversations are necessary in conflict. So is respect, honesty, forgiveness, and love. Especially if you want to pursue a healthy relationship with the other person. Without those things, you make accusations and replay your pain. And so do they and it gets you nowhere.

I’ve had relationships where the other person experienced deep pain in their own life. And it affected how they interacted with me and others. The issue is never resolved, and new ones arise. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you feeling exhausted.

If that occurs with you, step back. Really consider that question I mentioned about the desired outcome for the relationship. Whether it’s family or a close friend, you need to establish boundaries around this, or it will destroy you emotionally.

You are not responsible for their response or actions. You are responsible for how you respond when those outbursts occur.

Consider that their response is about them and not you. Removing the personal sting helps you see things from an unfamiliar perspective. Understanding that they may respond from a place of insecurity or deep internal pain is insightful but not an excuse to endure.

Boundaries

That’s why boundaries are so important. Allowing yourself to get into a mentally healthy environment is paramount. It takes a lifetime for some people to heal from emotional wounds. And if you are in a relationship with someone who experiences these outbursts as they heal, it affects you too. You may need a coach or a licensed therapist to assist.

That’s where I come in. I’ve had years of experience dealing with emotional upheaval, rejection, angry outbursts, and unfounded accusations. After years of challenging work, my wounds have healed. I still have setbacks and deal with close friends or family that haven’t healed. So, I understand your pain and deep desire to get a resolution.

How to Have Hard Conversations

Once you’ve reflected on the questions I mentioned earlier and taken time to dig into all of it, you can begin to formulate a plan to have the hard conversations. Unless you want this to escalate into another chaotic session, give serious thought to this plan.

It doesn’t matter who initiates the conversation, consider these tips.

If you follow this guide, it will set the stage for a productive meeting.

Moving Forward

Once you’ve had that conversation, reflect.

Assuming the desired outcome is to re-establish a healthy relationship, you’ll need answers to these questions. Whatever agreements you made, honor those. Regardless of whether they do or not. Regressing into another cat fight isn’t going to help anyone. Be trustworthy and honor your words.

Do you have an accountability partner? A spouse or friend that can be a neutral sounding board and help you? I’ve found that a spouse can be both good and bad. My husband is unique. He always has my back. He will support me to the dying end. But he’ll kick me in the butt when I need it and help me see where my thinking is faulty.

Find someone you trust that can do that for you. Neutrality is particularly important. You don’t want a gossip session but a true accountability partner that will help you move forward, grow, and stay true to you and your word.

Estrangement

Despite your best efforts the relationship may not move forward. I’m just being honest here. Your desired outcome may have been to have a healthy relationship. Agreements were made and you kept yours. It’s possible they are unable to move forward.

Truthfully, you are only responsible for you, your actions, words, and responses. Moreover, you expect them to keep their word and rise to begin fresh and new in the relationship. What if they aren’t able? What if after they’ve thought about it, they don’t want a relationship?

Estrangement ensues. Please don’t get hung up if that happens. Sometimes it’s for the best. Think about this.

Do you want to be in the relationship as it was?

Are you willing to allow your emotions to be stomped on again?

Do you want to focus on healthy relationships?

Estrangement has a negative connotation. And we don’t want to be in an estranged relationship. It hurts. You feel rejected, unloved and all sorts of emotional pain.

But think about peace. When the other person is unwilling to be in a healthy relationship with you, you’ll no longer have to deal with the drama and the pain.

Even if they are family and you’ll find yourself together at times, you’ll focus on the relationships that are good and healthy. Or you’ll decline an invitation and do something else.

And estrangement doesn’t always last forever. Sometimes, the distance and time heals people. Other experiences they have may help them see things differently. It’s possible that a healthy relationship may be an option later.

Hard Conversations are Called Hard for a Reason.

Maturity, respect, and honesty are required in healthy relationships. Listening intently and understanding is necessary. Equally important is agreement on a resolution. And if you are both committed to a healthy relationship, you can get there. It may take time, but it will be worth it.

Or it will result in estrangement and I’m encouraging you to be okay with that if it becomes a reality. Don’t let it reflect negatively on you.

You feel abandoned, but you aren’t. Focus on those that love and support you.

You feel guilt and shame, but those are accusations and labels you can kick to the curb. You’ve dealt with them and given your all. The outcome wasn’t your decision.

Judgement permeates your mind as you realize the other person has trashed you to others. Reject judgement and know that you are loved and valued by other people. Turn to them for support and continue to get out and do fun things with your friends.

My friend, you can’t control other people. They may judge you, but they don’t have all the facts. What about the people they’ve gossiped about you too? You can’t control that. Understand that they have a lopsided view and let it go.

Even though you desire a healthy relationship with someone doesn’t mean they are able to meet that expectation. And that’s okay. You’re okay. Time to move on and accept an estranged relationship.

Final Steps in Hard Conversations and Estrangement

Finally, if you’re ready to take a new step with a relationship and give it a fresh infusion but don’t quite know what to do, then I am hopeful some of the tips I’ve given today will be helpful. And if you’ve tried some of these things and still feel stuck, well maybe it’s time to read my story.

My story is filled with rejection, pain, divorce, estrangement, and a long road to healing. The result is relationships that have been restored better than they ever were before.

It’s a story of passion and purpose as I discovered one that loved me more than anyone else and helped me gain new footing in life.

That footing has led to healthy relationships with some and strategies to deal with those that aren’t healed. Furthermore, it helped me gain insight into my passion and purpose in life. Want to hear more? Just go to www.beckykolb.com/guide/download

And if you found value in today’s show, don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast on your favorite listening platform. You can help me and others by writing a review that helps my podcast reach more people that want encouragement and help to deal with difficult and estranged relationships.

That’s it for today. Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman! And you can do anything you set your mind to! Here’s to healthy relationships.