As I talk with women about reconciling estranged relationships, I find a common theme that is an obstacle for them.

Sometimes it’s on the part of the woman I am speaking with and sometimes it’s the person with whom they desire to reconcile.

It’s a 5-letter word that keeps you stuck and its as common as peanut butter and jelly. Its name is Pride. I see it in many women I work with, and I’ve seen it show up in my own life all too often. It can be described as having disdain or little if any respect for another’s perspective.

It can also be an unwillingness to admit any wrongdoing, whether it’s an action or an attitude. And left to itself, it is the #1 obstacle that will kill any chance of reconciling and restoring an estranged relationship.

Now, I’m not casting any judgement here because I’ve had my share of pride and stubborn refusal to recognize and admit my part. And if you are serious about desiring reconciliation, you’ll want to keep reading.

It Doesn’t Matter Who Did What

Unless of course it is abuse and that’s a much different conversation. Women I speak with that have suffered abuse at the hands of another would never have a desire to reconcile. So, this episode is for those estrangements apart from an abusive relationship.

I worked with a woman who told me her adult kids would have nothing to do with her because of her faith. People today are not speaking to close family or friends over political views. And others are estranged because of something that happened long ago and one person can’t move on.

I’ve experienced estrangement from a father that abandoned me and my mother at birth. I’ve had estrangement due to other family issues. Some I contributed to and others I did not. And women also tell me there are times when they have no idea what caused the estrangement. One day, the other person just decided they no longer wanted them in their life.

It really doesn’t matter who did what in the overall scheme of things. Yes, I get that someone hurt you. I understand that you want to rehash what happened. And I even understand that you want others to side with you and understand how deeply you were hurt.

But if you truly want a chance at reconciliation, you’ll need to let go and shift your focus.

#1 Obstacle to Reconciliation

I’ve already stated that pride is the #1 obstacle to reconciling relationships. No one understands better than I do how difficult it is to let go of that pride.

You have your version of what happened in your mind. They have theirs. Who’s right? What if I told you that maybe both.

Your feelings and perspective are uniquely yours and the same goes for the estranged person in your life.

Consider the woman whose adult kids have abandoned the relationship.

Can you see how they are both right in their perspectives? So, what do you do? Reconciling this one is going to require some pride adjustments on both sides. And if neither is willing to do so, then it is doubtful anything improves.

This may be a minor infraction compared with some more intense estrangement, but you get the point. Pride is a killer.

Reconciling Estranged Relationships

If pride is the #1 obstacle, then it makes sense to take a long hard look at it and examine how it is affecting your actions and attitudes.

Remember I mentioned my biological father abandoned me and my mom when I was an infant. I decided as a teenager that I wanted to meet him. After all, he was my father, and I wanted to know what he was like. He came to meet me for lunch one day and told me some things that caused me to be angry with my parents.

Those things turned out to be untrue and so I wanted nothing to do with him. For many years we had no further contact. Through a series of events, I wound up in the same town as my biological grandmother and so I reached out and met her and my aunt. I was married with a young son and my desire to reconnect with my father returned.

I decided to give him another chance and reached out once again. This time, I was older, wiser and not about to let him get by with untruths. I found that he too had matured, and he took responsibility for his actions. It was his ability to let go of his pride and reach out with honesty that enabled us to begin to rebuild a relationship that had never existed.

What he did to my mom and me was on him. He had paid the price and missed out on my life growing up. I could have held on to my pride and refused to forgive him as I had done for many years. But then we would never have moved forward. The relationship wasn’t a close one, but we connected and stayed in touch until his death a few years ago.

Letting Go of Pride

Women often ask, how do I let go of my pride? Reconciling estranged relationships is important to me, but I just can’t let go of what they did or said.

It’s hard right? It was and still is for me.  You may be focused on being right and seeing things from only your perspective that you’re blinded. That’s what pride does to us.

There is a Proverb that says, “Pride goes before destruction.”  Unchecked pride can destroy any chance of reconciliation. It can kill not only that relationship but others too.

Here are some strategies to help you let go of that pesky pride.

There are some tips that will help you begin to break down the prideful wall and that reconciling estranged relationships is possible.

What to Do When Nothing Happens

It’s so frustrating to humble yourself and try to see things from another’s perspective. You desire reconciliation but the other person apparently doesn’t. Nothing you do seems to work. They don’t seem to care that you are growing and trying.

Believe me, I get this one. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, nothing changes. It seems fruitless to keep trying. You may have the attitude of why bother.

Well, let me encourage you. You’re doing this for you – not them. Reconciling estranged relationships is the goal, but the #1 priority is for your mental health and peace.

When you let go of your pride you have taken a step toward the possibility of reconciliation. But even if they do not want it, you’ll grow as a person. Bitterness fades into the woodwork. Joy returns to your life. The best thing you can do is keep working on you. Your attitude and actions are important to your health.

Someone recently asked me how to handle a situation where they want to reach out without that prideful attitude but the other person either doesn’t respond to any communication or has changed contact information.

To that I say, continue to work on you. You aren’t responsible for their attitudes. You can still work through the strategies mentioned earlier. You can improve your attitude about the relationship. By doing so, any anger, resentment and bitterness fade into the distance. And if they do decide to reach out at some point, you’ll be in a much healthier place to deal with it.

Reconciling estranged relationships is a monumental task sometimes but breaking it down a little at a time will help your perspective shift and your pride fall away. I can tell you that my overall mental and physical health improved dramatically when I took these steps. And I know yours can too.

I’ve written an eBook entitled Estrangement: Turning Pain into Peace and it’s about my life story and how I struggled with guilt and shame. My estrangement over many years of my life threatened to undo me. Can you relate? There are principles and strategies that you can use, and I encourage you to go to my website at www.beckykolb.com and on the home page is where you can ask for that free eBook. I hope you’ll check it out and let me know how it helps you in your struggles with estranged relationships.

Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman!

TOPIC: Podcast