I have a gift for the estranged in today’s episode. After all, it’s the gift giving season, right? Estrangement creates sadness and accentuates that we feel unloved and unwanted. I am hopeful that you’ve read my story of estranged relationships. It’s on my website.


Would it surprise you to know that not all my relationships have been restored? Like you, I struggle at this time of year when families gather. We see and hear about families gathering with laughter, hugs, and happiness. And we think we’re the only ones suffering with estrangement.

First, that’s a lie. 70 million people live with estrangement. Secondly, social media is not your friend. People only post what they want others to see. No one posts about their crazy aunt and her disturbing antics.

Or the father who failed to show for his kids. Or the drunk relative who always makes a scene. So, grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and unwrap the gift I want to give you today.

The Gift That Keeps Giving

You’ve received an unwanted gift, right? One that was re-gifted or something that you would never use. We’ve all had those. Estrangement is like that.

Unwelcome gifts such as:

I’m especially tuned into your emotions this time of year because I know it helps to know you aren’t the only one dealing with craziness at holiday time. People have told me that vulnerability is what resonates most. It’s my gift for the estranged this year.

Christmas is for the Kids

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone learned this truth? Of course, we all enjoy the holiday traditions. Sometimes the traditions and preparations stand in the way of what the holidays are all about. Faith, family, and holiday foods.

As much as you love those things, Christmas is so special watching the wonder and excitement in the kids. We love to watch them rip open their gifts with wide eyes and expectations. And then toss it to the side as they grab another gift to open.

I love decorating for the holidays. Filled with joy, I unpack the ornaments and remember the special memories of where each originated. My husband and I buy an ornament when we are on trips. One of my favorites was a river cruise on the Rhine with ornaments from various cities in Germany and Switzerland.

What I miss most is the laughter and wonderment of kids that were content gazing at the lights. Special are the memories when the room was full of kids and their excitement. Growing up our home was full of people – sisters and their families, parents, grandparents and sometimes a cousin or two.

Estrangement created for me a loss of those memories. Because of it, I couldn’t spend much time with my grandkids and the few times together came with stress and conflict. I missed them terribly and still do. But I’ve learned to enjoy those around me and the step-grandkids and focus on the relationships I do have.

Enjoy the memories and traditions, but don’t lose sight of the kids and the simple reminders that it really is about them. Whether they are your flesh and blood or not.

Co-Parenting at Christmas

Speaking with a woman recently, she shared the story of sharing her kids with her ex-husband. Invariably, an argument ensues. He’s late again and always making excuses. He brings his new girlfriend. He’s once again asking to return them later than agreed upon. Co-parenting anytime is hard, but in the holidays, it can ruin everything.

One Christmas it was my daughter’s turn to be with me. Her Dad sent her without any warm clothes, and it began to snow! I also shared that we would be going to a teddy bear tea, and she would need appropriate clothing. You guessed it – no appropriate clothing and so off to the mall we scurried.

To coin a famous phrase, “Why can’t we all just get along?” That’s a gift for the estranged. But don’t hold your breath. Holidays can bring out the worst in people. And I’m sensing you need a gift for the estranged.

My advice is to take draw on your inner strength, overlook offenses and do your best to make it an enjoyable holiday for your kids. And then get a massage when it’s all over.

A Gift for the Estranged

I know you’ve been waiting for it. My gift for the estranged. I have a few for you to unwrap. I hope you have your coffee, tea, or beverage along with paper and pen. Here’s the first one.

Relax.

Perfection is a myth. Oh, I understand that you want the house to be free of clutter, the decorations to be bright and merry and the food to be hot and delicious at just the right time. Let me share an example from a dear friend.

Plans outside the home for the day necessitates preparing most of the meal ahead of time. Christmas dinner was a fresh turkey with stuffing. Full of excitement for the day, the turkey was ready to go in the oven. Timer was set and when her family returned, the aroma would fill the home.

Perfect, except that she forgot to put the turkey in the oven. The timer began as set, but with no turkey in the oven she returned to sheer panic. Alternative plans quickly came together, and a lifetime Christmas memory was to be remembered annually.

You Aren’t Alone with Estranged Relationships

Remember earlier I said that 70 million people are estranged from someone they love and care about. Estrangement creates that illusion that it’s unique to you and it’s not. I now know of other friends and family members that are estranged from someone. But at the height of mine, I mistakenly whispered to myself “It’s just you. Everyone else is fine.” Send that voice packing!

Anticipating Issues with Estrangement

It’s the holidays. Even the closest families have arguments, misunderstandings, and drama. Anticipate issues that might arise without dwelling on them. Chances are you are aware of situations that could arise, so plan your response so that you aren’t caught off guard.

One Christmas I recall being overly anxious about a family gathering. It was unique to other holidays, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. What might happen? Naturally, we don’t think about those things that might go right. Just what could go wrong?

Well, in this case, the anxious thoughts were much ado about nothing. Everyone had a grand time. New friendships were forged, and they’ve gone down as nicely memorable.

What to Do When the Estranged One isn’t Present

My heart feels the depth of your pain as I’ve experienced holidays with an estranged family member. All I could think about was good memories. Minds play tricks on us. Those memories may have been great, but I’ll bet they weren’t without some conflict or stress.

My encouragement to you is to remember and cherish the good memories of past holidays together. Say a prayer for your estranged loved one. If appropriate, consider sending a text message that wishes them happy holidays and let them know you are thinking of them.

And then redirect your thoughts to the present. Who is with you this holiday? What new memories are you making? Reflect on how you’ve grown this year. And celebrate those wins!

Commit to forgiving Those With Whom You Are Estranged

Bitterness and anger will never set you free. Forgiveness will. Consider listening to an earlier podcast specifically on the process of forgiving. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/6

If you can find a way to forgive those who have hurt you, it will be the gift for the estranged that you’ll never forget.

Finally, unwrap your gifts one at a time and savor the joy. A child’s smile, twinkling lights, the still quiet calm before chaos and even a rare holiday alone or with your love.

Holidays are stressful even in the best of circumstances. Add in the estrangement, arguments, bitterness and anger and you have a recipe for the worst situation.

Whatever events you face during the holidays, just know you aren’t alone. A peaceful, family-filled loving time is what we all desire. But it just isn’t in the cards for some. Especially those with estranged relationships.

Enjoy A Gift for the Estranged

My hope is that you will take the gifts I gave, unwrap them gingerly, embrace each one and enjoy this holiday for what it is. For several years, it was just me and my husband. The estrangement hurt, but we learned to enjoy each other’s company while discovering new traditions unique to us.

And my parting gift is to lighten up. Don’t be so hard on yourself or others. You are a gift to someone. Find that special person and enjoy this holiday together.

Now, I have a request for you. What topics would you like to hear as we move into the new year? I’m always looking for new ways to engage with my audience and the priority is to ensure that I’m hitting the topics that are important to you.

Would you drop me a note about what you want to hear in 2025? Or specific challenges you face? I would love to hear from you, and you can send your thoughts to me at www.beckykolb.com/contact And, your information is always safe with me. I never share anything with others.

TOPIC: Podcast