If someone had told me I would be asking how to grieve someone who is alive, I would have thought them to be crazy. Yet, that’s exactly the question I had when estranged from my kids.
Grieving was for the dead, wasn’t it? Grief is one of the deepest stages of emotional pain in any estrangement.
In reality, although they are alive, you have lost someone you love dearly. Further, it may even include others such as your grandkids.
The hardest part is that when someone dies, others grieve with you and bring comfort. In estrangement, many people do not even know you are grieving, much less come alongside and comfort you.
Let’s sit together briefly and I’ll share some important aspects of grieving a loved one who is alive. My hope is it will bring comfort to you that you are not alone in your emotionally raw season.
Grief
Grief is defined as the profound emotional, physical, and cognitive anguish that occurs in response to significant loss. You notice it didn’t mention death in the definition. That’s because grief isn’t limited to a physical death of a loved one.
Significant is the intentional loss of a relationship with a son, daughter, or close family member. Your loved one has chosen to walk away and possibly take with them other family members. In-laws and grandchildren are frequently included.
I feel your pain deep in my soul. Estrangement from my own kids and other family for a time resulted in emotionally raw grief. One minute you are welcome in one another’s homes and then you aren’t.
Does that sound familiar to your situation? Grief is painful and lingers long after you will it to go away. I’ll share some things I learned on how to grieve someone who is alive.
How to Grieve Someone Who is Alive
Your intellect tells you this should not be happening. Having a good old-fashioned sit-down conversation would take care of the misunderstanding. Apologizing and taking ownership for what occurred should be how two mature people oversee a disagreement. However, your loved one refuses.
And you are left wondering how this happened and how to fix it. But realize you can’t. And the cycle of grief begins.
As you rack your brain trying to figure out what you did or said that would create such a drastic decision, anger begins to manifest. Or, like me you know what caused it and you can do nothing to reverse the situation. Do you know the five stages of grief? They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial
Denial lingers. They will come around, you think. This is just a phase. They will miss the family and realize their loss. Surely, they will find it in their heart to forgive me. After all, look what all I forgave over the years. Yet, it goes on without any communication or movement in the relationship. And then anger steps in.
Anger – How Could They Do This?
Feel anger, but do not let it consume you. Left unchecked, anger can take hold and become a root of bitterness that affects other relationships. Of course, it’s natural to feel anger. Especially, when they refuse to be honest with you about the cause of their action. The wrong kind of anger can lead to destructive thoughts and actions.
Therefore, confess your anger to God. Be honest with him about your feelings. He understands. He was angry too. Read about that with the money changers in the gospel account of Matthew 21: 12-17
Anger is an emotion. Challenge yourself to question why you feel it so deeply. Helpful to me was sentences such as “I feel angry because (fill in the blank). Because they refuse to talk to me. Because they are influenced by someone else. Because what they’ve told others about me isn’t true. Because of something I did.
Get in touch with your emotions and work through it. If you want to know how to grieve someone who is alive, you’ll need to work through the various stages. You may need the help of a coach or a therapist with this stage.
Many years ago, I wrote a letter to one with whom I was angry. Using no names, I then stuff the letter into a balloon, blew it up and let it go. It was a symbolic and effective gesture of getting it all out of my system, forgiving and letting it go.
It took years for me to get to that point. I only wished I had arrived sooner. It was a breakthrough healing moment.
Bargaining
This phase was hard for me. It’s where I continued to reach out repeatedly with the same results. And it’s where I lingered the longest. Behavior indicated the relationship wasn’t right, but we would all just pretend it was.
When I asked why certain behaviors existed, they denied anything. “Everything is okay” they said. But it wasn’t and we both knew it. I thought if I just kept reaching out even with no response that circumstances would change. Until one day a visit proved to be a painful indicator of just how estranged we had become – even though no one would admit it.
You may even try to make a deal with your estranged loved one. For example, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that.” Another example, bargain with your loved one to see the grandkids and you’ll agree to something they want. Still, they refuse. And that cycle of anger resurfaces.
Don’t lose yourself at the bargaining table. By that I mean, don’t agree to something you don’t want or that goes against your value system in hopes that they will change.
Commit to prayer for the protection of your own heart and that of your loved one. You’re learning how to grieve one who is alive and that’s not an easy task. This period of grief may last the longest. Stay close to the Lord.
Depression
Death brings grief that can last a long time. They say it takes as long as it takes. The loss is deep as you grieve the death and loss of relationship with a spouse, brother, sister, child, or close friend. You have shared history and past experiences that will no longer continue.
Memories bring comfort and sadness at the same time. Mourning the loss may take years and the hole in your heart feels as though it will never close.
But how to grieve someone who is alive? That’s a different kind of depression. They are alive and they have chosen this loss. Do they know how deeply you hurt? Do they care? Apparently not and that can propel you into depression.
Depression is a serious part of grieving, and you would be wise to seek a licensed therapist or trusted pastor if it lingers. Fortunately, I did not feel depression was a long-term phase in my estrangement.
What helped me most was searching scripture for who Jesus says I am. Because I felt like a total failure, unloved, unappreciated and with little value as a mother. And what others said about me reinforced that view. If you are struggling with this, listen to my podcast “What God Thinks Toward You” at www.beckykolb.com/69
Prayer and scripture carried me through and I moved into acceptance.
Acceptance is the Final Stage
Acceptance
Once the reality becomes acceptance, you are well on your way to healing and wholeness. Accepting doesn’t mean you agree with the situation. You’ve just accepted that it is what it is. It’s at this point that you can begin the forgiveness process. I would encourage you to listen to another podcast on forgiveness if you are at this point in grief. You can find it at www.beckykolb.com/44
As you move through forgiveness of yourself and your loved one, your heart begins to feel whole again. You’ve learned how to grieve someone who is alive and accept that the relationship may or may not reconcile. You’re choosing God’s way which is to forgive as you’ve been forgiven.
Leave the outcome to God and continue to pray for them and for your own healing to continue. Now you should begin to notice less emotional pain and more peace and joy in your life.
Allow the Good Memories to Permeate
No doubt you have great memories of your estranged loved one. Hold on to those and let those joyful moments permeate your heart. Watch for triggers that try to take you back to one of the grief stages and don’t get sucked in.
Manage those triggers with the truth of scripture, prayer and redirect your thoughts. When a negative thought enters your mind, redirect to a scripture or a positive memory and stop the unwanted one cold.
The question of how to grieve someone who is alive is a sad one, but you can get through the grief. This is not a situation you’ll want to walk through alone. I can help with coaching you through this from a biblical perspective as well as my own training and life experiences.
Until next time, if you’re feeling stuck and need some help managing grief with a loved one who is alive, reach out to me at www.beckykolb.com/contact and if you’re struggling with deep depression, please reach out to a licensed therapist or call 911 if necessary. Managed correctly, you’ll survive and even thrive as you grieve and heal into wholeness once again.