The heaviness of why in an estranged relationship with a loved one is unbearable at times. As I continue with the theme of changing your thoughts and changing your life, let’s explore how to lessen the weight of why.

Why is the cry of the heart of a mother who is estranged from a son or daughter that often results in loss of a relationship with grandkids. I know a woman who has been estranged from her daughter and grandkids for years.

She is a Christian, but that doesn’t exempt her from the pain she carries in her heart. The heaviness of why lingers day after day. But she has learned to let go of why and turn her heart in another direction. Settle in with me today and I’ll share the story.

Why?

Estrangement teaches your heart to search for the why behind why a child or loved one chooses to walk away.

The heaviness of why wounds your soul. And answers never seem to come. I carried that heaviness for many years although I knew I had caused some of the issues that resulted in the estrangement. However, that didn’t stop me from crying out why God.

Knowing why was the answer I needed to understand how family could walk away and have no contact for years. Just like the woman who hasn’t seen her grandkids for many years. What I’ll share with you today is why isn’t the question you need to ask.

You can start by downloading a free booklet on shifting the mindset from why to what at www.beckykolb.com/guide

What is God Teaching Me?

The first question to lighten the heaviness of why is:

God, what are you trying to teach me in this season of estrangement?

When your question is why and no answers come, you’re attempting to do something you can’t and that’s exercise control. The only control you have is over your heart and when you invite God into the estrangement, He will help you make sense of it all.

Genesis 50:20 is a great scripture. It’s about Joseph who had been sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. He was bought and taken to Egypt where he gained favor with the Pharaoh and rose to a powerful position. When famine overtook the land, his brothers, not knowing where he was or if he was even alive, traveled to Egypt.

The quest for food led them straight to Jospeh but they didn’t recognize him. So much had changed during that exile. Read the account in Genesis 50. It’s fascinating. Once Joseph revealed himself to the brothers they were terrified of what he might do to them for punishment.

Joseph’s response was “You intended this for evil, but God intended it for good.” What would your heart look and feel like if you could say that about your estranged son or daughter? Let me tell you, it will change your life!

Lessons from Joseph’s Estrangement

Joseph’s brothers wanted to get rid of him because they were jealous. He had taunted them with what God had revealed. That he would rule over them. There’s a lesson to be learned there on pride. Joseph needed some serious humility, and he was about to get it.

Imagine going from what you thought would be a ruler to being thrown in a cistern and left to die. And then along comes some men looking for slaves when Joseph is sold and taken from his homeland to Egypt. Guilt and shame had to permeate the heart of the brothers who assumed he died. They lied to their father about the entire episode.

Joseph finds favor in Egypt and God uses him in a leadership role. Until the Pharoh’s wife falsely accuses him of attempted rape when he had been faithful to God and resisted her seduction. For that, he was sent to prison and left for 2 years.

Can you feel the pain in his heart? The pain of rejection? The heaviness of why. The emotional angst of being removed from a relationship with his father and brothers.

Are you still asking God why your estrangement happened? If He reveals an action for which you need to seek forgiveness, then by all means do that. Yet, they still may not choose to accept it, forgive you or restore the relationship. Why lingers.

Is it time to change the question to what are you trying to teach me God?

Lessons God May Want to Teach You

As you change your question from why to what, God will show you exactly what He wants to teach you. For me, he revealed a prideful heart, and he used estrangement to massage humility into the hardened one.

He wanted fruits of the spirit and not of the flesh. You see, estrangement can produce rotten fruit. Anger, resentment, bitterness, pride, judgementalism and much more.

Fruits of the Spirit are there in the heart of a woman who has given her life to Jesus. But they need to ripen and the question of what will cause that fruit to grow and mature.

Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, self-control are a few that you can find in Galatians 5. Ask God what He is trying to teach you among those nine fruits he mentions in that verse.

And then ask Him to help you grow to produce a mature and ripe fruit that brings honor to Him. Because the heaviness of why will begin to be a distant memory. In fact, it really won’t matter much anymore.

The question of what will consume your thoughts as you grow in the Lord and allow His spirit to change your heart. Ponder how Joseph could say to his brothers that they intended it for evil, but God intended it for good. The good that came of Joseph was a heart yielded to God. One that trusted Him regardless of outcomes.

The Heaviness of Why Disappears

As you read Galatians 5 and ponder the nine fruits of the spirit, God will show you the ones where He wants to work in your heart. To soften and create tenderness. Think of a peach – one of my favorite fruits. At the beginning of the season, it’s hard and has little to no taste.

But let the nourishment of sun and rain have its growing time, and the aroma is heavenly. So is the juicy taste. I can feel it running down my chin now. That’s how God grows fruit in us. It’s not automatic. It takes the nourishing word of God, prayer, and a surrendered heart.

And when you do that, the heaviness of why will disappear. Oh, you may wonder now and then, but it won’t consume you. It just won’t be as important.

Should Reconciliation Occur

Of course, we all want estrangement to end with our loved one. Restoration is #1 on our prayer list. But God is more concerned with your heart and mine than the why of an estranged relationship. You need growth and so do they, but you can only control you.

Should reconciliation occur in the future, the relationship will be sweeter with a heart that has grown in Christlike fruitfulness.

Change your thoughts and change your life. Do you want the heaviness of why to disappear? Begin with asking God what He wants to teach you in this season. Read Galatians 5 and ask Him to reveal which one of the fruits He’s most concerned with growing in you now.

And don’t forget to download my free booklet Shift your Mindset from What to Why and Discover 4 Steps to Lasting Peace. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/guide.

I would love to hear from you. As you work through this, reach out to me with an email and let me know what God is doing in your heart. Email me at becky@nullbeckykolb.com. I’ll be waiting to hear and praying for you.

TOPIC: Podcast