Estrangement and Mother’s Day are two attributes that are at odds with one another. And when you are estranged from a son or daughter, it’s a trigger that can send you spiraling into a dark place.

As I’ve talked with some mom’s they’ve expressed that they just want the day to end so they can get on with life. Women work themselves into a tizzy (that’s an expression I heard often growing up) creating anxiety and stress.

Although reconnected with my kids now, I remember several Mother’s Day blues where sadness overwhelmed me. Estranged not only from my kids, but also my mother. My value as a person was at question in my mind. Consequently, it’s a day that I too wanted to pass quickly.

Today I’ll share how you can turn this day into a celebration rather than mourning.

Estrangement and Mindset

Mindset is the main trigger to negative emotions in estrangement. Now, I get it. You are hurting and missing your kids. Grandkids may even be withheld and that further compounds the pain.

Throw in a day set aside to honor mothers as you traverse the grocery store aisles full of flowers, candy, sweet cards, and gifts just for mom. Knowing that you will not be a recipient of any of it in painful.

One particular Mother’s Day for me was bitter. Estranged not only from my kids but also my mother was an aloneness I will never forget. In all fairness, I can’t place the blame solely on them. I created a situation that resulted in estrangement. None the less, it culminated into a day of tears and sadness.

Therefore, shall we throw a pity party? It’s a party of one and you’ll walk the lonely path of feeling sorry for yourself. You can walk the halls of shame and guilt and cry rivers of tears over what’s been lost.  Is that really what you want? I have a better way.

Flip the Script

Looking back at that lonely day, I carried shame and blame on my shoulders. Our Church service honored mom’s offering a rose to each woman who entered. Women sat next to their kids and grandkids and the sermon was all about the Proverbs 31 woman. If you haven’t read that chapter, it’s about the perfect wife and mother and I was neither.

Here’s what helped me pull myself out of the miry pit of despair.

Before Mother’s Day arrives, begin to work on a new script. Plan your party invitation even if it’s just for one. Forget the traditional celebration. Your kid is estranged and you will not be celebrating with them. But that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate. You are a mom, aren’t’ you? A grandmother?

Let’s start with who you are. As a Bible believing Christian, here’s what scripture says.

Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s some pretty amazing affirmations. And worth celebrating.

I encourage you to grab your Bible and pen and begin searching scriptures for what God says about you. Write it down because that’s what you’ll be celebrating. Who says Mother’s Day has to revolve around you and your kids. You are the daughter of the King. Celebrate that. Estrangement and Mother’s Day can be a joyous time.

Estrangement and Mother’s Day

Media and advertising build up the day in such a way that can certainly create sadness and triggers to keep you locked in tears all day. Furthermore, the photos they use of kids lavishing mom with hugs and gifts reinforce the estrangement.

As you flip the script, remember that you are celebrating your position in Christ. You are His daughter. He has blessed you with good memories of your kids. Focus on those and not the estrangement. Laugh at funny memories. Let God use that a salve to help your hurting heart.

Depending on where things are in your estranged relationship, it’s okay to send a quick text to your child. Tell them that although you don’t speak now, you are grateful to be their mom and are remembering them with fondness. Then let it go. If you choose to do this, do not expect a response. Let go of the outcome.

Estrangement and Mother’s Day don’t have to wreck your life. But it requires some planning and mindset work. What can you do now to prepare for Sunday?

The Gift That Heals

This year I will be spending Mother’s Day with my mom who is almost 90 years old. Our relationship healed years ago and is stronger than it ever was before. What changed? The gift that heals. Forgiveness. Mother’s Day and estrangement can be a positive day for you.

What if the gift you give yourself is forgiveness toward your son, daughter or estranged loved one for the hurt, they caused you? Yes, even the grandkids they withheld from you. You may be thinking well they don’t deserve it. No, they don’t. But God didn’t offer his forgiveness to you based on whether or not you deserved it.

Forgiveness is the antidote for hurting and grieving hearts. Few will swallow the pill. My podcast on forgiveness may be what you need to hear today. Find it at beckykolb.com/41.

When you view the estrangement as the time period in which God can work in your heart bringing you closer to Him, your entire attitude will change. Ask God “ what do you want to teach me in this situation?” What sin is hindering our relationship? How can I be closer to you in this hurtful time?

We all struggle with forgiveness. But if you want this Mother’s Day and estrangement to be different, will you consider listening and asking God to help you?

Contentment

I heard an incredible sermon by Dr. Philip DeCourcy on the subject of contentment. How does that interact with Mother’s Day and estrangement? Can you really be content if you’re estranged from a child?

He answers that affirmatively. You can listen to that sermon in its entirety at https://www.stonebriar.org/message/ready-for-anything/

And I promise, it’s worth your time.

Too often, we say “I’ll be happy when (and then fill in the blank).”

Dr. DeCourcy says that from Philippians 4 we can be happy now. Before any of those things occur. Why?

Because of Christ in you and me. We’re not trained to think like that in today’s society.

I can be happy now because of Christ in me. Not because of a separate set of circumstances. You and I don’t need relationships healed or freedom from health or financial issues to be happy. We can be happy and content now because of Christ. I encourage you to listen to that sermon. It made my heart happy!

And then resolve to make this Mother’s Day a celebration. Choose to be happy now because He is in you.

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is coming – ready or not. Will you prepare now so that you can have a happy Mother’s Day amid estrangement?

Will you choose to focus on who you are in Christ?

Consider focusing on happy moments as a mom or grandmother.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and set your heart free.

Ask God to help you be content with where the relationship is now.

Finally, ask Him what He wants to show you in this time of separateness.

And consider buying yourself a gift. A beautiful bouquet of flowers. A book you’ve been wanting to read. Whatever comes to mind. Celebrate motherhood because even if you are estranged, you’re a mom worth celebrating.

Until next time choose to have a joyful day amid Mother’s Day and your estranged relationship. Consider offering the gift of forgiveness. Find happiness in who God says you are.  May you find peace and choose contentment.

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