The secret to peace is elusive to many women. Everyone wants it and often knows how to get it but are unwilling.
Those that embrace this secret discover a deep and lasting peace even amid estrangement before relationships reconcile. In fact, knowing the relationship may never reconcile doesn’t disturb their peace.
This peace is available to all who are open – even if you rejected it previously. It’s always there waiting for you. And the fruit of this secret is what will set your heart free from the emotional pain of an estranged relationship.
Sit with me today for a few minutes and I’ll tell you the secret.
Why the Secret
You may be wondering why there is a secret to peace. Why isn’t it just stated with clarity? That’s a great question. One definition of secret is that it’s the key or method necessary to solve a problem and that’s the context we’ll be using today.
Obtaining peace isn’t really a secret but there is a key principle that is required. You’ve heard me talk about it previously. Furthermore, you may have attempted it. Either you succeeded and discovered this secret to peace or, like me, you failed several times before finally coming to terms. Do you know what it is?
Forgiveness is the Secret to Peace
Bitterness is the poison that robs you of peace. Estrangement frequently leads to bitterness as you recall the hurtful words written or spoken. Women eat this pill of bitterness every day slowly poisoning themselves because they can’t or refuse to forgive someone.
Now, I’m not throwing stones. I’ve struggled with forgiveness many times, even forgiving and then taking it back because my pride wouldn’t allow me to just let it go. Does that sound familiar?
Further, if it were easy everyone would forgive. But it isn’t. In fact, it’s not a one and done. It’s a process and that’s another secret to peace. Bitterness causes you to feel it is justified. Revenge feels powerful but it pulls you into a deep hole that can only be rescued with the secret of peace.
Forgiveness is an intentional choice. A decision that will eventually enable you to think about the person without the emotional pain of what they said or did. Unlike other decisions, this one frequently requires you to make the decision repeatedly until your heart heals.
Why Forgiveness is so Hard
Forgiving someone who hurts you seems counterintuitive. We’re born with an innate desire to protect and defend ourselves. Stop for a minute and think of someone you know that has recently been upset about something someone did.
A co-worker, your spouse, a child, or a friend. How did they express themselves? As women, we tend to gossip more. Likely, the other person ranted about another person who did or said something that upset them. When we are hurt, we lash out. It’s natural.
What’s not natural is extending grace and forgiveness. That’s why estrangement happens. People are unwilling to forgive and give a loved one the benefit of doubt.
Even when hurtful words are spoken, people find it easier to institute “no contact” rather than face the situation and talk it through.
The Secret to Peace Requires Forgiveness
Consider marriage. People hurt one another. They say or do hurtful things. Arguments ensue. It’s just part and parcel with two people living together. Maturity in a relationship will allow the two to speak truthfully as they work it out together. Apologies are given and accepted.
In less mature marriages, one may be the one that usually initiates resolution and seeks forgiveness first. Or in some relationships, the hurtful situation may be ignored and never spoken of again. Those that grew up in that kind of household are likely to repeat their behavior in their own marriage.
Like marriage, all relationships require work. It’s a give and take on both sides. A one-sided relationship typically will not survive and if it does, it will not be a strong and healthy one.
My marriage is strong because we have both worked hard to communicate truthfully – even when it hurts. My husband will be the first to kick me in the tail when I’ve done something wrong and honestly, I respect him for it. He will also listen to me when I share something hurtful, he has said. We are quick to forgive and offer grace.
That wasn’t the case in my first marriage. Forgiveness was lacking. Moreover, respect was absent on both sides. We resolved that in this marriage; we were going to honor God and each other. That has required seeking forgiveness repeatedly.
Your relationship with an estranged loved one is no different. Respect, Love and a willingness to forgive is the secret to peace.
It Takes Two to Tango
What if you offer forgiveness to them but they won’t accept it? You offer it anyway. That’s your role. Whether they accept is up to them. Your peace will come when you stop swallowing the bitterness pill.
What if you’ve done nothing wrong or don’t even know why the estrangement occurred. My answer to that is whether you actually did or said something is immaterial. They perceived that you did. Seeking to clarify and understand is the best solution.
In my case, one who initiated no contact refused to say why. I could guess but that’s a silly game. Something I feel I might have said might not be what upset them at all. A refusal to speak drives a wedge into the relationship until they are willing to fess up. Pride sets in and that’s hard to break through.
Your only solution at that time is to forgive them for the estrangement and anything else that went along with that decision. Were your grandkids withheld from you? A birthday that was missed. A text or phone call unanswered? Gossip that came back to you from one of their friends or other family members.
Believe me when I say I know that it hurts. Being falsely accused or maligned will create anger that eventually will turn into resentment and bitterness if not forgiven. Do you want peace? Spit out the poison pill and drink in forgiveness. It’s the secret to peace for you.
What Forgiveness Means
It is important to consider that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. And it isn’t letting someone off the hook for what they did or said. That’s the reason many people refuse to forgive. They simply feel the other person does not deserve it.
You may not ever forget it, but I promise if you extend sincere forgiveness, the peace that will come will eventually take the anger and resentment from you. Your heart will hurt much less over time. Don’t expect instant results and don’t give up on the process.
And if you aren’t able to speak with them directly to ask forgiveness, do it in your heart with God. Tell Him and ask Him to take the bitterness from you. Just remember it’s a process and you may have to do this several times over a period of time. It’s worth it to gain peace of mind.
Are you walking in unforgiveness toward someone today?
Have you found it difficult to let go?
Do you keep replaying the hurtful words or actions in your mind?
Do you want to find the secret to peace?
Free Guide Just for You
If you are ready, I’ve created a free guide just for you. This guide will help your estranged heart discover the secret to peace through an interactive practice. You can work through it at your own pace. With thought provoking stories and biblical examples, you’ll find it easy to surrender your bitter pill and move toward healing.
Download the free guide at www.beckykolb.com/guide. I know you will find that it’s worth the effort and that you’ll be able to discover what we all desire – the secret to peace.
Until next time here’s to peace and happiness for your estranged heart.