Healing brokenness in an estranged relationship is a lengthy process. Today I’ll talk about three steps that center around these attributes. Reconcile. Restore. Rebuild.

You already know that reconciliation requires two parties and not everyone arrives at this decision simultaneously. Consequently, many women give up far too early.

While one may not be ready right now, it doesn’t mean you can’t continue to pray and begin to work on your part. Brokenness brings many emotions to the forefront and working toward reconciliation takes time, commitment, and effort. Even if you are the only one working on it at the time.

Whether you are in the midst of this process or just thinking about it, listen in today for concrete steps to heal your brokenness.

Healing Brokenness When Estranged is a Three-Part Process

Reconciliation may be your heart’s desire. You think about it day and night. Longing for healing and restoration with your estranged loved one. You pray continually. It’s been months or years and the needle hasn’t moved. At least as far as you can tell.

First of all, never underestimate the power of God. If you’ve been praying for your loved one, keep it up. Because you don’t know what God is doing in their life. All you see and feel is isolation and rejection. God is a master at reconciling relationships.

He provided the path to reconciliation for all mankind to him, and he can heal and restore your relationship with your loved one too.

Moreover, scripture says that Jesus prays for us. He is an intercessor when we don’t know how to pray. You can be sure that he feels your pain and cares deeply for you and the one with whom you are estranged.

Keep praying and asking God to intervene. To soften hearts of all involved. To bring a desire to all for reconciliation, forgiveness, and restoration. And ask him to prepare all hearts to reconcile, restore and rebuild. Then trust him.

Reconciling is a First Step to Healing Brokenness

This step requires both parties to own their part in the conflict. One woman told me that she had no idea what she had done wrong. The child wouldn’t tell her and just walked away. She heard things from other people that shed light on it but exclaimed that it just wasn’t true. These were false allegations in her mind.

While those accusations may have been untrue, in the mind of the child it was true. Perception is reality and so the mother had to consider that somehow the message conveyed to the child must be real but certainly wasn’t intended.

Once she accepted that her child had interpreted it as fact, she was able to focus on correcting the perception. She was able to ask forgiveness and that opened the door toward healing the brokenness.

Don’t Allow Pride to Deter You

Pride is often a deterrent in reconciling relationships. One person simply will not admit any wrongdoing – perceived or otherwise and is adamant that the other apologize first. The blame game continues indefinitely. That’s a recipe for long lasting estrangement.

Believe me, this is hard. You won’t embrace the humility to say you might have been wrong. Moreover, if you were falsely accused and maligned, that’s hard to let go of. Set your pride aside for the ultimate goal of a healed relationship.

Consider your part in the estrangement. Even if you don’t know what the issues are.

As you prepare for healing brokenness, this is a step in the process that you can’t skip. Each party must own their part, and it starts with you. Be prepared for some emotion. It’s okay and part of working through this.

What To Do Now That You Desire Reconciliation

As you’ve worked through this process and considered areas for which you need to take ownership, consider the next steps. Do you need to reach out again in a different manner?

Moreover, do you need to reconsider your attitude and posture? Sincere desire for reconciliation begins with an earnest and humble heart. Too often as mothers, we maintain a position of authority and if you have an adult child, that tactic will no longer work.

Now, I know it will be easy to say that you’ve reached out before and nothing has happened. They were silent and didn’t even acknowledge your effort. That may be true, but what was the attitude of the heart? What exact words and tone did you use? Was there any ownership by you of your part of the estrangement?

Once you are satisfied that you’ve worked through your anger and resentment, write a short paragraph that you aren’t going to send. This is practice. Consider something like this.

“I’ve been thinking often about you, and I regret the estrangement between us. I’ve thought a lot about what happened and realized that I needed to own my part in our conflict. I love you and hope that we can reconcile our relationship soon. The door is always open for a conversation.”

Write from your heart but with humility and softness that will be felt as your estranged loved one reads. This is not a guarantee but it’s a first step. Pray and then send it. It’s important to avoid expectations here. You’ll want to check your phone every day to see if there is a response. And when there isn’t, the negative thoughts come back. You want to maintain an open heart and trust God with the timing.

Reconciliation From Estrangement – Oh Happy Day!

Let’s assume that day has come that you’ve longed for as both have indicated a desire to reconcile. Don’t allow this to go sideways. By that I mean, prepare your heart for a conversation. Lay aside any attempt to lay blame or rehash the past.

Establishing an agenda is good practice. Items to consider in establishing the agenda:

It doesn’t hurt to say it again. Listen and validate their feelings – whether you feel they are right or wrong. And ask them to give you the same respect. Listening to hear is critical in this process.

At the conclusion of the meeting, review your desired outcomes. Did you both accomplish what you set forth? Is it worth setting another time to follow up and take it a step further?

When Things Do Not Got as Planned

Fair warning. Things can get emotional. This is not easy. Have a plan if things get heated. It may be as simple as stating “We need to take a short break. Our desired outcome to rebuild a healthy relationship is at stake. Can we take 5 minutes to calm down and refocus as this is really important?”

Furthermore, if the conversation gets out of hand and just doesn’t improve, don’t allow it to be something that extends the estrangement if you can help it. Consider ending the conversation and reiterating your love and desire to reconcile. Set another time when cooler heads prevail.

If your loved one is angry and unwilling to set a time, stay calm and remind them that the door is always open and that you love them.

Restore The Relationship

Once you’ve reconciled, you choose how to restore this relationship. Will you work on rebuilding? Or have the two of you chosen another path? One or both may not be ready to jump back into a relationship but rather ease into it over time.

This happened with a woman and her daughter where they decided they had forgiven one another and reconciled. But neither knew for sure how to restore the relationship or if that’s truly what they wanted. They knew they wanted some contact but had not committed to a full-blown relationship. You and your loved one will need to figure this out.

Restoring a relationship will require both to commit to the process. If the estrangement has been extended, it will require getting to know one another again. Some have grandchildren they’ve never met. Think of it as a new friend that you love and really want to get to know. Approach it from that angle and it will be much easier.

When my adopted daughter and I reconciled and restored our relationship, a prolonged period of time had elapsed. It was so enjoyable getting to know her as an adult. Embrace the restoration process and savor every moment.

Rebuilding and Healing a Broken Relationship

Let’s assume that the conversation has gone well and both of you want to rebuild a healthy relationship. That’s the best news of all. You’ve owned your mistakes, forgiven and reconciled. Now the arduous process of rebuilding begins.

Let me illustrate something. You can physically do this exercise later and I strongly urge you to do so. It’s powerful. For now, imagine two sheets of paper lying side by side. One represents you and the other is the estranged loved one. Now, glue those two pieces of paper together. That represents the relationship between you two.

After the glue has dried in 10 to 15 minutes, try separating the two pieces of paper. You’ll discover that you can’t separate them without ripping them apart. That’s what happens in estrangement. The relationship has changed. It’s no longer what it used to be. And that’s actually good.

Moreover, the relationship is new. You are rebuilding. The old relationship may have memories and shared history, but you are building something new. It’s important to remember that you don’t want that old relationship that deteriorated.

Establish boundaries that are good and healthy for each of you as you rebuild. Just as you build a house, you need a blueprint, a foundation, solid framing and good craftmanship. Approach rebuilding this relationship with the same perspective.

Where are you in the process of healing your brokenness?

Is there something you can do today to move it to the next level?

It’s easy to stay in an estranged relationship. While it is painful, you do not have to confront your part unless you choose. You may stay angry, bitter, and resentful. But is that what you really want? Do you long for peace and restoration?

It takes two and you can’t do this without the other party. But you can begin preparation on your own heart. Will you go back through these steps again? Listen once more with pen and paper and be open to what God puts on your heart. It’s worth the effort I promise.

That’s it for today. Until next time – consider healing the brokenness. Reconcile. Restore. Rebuild.

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