Have you ever considered the impacts of estrangement in your life? Sure, you feel disappointed, resentful, angry even. You miss the person with whom you are estranged.

Feeling deeply wounded, you struggle to find your footing some days. Seeking to follow God, you try to forgive only to be reminded of the wrongs and once again you deal with those negative emotions.

Today, I want to go a little deeper to share the impacts of estrangement and offer some tips to help you address those hurtful areas. You can find peace but sometimes it involves revisiting places you would rather avoid. Stay tuned and let’s walk through this together – one sister to another.

The Impacts of Estrangement are Far Reaching

While you may be tempted to think you are the one impacted by someone’s estrangement, the truth is that it affects everyone around you. Now, you may not see the impact on them and it’s possible you see them on social media and have the illusion that everything is just hunky dory with them.

But that’s all it is – an illusion. Because estranged relationships aren’t God’s design for us. And when we are at odds with someone, we care about them it hurts both. And then it extends out into other family relationships and friendships too.

Estrangement blinds us to all of that, and we focus on our wounds and our perception of what happened. We nurture those grudges and replay the hurtful words over in our minds. Truthfully, we can produce a lengthy list of what they did to wrong us. Right?

Let’s take a child for example. You’ve been through a divorce, and your kids are currently estranged. Blame is laid at the other parent or family members that created distance or gossiped about you.

Siblings no longer talk. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to that say they haven’t spoken to a sibling in years. Often it involves their perception of the way they were treated as kids or family trusts when someone passes.

Relationships are heavily impacted by estrangement. Let’s look at some of those.

Disruption of Family Gatherings

Estrangement creates distance. It doesn’t matter who decided to end the relationship, the impact is on both. Holidays and birthdays come and go and one of you isn’t invited any longer. You feel the deep emotional pain from being excluded.

Longing for the way things used to be, you turn your emotions inward and begin to berate yourself, feel guilt and shame. You’re now forced to find another way to celebrate or refocus on those days and it seems unnatural.

I feel your pain. I live a mile from a family member who doesn’t speak to me. I know what it feels like and the impact it has on all the lives around you.

How do you explain to people that you aren’t invited to family events any longer? That you aren’t welcome in their home. It’s hard. If only responsible parties would sit down and have a conversation it might be worked out.

Often, that is just not possible because one of the two isn’t willing or capable emotionally. And so, estrangement lingers.

Impact on Other Relationships

When you are weighed down with the negative emotions of estrangement, it can affect other relationships such as friends and co-workers.

Obsessing over what happened and replaying the drama in your mind is not fruitful. It keeps you locked in a mental prison. Negative emotions in and negative words out. You’ve heard it said, “you are what you think.”

Minds full of negative energy, guilt, shame, and self-pity cannot produce the fruit of a loving positive relationship with others.

Now, I understand your mindset in an estranged relationship. It hurts. Words such as unfairness and injustice come to mind. I know you feel it. So, did I. But you must get past that. My husband gave some sage advice once regarding someone that no longer wanted us in her life.

He said mentally put that person on a shelf. And keep walking. If they want back in your life, they will catch up by reaching out and trying to make things work. When you’ve done everything that you can do and the estranged person isn’t responding, mentally set them on that shelf and keep walking through your life.

Is it easy? No, it feels like a piece of your heart is ripped out and left behind. It’s the beginning of healing for you.

Moving Forward

Once you’ve put that person on the proverbial shelf, you can begin to heal. And that begins with a different mindset. No longer will you focus on the drama, the pain, and the separation. All that has been left behind on the shelf. It may take some time for those emotions to fall away, but they will.

An early podcast deals with letting go of an estranged relationship and I encourage you to listen to that for more detail on how to move forward once you let go. You can listen to it here – www.beckykolb.com/2

The important thing here is to focus on your future. What is around you right now that is positive and encouraging? Think of friends and family who love and support you. Here are a few things to get you started.

Spiritual Impacts of Estrangement

This one was especially hard for me. Our real enemy isn’t an estranged person or people. It’s Satan. As a follower of Jesus, you want a stronger relationship with him. And your real enemy doesn’t want that for you.

Recognizing the true enemy is affirming and powerful. You shift your negative emotions away from the estrangement and learn how to fight with the power Jesus has given to you.

It’s especially hard because he tells us to forgive as we’ve been forgiven and love as we’ve been loved. Well, that just puts a wrinkle in life for me. Someone has rejected you, speaks false accusations against you and you are supposed to love and forgive them?

Yep, that’s what he says. Well, that’s impossible. Yes, if left to do it on our own it is impossible. But all things are possible with him. So how do you do that?

Shift your mindset from what they’ve done to you to what you’ve done in all your life. Think of all the things that you’ve been forgiven for as far back as you can remember. That caused me to wiggle and squirm. As painful as that was, it also gave me great understanding of the sacrifice Jesus made for me when he exchanged all those things for his life as he hung on the cross.

Thinking in that light, it became a little easier for me to be able to forgive those who had wronged me. And if you’ve listened to other podcasts I’ve done, you’ve heard the one on forgiveness being a process. If you haven’t heard it, listen here – www.beckykolb.com/6

Forgiveness is powerful. It isn’t for the other person. It’s a beautiful gift you give to you.

 

Estrangement is Universal – Learn to Manage You

Throughout my life, I’ve had estranged relationships. And most everyone I talk with has at least one estranged relationship. We think it is just us. It’s not.

I spoke with a woman recently who shared an estrangement with me. The person was a family member who had decided she no longer wanted a relationship. The woman felt all the emotions – guilt, shame, self-pity. Until she began to look at relationships this person had throughout her life.

What she discovered was that she had many issues with people in her life. Drama was constant it seemed. She learned that while she may have contributed to the estrangement in some way, it wasn’t just her. It never is.

She determined that she was no longer going to be the punching bag and that gave her the fortitude she needed to be independent, acknowledge her mistakes in the relationship (only to herself because the other person wouldn’t speak to her) and move on.

She put the relationship on the shelf and with a new zip in her step, she moved forward. And you can too.

Are You Ready to Manage Your Life

You are the manager of your own life. Decide what energy you want to give your emotions and energy?

Resolve to stop the negativity and replace those thoughts with new, challenging, and positive replacement.

Spend more time doing what you love.

Devote more time to improving your relationship with God through Bible reading and prayer.

Start to enjoy life again.

That footing has led to healthy relationships with some and strategies to deal with those that need to be healed. Furthermore, it helped me gain insight into my passion and purpose in life. It started with forgiveness.

Want to learn how? Just go to www.beckykolb.com/guide/download

And if you found value in today’s show, don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast on your favorite listening platform. You can help me and others by writing a review that helps my podcast reach more people that want encouragement and help to deal with difficult and estranged relationships.

That’s it for today. Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman! And you can do anything you set your mind to! Here’s to healthy relationships.

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