If you’re struggling with forgiveness, you aren’t alone. The truth is most everyone does. Oh, you may give lip service like I did and say you forgive, but the emotions linger. The pain comes and goes.
You replay the hurt over and over so much the record is warped and scratched. Yet you really want to forgive – or you don’t. But you know that you want to get unstuck and move on.
How? That’s the question that I struggled with and many women tell me they do too. Let’s dive into today’s episode and figure it out together.
Forgiveness
One of the critical lessons I learned is that forgiveness is both a decision and a process. If you’re like me, you thought you were forgiving someone because you made the decision to do so. You told God that you forgave the person who hurt you.
Then, why does it feel like you haven’t forgiven? That struggle is one that most everyone faces. And it’s because you are relying on the first part – the decision. And forgetting the process part.
Let’s digress as you may feel you need to forgive someone, but you just can’t seem to do so.
Struggling with Forgiveness May be Due to Resistance
Resistance is a real barrier to forgiving someone. You know that God says to forgive as you’ve been forgiven but does he know what that someone did to you? Or said to you or about you? You feel that if he understood that then he would realize why it’s just impossible to forgive them.
Struggling to forgive someone is something everyone goes through. Whether you are a Christian or not. It doesn’t choose a specific group. It’s universal. And yet it’s the absolute key to setting your heart free. Isn’t that what we all want? Why is it to elusive?
In a word – resistance. I have my own reasons and some of them are yours too. Here’s a few of mine.
- They don’t deserve it. What they did hurt me to the core.
- If I forgive them, I’m giving the false impression that I desire to reconcile and restart the relationship.
- I’m just not ready.
- It’s too early – I need to nurse this pain a little longer.
- It’s too late – too much water under the bridge.
- Until they apologize, I will not forgive them.
That last one is a big deterrent in the process of forgiveness. You’re relying on another’s actions and therefore giving them control over your life. That was a gob smacker for me. I was struggling with forgiveness because I had unknowingly given control to the other person over my life. That was a game changer.
Taking Control of Your Life Through Forgiveness
Unstuck – that’s what I wanted more than anything. I was tired of wallowing in this mess. Replaying the hurt over and over. Figuring out my response if ever there would be an occasion. Allowing the hurt to create anger and then resentment and finally bitterness.
Triggers would come and go. I made the decision to forgive and thought I had. Until a trigger came and chaos ensued in my mind again. I wanted to be done with it. Permanently.
Through my reading and praying I determined that it was both a decision and a process. The truth is I had been through this before and recognized some of the same emotional setbacks.
Years ago, I prayed diligent for God to change someone’s heart. And do you know what he said to me? Not audibly of course, but I sensed in my spirit that he was saying “Yes, I can change theirs, but first I need to change yours.”
And that nearly knocked me off my chair. What? Wasn’t I the one asking for forgiveness and praying for reconciliation? Wasn’t that a heart that would please God? Well, yes if my heart hadn’t been bitter and full of resentment. I hadn’t even realized it. Amazing what God will tell you when you ask.
My prayer life changed. I began to ask God to work in my heart. To soften it and take away the root of bitterness that had sprung. And to replace it with love and hope to trust Him to do the work both in me and in them.
Eventually, forgiveness came. Reconciliation and restoration were the end result, but it took time.
Struggling with Forgiveness through the Process
The decision to forgive had been made so wasn’t that enough? Shouldn’t I feel different? I thought I should, but I didn’t. To me that meant I hadn’t truly forgiven. What was missing? What else did I need to do?
Missing was the process portion of forgiveness. I knew from past experiences that it wasn’t a one and done, but it was a hard lesson to learn. The truth is that God will continue to put these experiences in front of us because relationships are hard.
I’m here to encourage you if you are struggling with forgiveness. Don’t beat yourself up. Emotions run deep. Have you ever been around someone digging a well? Rarely do they discover water quickly. The operator must continue to lower the tool into the ground. Sometimes a great depth is required to find the water.
Our emotions are like that. That’s part of the forgiveness process. Healing your emotions takes time to dig deep and look at them. Acknowledge and deal with them. That can be painful.
I used alcohol to numb pain for many years. When I quit drinking, I was left to deal with the deep emotions that I tried so hard to stuff. With Bible, pen and journal in hand, I went to work. A coach helped me when I became stuck.
Eventually, I worked through the deep-seated emotional pain and forgave those who had contributed to my wounds.
The Process of Forgiveness Lasts as Long as it Does
How long might the process of forgiveness last? As long as it takes. You may work through your emotional pain quickly depending on the situation and how deep the wounds are. However, it may take a year, or two or more.
The first decision to make is to forgive. Write it in your journal. Tell someone that you have forgiven the person. And certainly, tell God that you desire to be obedient to him and therefore you are making the decision today to forgive them. That’s the easy part.
Consequently, you’ve just set in motion the next step which is beginning the process.
Let me encourage you here that you can heal and move forward with the apology of the person who hurt you. You do not need their permission to forgive them, nor do you need them to acknowledge what they did. You control your emotions and ability to heal.
Your healing is your choice. Forgiveness is the first step in healing.
One author shared her process of forgiving, and it was to write down each of the wrongs that had been inflicted. One by one she wrote them and verbally stated to God in prayer that she was forgiving the person for them as she named them. What a great idea.
Whatever method you choose, acknowledge the wrong. Own your feelings over it in the past. And then begin the process of working through those emotions. It isn’t easy, but boy is it worthwhile.
Your Freedom Awaits
Struggling with forgiveness is a universal issue. You have a challenging time with it and so do I. But you want to get unstuck and move forward. Desperately. You’ve tried and it just doesn’t seem to work.
Start again and this time, make the decision and then begin the process with your journal, bible, and pen. Be consistent. Be honest. God knows what you are thinking so just tell him. It feels good to verbalize it.
And be prepared for the unexpected as he brings things to mind that you’ve not considered. Be open to his leading and to his examining your heart and hidden things he wants you to see and deal with.
He isn’t punishing you or upset with you. Quite the opposite. He’s thrilled you are willing to struggle with forgiveness and he’s there to help.
Are you withholding forgiveness to someone who wronged you?
Do you want to heal and move forward?
Are you willing to put in the work to go through the process?
If you are, then God is ready. He’s waiting for you. Go to the well where your emotions are buried. Sit with him and ask him to help you as you offer forgiveness for the wrongs. Ask him to help you work through emotions so that you can respond in a healthy way.
No one understands your struggle more than God. And no one wants to help you get through this more than him.
Forgiveness is the Gateway to your Freedom
If you are searching for peace and freedom from struggling with forgiveness, then this is the place to start. You can do it but not alone. The Holy Spirit will help you as you open your heart and ask.
And if you feel you need more help to get unstuck, that’s my jam and I would love to help you. Reach out at www.beckykolb.com/contact