Blended families and estrangement often go hand in hand. But are they more prone to estranged relationships? Research says not necessarily. However, they do face more unique challenges and that can morph into estrangement.
Are you part of a blended family that is facing difficulties and even amid estrangement already?
Today we’ll dive into some of the challenges you face, how to successfully navigate them and what to do when it all goes sideways.
Let’s imagine we are sitting together with a cup of tea or coffee and dive in.
Unique Challenges of Blended Families
No doubt you face challenges that stem from divided loyalty, varying parenting styles and cultures. Now, this can happen in traditional families as well, but blended families are more prone. Let’s look at some of the challenges.
Divided Loyalty
Loyalties become out of kilter in some blended families. Kids often feel they are betraying a mother or father if they are accepting the stepparent. While the circumstances of a divorce may have been untenable, kids may have unspoken fears and anxiety that affect their ability to be comfortable with both sets of parents.
Siblings may impact the loyalty as well. One kid may be accepting, and the other isn’t. A stiff-arm approach may keep the pressure on as one feels subject to the other’s wishes. Sometimes siblings want to stick together regardless of their true feelings.
Varying Parenting Styles
Parenting styles in blended families play a huge part in navigating peace. And it’s best if the couples have in depth and direct conversations ahead of a remarriage. Years ago, a dear friend married the love of her life, and they were on the same page with parenting.
But a few years in, she discovered that they were in fact on opposite sides. Their marriage began to deteriorate and eventually they divorced. Such a sad and tragic end to relationships.
Cultural Differences
Cultural differences play a strong role in blended families. You and your new spouse may be aligned, but what about the kids? What culture did they grow up in prior to the remarriage? What is the attitude of the ex-spouses? Is one more lenient than the other?
Parenting another person’s child is difficult without the influence of ex family members that may want to sabotage the new relationship. It takes an inordinate amount of patience, wisdom, and discernment to navigate.
These are just a few of the underlying reasons why blended families face such unique challenges. Let’s consider some strategies to address them.
Relationship Strategies in Blended Families
Assuming you are in a healthy relationship now, let’s talk about some of the strategies to employ in blended family situations.
First, remember that you are an adult. That can be difficult. Believe me, I know from experience. Sometimes situations occur and you just want to wring their neck! The best thing you can do for you is to get your mind in a healthy place.
My strategy for that is to spend time every day in God’s word. I love the You Version Bible App where you can find devotionals on blended families, estranged relationships, discovering peace, finding wisdom and all sorts of things. I can’t tell you how valuable that has been to me.
I find that if I start my day with God, his word and prayer, he is present in all situations throughout my day.
Strategy #1 – Get in God’s Word
Find your niche for spiritual support. It may be in Church, a small group setting, a women’s ministry, or bible study group. If you’re like me, you may be searching for a church home and don’t have that connection right now.
That’s okay. Download the You Version Bible app and search for devotional topics. This app will have scripture to read along with a devotional reading to go along.
Search out a Christian friend or mentor that can help with accountability and sound advice.
Listen to online teachings and sermons. Make sure you’ve done your research and are listening to godly teachers who preach the word of God. There are many out there that don’t, and this is not a time to be led astray. I love Pastor Jack Hibbs. Jan Markell has regular guests on her show that are godly men and women. Find one that works for you.
Lastly, get a journal and write scriptures that speak to you. List what God is teaching you and growth that is taking place in your spiritually. This strategy is paramount in protecting your peace in a blended family situation and otherwise.
Strategy #2 – You are the Adult
Don’t get caught up in the trap of acting like a child. Kids know how to trigger you so identify your triggers and plan for the response you will choose. Anger easily comes out of me. I get mad because I responded negatively to the trigger and because I allowed the person to trigger me.
Expect triggers. They aren’t a terrible thing. We all have them. You just need to know what yours are and then choose a response. Stay firm and you’ll soon see that your entire attitude changes. You’ll gain confidence that you can manage the situation in a mature and peaceful way.
Once the other person sees that they have no control over you anymore, they must change their strategy, and it will be a better one.
Align yourself with other blended families who are doing things right and glean wisdom from them.
Strategy #3 – Be One with Your Spouse
You and your spouse will not always agree, especially when it comes to parenting stepchildren. But, if you’ve spent time discussing the subject and schedule time to sit down and discuss new instances, you’ll be able to unite on a response.
Even if you aren’t in total agreement on something, you can agree on the non-negotiables and present a united front to the kids. And that’s critical to the relationship with you and your spouse.
You may tell me that your spouse isn’t aligned with you and that he undermines your authority. If that’s true, you need to work toward counseling to work out that issue, because it’s not a good place to be. Even if he won’t agree to therapy, you may want to consider it so that you’ll protect your heart and mind as you work through that relationship.
My husband and I talk about everything. When we were first married with a daughter living with us, we had our challenges. But we were firmly aligned and refused to let anything get between us on the parenting side of things.
We had our moments, but we honored one another’s opinions and insights, and we worked through it.
When it all Goes Sideways with Blended Families
Despite your best efforts, sometimes estrangement and blended families just occur. You’ve done everything you can and made little headway. Kids aren’t talking to you, and disagreements are the law of the land. One kid wants to go live with the other parent. You know that isn’t the answer. What do you do?
Obviously, this depends on the age of the child. In some instances, therapy is needed. Look for a therapist that specializes in children. If you can get your ex-spouse to support you, that is helpful.
Explain to the child that therapy isn’t punishment. It’s a third party that will listen and help you work things out so that you can have a good relationship.
If the child is older and refuses therapy, listen to them. Forcing them into therapy usually won’t work. They learn to say whatever the therapists want to hear, and they learn to play the game. It may be extremely hurtful, but it’s best to consider letting them live with another family member for a time.
This is only if that household is a safe environment. I would encourage you to consider therapy as a family. Outside counsel will be beneficial to the entire family as you work it out.
Don’t Give up if you are in an Estranged Family Relationship
Kids grow up. I once heard a great analogy for raising children and it applies whether you’re in blended family or not.
Imagine the kid(s) in a canoe in the water. When they are small, the boat is on steady water with little turbulence. The older they get toward teenage years, the more turbulent the water becomes. That canoe with the child is in danger of going overboard. Your job is to help navigate through the waters until they become calm again.
That’s what it can be like raising kids my friend. If you’re a blended family, you may be experiencing severe turbulence.
Remember your role – to keep the boat upright and the kid safe. And to keep your wits about you too.
Are you experiencing estrangement in blended family relationships? I encourage you to try these strategies. Find a support friend or group. Stay in the word. Seek God in prayer. Be an adult. Apply wisdom and discernment. Be one with your spouse if possible. Consider therapy.
If you need help, reach out at www.beckykolb.com/contact I’m always here to listen and support in a non-judgmental manner
If you are estranged and trying to find answers, download my free guide on how to find peace amid estrangement. Go to www.beckykolb.com/download