Who you are becoming is vital in discovering peace in estranged relationships. And estrangement can lock you in a mental prison so that at times you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Triggers create a response that you later regret and you are mired in guilt. At times it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back.
You wonder if you will ever get over the pain of separating from your child, sibling, or another family member. And all this keeps you from knowing or doing what God has called you to do
I have good news for you, my friend. Estrangement is where God can do his finest work in you. You’ll want to stay tuned today so let’s dive in.
Called to do Something
Have you ever sensed God calling you to do something? You just know that you were meant to do this very thing. Yet it doesn’t seem to get off the ground. Oh, you may see a little movement here and there, but it just isn’t taking off the way you thought it might.
That was me in 2017 when I clearly sensed God calling me to tell my story. He was saying that I could share the hope and peace he gave me through my estranged relationships.
So, in true Becky fashion, I set out to do that, but no clear direction came. I was still selling real estate and a bit distracted. But I really wanted to do what I felt God calling me to do. My plan included talking to my Christian friends, a pastor and praying.
Initially, I began to write out my story, sharing it with others, refining it, and then sharing it with a women’s group. Still, nothing developed. Was I a failure already? Did I hear God correctly? Doubt set in.
A Phone Call that Gave Direction
I neglected to tell you that for years I had turned to alcohol to numb my emotional pain. Now, I didn’t realize that is what I was doing. Living in a socially active community, happy hours were common. You can read more about this in my story located on my website at www.beckykolb.com
God convicted me about who I was becoming in this situation and eventually, I began the process of giving it up for good. A book called The Naked Mind was immensely helpful in understanding the science behind what alcohol does to your body. And the Facebook group with the same name was a place of support for others in the same boat.
It’s where I first met this lady who reached out to me. We started a conversation and spoke a few times. And then I didn’t hear from her for about a year. Until the phone call. Once again, we talked about her struggles, and she ended the conversation saying, “You should be a coach because you are good at it.”
And that led me to seek out a certification as a life coach. I enrolled in a 22-week certification program and felt God would lead me to coaching women with estranged relationships.
Who You Are Becoming is Vitally Important
What I had failed to realize is that God was calling me to tell my story. I heard him correctly that Christmas Eve at Church. But I hadn’t considered who I was becoming was his primary purpose.
You see, when you try to do what you’re called to do before becoming who you’re called to become, failure is guaranteed.
And God wanted to change who I was becoming. Achieving purpose is more about becoming than doing.
That insight changed me and that’s exactly what God wanted.
Israel Becoming Who They Were Created to Be
When Israel was amid famine, they wound up in Egypt. There they became slave brick layers. The work was hard and backbreaking. They had no purpose other than to do what they were told. God eventually led them out enroute to the land he promised them.
God provided for them as they wandered in the wilderness, and yet they complained and longed for some of the good things they had back in Egypt. They forgot the slave conditions and how they longed for a better life.
When God led them to Canaan, they sent spies to check out the conditions and they were afraid of what they saw. They still did not know who and whose they were.
Wilderness Wanderings
Have you ever felt like you were wandering aimlessly? In estrangement you often make attempts to reach out to that estranged relationship. You’re met with silence or another argument. Prayer doesn’t seem to change anything. You desire reconciliation, but it doesn’t come.
Consider that God’s best work is while you are in the wilderness. Who you are becoming is important to him and to your calling.
It took 40 years to “kill” the slave mentality in the Israelites. Hopefully, it doesn’t take 40 years for you and me.
Sometimes when who you are becoming is in process, life seems to have no purpose or fulfillment. You may not see movement or results.
Surrender to his purpose for who you are and who he is calling you to be. That’s when the real work is done and life begins to change.
When you become who you’re called to be in God, then he will establish you in the place of remarkable things.
Becoming Who God Created You to Be
Give some thought to your current situation. Estrangement for me has been long lasting. And I’ve discovered that it’s common in families. People don’t talk about it much, but if asked, I’ll bet you’ll find it affects all families one way or another.
Estranged relationships hurt emotionally. The resulting emotions are self-pity, anger, bitterness, resentment, and blame. And you get stuck in that cycle and never surrender it to God and let him begin to do his transforming work in you.
We suffer emotionally and turn to drugs, alcohol, or other numbing agents to make us feel better. And you know the answer. Those things numb temporarily but they never solve the problem. Mostly it makes it worse.
My challenge today for you is this. If you are wandering, seeking answers, desiring something that isn’t happening, praying with no seeming answers, then consider that you are in the wilderness. And God is there too.
You’ve tried to make amends, enrolled in therapy, prayed and done everything you can. You’re trying to discern what God’s called you to do.
He’s waiting for you patiently for you to surrender and to realize that you do need divine help. And that you seek the love, forgiveness, and mercy that only he can give. And then the process of who you are becoming can begin.
As you hear today, you may have surrendered before and still find yourself in the wilderness. That’s perfectly fine. In fact, most of us will surrender a few times before we finally give it all to him and allow him to do whatever is necessary to transform who we are.
God’s Transforming Who You are Becoming
I discovered that the wilderness I despised was the very place God began his work in me. Estrangement is a wilderness where you feel alone and void of the comforts you feel other families enjoy. It’s where God asks you to trust him.
And trust is hard because others close to you have let you down. But God is different and as you surrender and spend quality time in his word and in prayer, he begins to show you things about himself. And you open your heart just a little to trust him.
And then he answers a simple prayer, and you trust him more. You begin to see his work in your life as you manage a trigger differently. He softens your heart, and you can see things from a unique perspective. You see that he isn’t judging you or punishing you but that he loves you and seeks only your good.
As you grow in your relationship with him, he shows you things in scripture and you know that he’s speaking directly to you and your situation.
Continue developing your relationship and you will see positive changes – not necessarily in others – but in you and your spiritual and personal growth. Peace, joy, love, forgiveness, kindness, and patience develop.
Who Are You Becoming?
You’re becoming who he created you to be so that you can pursue the calling to do what you were created to do.
Who knows what God’s calling you to do? You may be destined to do wonderful things. And it’s possible that you know what God’s calling you to, but you aren’t seeing results or movement. That could be because he’s more concerned with who you are becoming primarily.
Are you ready to surrender to God and develop who you are becoming?
Will you trust him to show you his love, mercy, and forgiveness as he transforms you?
You can read my story of estrangement at www.beckykolb.com/meet-becky and it may offer insight into how God called and transformed my life.
Surrender seems like giving up all control, but it’s really the most freeing and satisfying thing I’ve ever done. Because I learned to trust the one who created me to be and to do.