Communication is the hallmark to good relationships, and it seems like it’s a lost art today, doesn’t it? All you must do is turn on the television or jump on social media for a minute and you can see the vitriol. Families have stopped talking to one another if they don’t agree completely on politics. It’s terribly sad.

As I look back on estrangement in my own life, I see a breakdown of communication along the way. You become so one-sided in your perspective that you can’t see the other side. Even if you disagree with the person, they are entitled to their opinion just as you are.

Women tell me they’ve been in situations where they don’t feel they can be themselves anymore. The very mention of something they believe in sets another off and away they go. I’ve seen posts on social media where people declare that if their audience is supporting their opposing candidate they will be unfriended.

Is it possible to revive the art of communication in this day and time? It is and I believe it’s a strong key to healing estranged relationships.

Communication Must Be Respectful

You have strong views and that’s great. Women who have a good sense of who they are and what they believe are typically strong women. And not everyone shares that strength. I know women who are strong in their beliefs but lack the confidence to share their views.

They feel it is better to avoid the conversation altogether rather than speak up and start World War 3. And then others are the instigators of the impending war. They will speak up and spew their views for all to hear and they don’t seem to care what others think.

Is there a happy medium? There is if you care to sit back, peruse the situation, and find a method of communication that isn’t disrespectful. But how do you do that and not appear weak?

Tips for Healthy Communication

A wise person once said to me when deciding “What is your desired outcome?” If you start with the end in mind, it gives you discernment and wisdom on what you will say and when. Now, I don’t think for one minute that you plan to go to war with comments you may make to someone.

But that is exactly what can happen without thoughtful consideration. Here’s some things to think about.

• Is what you are going to say necessary for the good of all who will hear? Sometimes a comment or thought is better left inside your head. You must decide if it really needs to be said.
• Will you leave room for another’s perspective? Don’t be so dogmatic that you speak and then expect everyone to either agree or be silent. And that begs another question.
• Is this something you really want to get into? Back to the first tip of is it necessary?
• Have you done your homework? Sometimes we spout off something we’ve heard without any thought of determining its truth. Fake news is rampant these days. Don’t be a spreader.
• Be considerate when others speak, especially if they disagree with you. Differing perspectives are good and causes all to think more deeply. It’s been said if a room full of people all agree on a topic, then only one person is needed. Learn to be respectful of others’ opinions.

These are some useful tips to initiate and keep communication respectful and healthy. But what about those difficult conversations we must have?

Managing Difficult Conversations

Every family must oversee conversations that are not pleasant. Think about communicating with your teenager when they’ve broken curfew for the third night in a row. Or a spouse you think has been unfaithful. Or a close friend who has betrayed your confidence. These are tough and if not carefully overseen, can lead to estrangement very easily.

My first tip for difficult communication is to avoid speaking when you are angry. Anger is a valid emotion and should be acknowledged. Simply state that you are angry now and when you’ve had a chance to reflect and cool down, you would like to sit down to discuss.

And then get by yourself. It’s hard for me to pray when I’m angry, but that’s exactly what I need and when I do, it helps set the stage for the hard conversation ahead. I ask God to give me insight and understanding and that he will help me respond respectfully. I don’t want to listen or speak from a position of anger. It does no good to either party.

It helps to have pen and paper and write down things you want to discuss. If the situation warrants, have a proposed plan. For example, if it’s the teenager who ignores your curfew, determine the course of action so that you can present it without anger.

Remember to reflect on the desired outcome. It may be that you just want to get through an initial conversation and no decisions will be made. That’s ok. Think about it before you have the discussion, and things will be much better for you.

When the Other Party Refuses to Maintain Respect

I’ve spoken with women who say they’ve tried to have these hard conversations and no matter how hard they try or how much they pray, it just doesn’t go well. Their child or spouse or friend refuses to talk. Or they are disrespectful.

I’ve been involved in conversations where yelling took over and the discussion spiraled out of control with no chance of a positive outcome. When another person refuses to have a conversation with you or simply lacks the simple discipline of respect, you need a different approach.

As far as it depends on you, do not let the conversation get so heated that someone resorts to yelling, name calling or walking out. This type of behavior can lead to estrangement and honestly, it should. A relationship that is built on this type of behavior isn’t good for anyone.

So, What Approach Should I Take

When discussions with someone have taken a disrespectful turn, it may be hard to bring it back. You’ll need to analyze the situation.

• Who is the person to you? Spouse, Child, Sibling, Co-Worker, or Friend?
• Depending on who the person is to you, it may be wise to create some distance. That’s easier to do with a co-worker or friend.
• Establish healthy boundaries for future conversations. Situations like this necessitate setting some strong disciplines. That may include having another party present to moderate, setting expectations to protect against disrespect and even a clear agenda on what is to be discussed and what outcome is expected.
• Finally, if this is a one-time occurrence, chalk it up to a difficult day. But if it is recurring, it’s time to seriously consider coaching. You do not deserve disrespect, nor should you give it to others.

Growing and maturing in having difficult conversations is a worthy goal to have in any relationship. Truthfully, you manage conflict like what you grew up with and that may not have been ideal. You may have a bent toward anger and need to learn how to control that emotion.

Whatever is going on between you and the other party, it’s not one-sided. You blame them and they blame you. The truth is somewhere in the middle. When one person is stuck blaming the other, then that relationship doesn’t go any further until they realize their part.

Blame is an easy game to play. It will keep you (or them) from dealing with the core matter and it will prevent that relationship from growing. In fact, it may die a slow and agonizing death. Is that what you desire? Can you live with that outcome?

Communication is the Hallmark of Great Relationships

If you want great relationships, start with effective communication skills. You can’t control the other people in your life, but you can dictate how you interact with others.

Triggers are common to people and anyone close to you knows yours. When you are angry or upset, it’s easy to push those buttons. I’ve done it and I’m sure you have too. How did that work out for you? Yes – not so good for me either.

Make it a priority to pursue and practice excellent communication no matter what the relationship is with others in your life. Even if they try to trigger you. Even when they yell or make false accusations. You may be invited to the argument, but you don’t have to accept the invitation.

Think about past issues with difficult people in your life. Are the arguments similar in nature? Is there a pattern you can identify and avoid? It may be helpful to consider the most recent situation and replay how you could’ve overseen it differently.

Consider the desired outcome. Calm down before you speak. Be respectful and learn to bring back the art of honest communication. You may have continued relationship problems, but it won’t be because of you if you are practicing respectful conversations.

In addition to these podcasts, I also write blogs on diverse topics to help with relationship building. Just go to my website at www.beckykolb.com/blog for the most recent publication.

Until next time – Remember to be better – not bitter!