Waiting for your estranged one to change is often postponing your own life.

When someone you love walks away, waiting can become a way of life.

You wait for the phone to ring.

You check your texts.

You wonder if today might be the day you hear from them.

A birthday comes around and you wonder if they’ll reach out. Then a holiday. Then another birthday.

And somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, you can begin putting your own life on hold.

I understand why.

When a relationship is important to us, we want to fix it. We think if we can just find the right words, give it enough time, apologize one more time, explain ourselves better or reach out at just the right moment, maybe things will change.

Hope isn’t a bad thing. I don’t believe you have to give up hope for reconciliation.

But there is a difference between having hope and living in waiting.

And sometimes that difference is hard to see.

Are you Waiting for your Estranged Loved One to Change?

One of the hardest things about estrangement is that the person is still here.

That’s what makes this kind of grief so confusing.

You’re grieving someone who is still living. You’re grieving:

So, when something good happens, you may even feel guilty enjoying it. You ask yourself questions.

How can I be happy when this relationship is still broken? Don’t I need my loved one to change to be happy?

How can I take a trip, laugh with friends, enjoy my family or simply have a really good day when this still hasn’t been resolved?

But here’s something I want you to consider:

Your happiness is not a betrayal of the person you miss.

You can:

Those things can exist at the same time.

You Cannot Do Both Sides of a Relationship

You do not have to wait for your loved one to change, and this may be one of the hardest truths in estrangement.

You can look honestly at your part.

You can apologize when an apology is needed.

You can change things about yourself that need changing.

You can leave the door open.

You can love someone from a distance.

But you cannot make another person walk through that door.

There comes a point when continuing to try to control something you cannot control only leaves you exhausted.

And that’s when I think a different question becomes important.

Instead of asking:

“What can I do to make them come back?”

Try asking:

“How do I want to live amid this estrangement?”

That’s a very different question.

Because suddenly we’re talking about something you actually have some control over.

Take an Honest Look at What you’ve Stopped Doing

Has your estrangement changed the way you live?

Have you stopped getting together with certain people because you don’t want to answer questions.

Or do you dread holidays now.

Are you present with your spouse, your friends or your other children? Or has that lapsed because your thoughts keep going back to the person who isn’t there.

Consider whether you’ve stopped planning things because you’re always wondering if your loved one will change?

Or maybe nothing looks particularly different from the outside, but inside, this relationship gets the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night.

That’s a lot of your life to give to a decision someone else is making.

I’m not suggesting that you simply “get over it.” I don’t particularly like that phrase.

Some losses change us.

But being changed by something and being controlled by it are two different things.

What Would Moving Forward Look Like for You?

Maybe it’s simply waking up one morning and deciding that you’re not going to check your phone every ten minutes.

These aren’t huge things.

But little by little, they are how you begin taking your life back.

And if reconciliation happens someday, moving forward now won’t have ruined it.

You haven’t locked the door or stopped loving them.

You’ve simply stopped standing at the door every day waiting for someone else to open it.

There is a difference.

One Question For You

So, here’s the question I’d like you to sit with:

How much of your life are you postponing while you wait for one person to change?

Don’t rush to answer it.

Just think about it.

Because there may be parts of your life that are waiting for you, too.

And moving ahead isn’t giving up on the relationship.

It’s not giving up on you. Stop waiting for your loved one to change and start to live again.

I’ve created a new download for you that will help and it’s called “Five Things to Do When Your Loved One Walks Away.” Just go to beckykolb.com/guide to get the free e-book. Until next time remember to focus on living a healthy and peaceful life – even amid estrangement.

TOPIC: Podcast