You’ve heard it before – just let go in estrangement. Let it go. Surrender and you’ll feel better. Well, I surrendered and decided to let go and guess what? I didn’t feel better. I still obsessed and grieved, and my broken heart didn’t heal.
This episode is a short but concise 5 steps to let go in estrangement. It’s an uncomplicated process but it requires your commitment and I promise you’ll find the peace you seek. Ready? Let’s roll today’s episode.
Perspective Shift
Surrender isn’t lip service. It isn’t even an honest decision to let go. Scripture says in Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.” The perspective shift is to become aware of God’s presence – just the opposite of your mind pushing you to let go.
Now, if you’re like me, sitting still isn’t an easy task. My husband tells me my name should have been “Do it now Becky.” And then he changed it to “Why didn’t you do it yesterday, Becky?” A little levity is good for the soul, but it’s true that I’m not a sit still kind of girl. Consequently, I’ve recorded today to help you with this task.
Today’s episode is about sitting still and recognizing God’s presence. That’s the start of the process. If you’re taking notes, write down the scripture from Psalm 46:10 and when you are alone with God, ask Him to quiet your heart and make you aware of His presence. Linger there.
Spend some time praising Him for who He is to you – Redeemer, Savior, Keeper of your Soul, Father – produce your own ways to praise Him. And then turn to thanks for what He’s done for you already.
Step 1 to Let Go in Estrangement
Now that you’ve become still and sense God’s presence, come a little closer. God already knows what fills your heart. The brokenness, fear, anxiety, wishful hope for reconciliation. He’s present with you and now is the time to speak with Him as you would a trusted friend. Pour out your heart. He’s listening.
Women tell me they feel awkward telling God certain things. My friend God already knows how you feel. Nothing is hidden from Him. He seeks your honesty and is a rewarder of those who seek Him. You don’t have to be afraid to tell Him exactly what’s on your heart. Let it all out.
Step 2 is to Resist Reliving the Issue
When you are estranged from a loved one, it’s common to relive what happened. You wonder what you could have done or said differently. Some aren’t even certain of what caused the issue that caused the estrangement.
Furthermore, even if you know what happened, you ruminate over the conversation or argument and wish for a different outcome. The pain is real as your emotions are raw. Missing the relationship with your kids and their family hurts like no other.
Physical pain can be relieved with a topical ointment and bandage or a surgical procedure, but emotional pain lingers day and night. How do you let go in estrangement? Look up. Psalm 121 says “I lift my eyes – my help comes from the Lord.”
Emotional healing comes from God. When you bring the issues to Him and ask for His healing, He will meet you where you are. Stop reliving the issue and obsessing over it. When that temptation comes, bring it to the Lord again and ask for His healing.
You aren’t pretending you aren’t hurting. You’re giving the pain to the One who can heal your heart.
Step 3 to Let Go in Estrangement – Stop Fixing the Issue
As a mom, you and I want to fix things. It’s what we’ve always done. Yet somehow you can’t fix this one. Try and try again and the estranged relationship remains and nothing you do resolves the problem.
Are you a working woman? I’ve recently retired, but for many years I lived by the alarm clock. Consequently, I joined the snooze club as I reached over and hit the button a few times.
Think of that analogy when you attempt to fix your estrangement. Just hit the snooze button by taking it back to God. You hear the alarm and instinctively you want to do something. I detest that buzzing sound or the loud music coming from the alarm and so I snooze it.
Practice doing the same with your urge to fix the issue. You’re teaching your mind to refocus by going to the One who can fix the issue. Keep hitting that snooze button by taking your urges or threats to God. You’ll stay connected to Him and this is where true surrender begins to take shape.
Step 4 – Become a Participant in Trusting God
Do you ever feel the urge to crank up praise music and sing aloud? I only do that when I’m alone because I was not given the gift of song. But when I do, my heart relaxes and I feel peace. God’s presence is near as scripture tells us He inhabits the praises of His people.
Have you read scripture aloud? It feels awkward at first but hearing the sound of your voice recite scripture is somehow different. You’ll feel as though you are participating with God in proclaiming His word or singing praises to Him.
Walking with music is my favorite. I listen to praise songs and pray as lead. The result is that I come home relaxed and full of joy. When you begin to feel stress or anxiety, try taking a walk and if you have the ability, put on some praise songs and pour out your troubles to the God who is listening.
God is asking you to trust Him with your estranged relationship. He wants to help you let go in estrangement and trust Him with your loved one. Participating will keep you engaged and close to God during the process.
Step 5 – Yet I will Praise Him
Letting go in estrangement is a process. Reconciliation may or may not occur. Surrendering includes letting go of the outcome and trusting God with that too.
Read Habakkuk 3. It’s in the Old Testament and not a book that we often hear quoted. But one of my favorite scriptures is in Chapter 3 verse 18. “Yet, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in the Lord my God.” Habakkuk had lost everything – a total economic and agricultural collapse. And even still he resolved to rejoice.
Moreover, there is something life changing about praising God in the midst of a chaotic crisis. Estrangement counts as just that.
Grandkids are withheld. Holidays are no more. Sadness prevails. Shame and guilt adorn your neck and your heart is broken. Yet, God is on His throne. He is God almighty. He is trustworthy and worthy of praise. He desires a relationship with you. Habakkuk says yet will I praise him!
Will you resolve to praise Him even amid your heartbreak and estrangement?
5 Steps to Let Go in Estrangement
It’s a straightforward process but it’s not easy and it requires your commitment and participation. How badly do you seek peace? Do you want to finally let go and surrender? More importantly, do you want to heal the emotional pain you suffer?
This process is exactly what healed my heart when estranged from my kids. Consequently, this past weekend, I spent 3 wonderful days with them celebrating a milestone birthday for my mom. We laughed, ate together, explored, and went sightseeing.
Healing wasn’t a quick occurrence. It’s taken years and various get togethers that didn’t go quite as well. But I’ve added praise to my prayer time and that’s the joy of reconciliation, restoration, and reunion with my kids.
Will you consider this process to heal your broken heart and help you finally let go in estrangement. And trust the outcome to God? Read my story of how I learned to let go and trust God in estrangement. You can find it here.
Need to talk further? Coaching may be what you need to move your forward. Reach out at www.beckykolb.com/consultation
If you aren’t quite ready for that, download my free guide – 4 Steps to Discover Peace in Estrangement. Start your private healing time and reach out if you are stuck.