Cynical thinking in estrangement is more common than you may realize. What exactly is cynicism? Do you have unrealistic or inappropriate expectations of others? Let me ask another way.
Are you hardened, bitter and jaded when you think of your estranged loved one? That’s a question that I would ask you to ponder in prayer before God. I would have said no to that question, but the reality is that cynical thinking was embedded deep within and I couldn’t see it.
Estrangement hurts deeply. The tendency to lash out, defend and even engage in cynical thinking is an outcome. The good news is there is a way to counter it – once it’s recognized. Let’s take a look.
A Biblical Look at Paul’s Ministry
Reading through the New Testament, you’ll encounter books written by the Apostle Paul who frequently endured isolation, false accusations, imprisonment and hostile people. If anyone had a reason for cynical thinking, it was Paul.
Yet, he is an apostle that is frequently associated with the word joy. How can that be? I’m reading through the book of Philippians right now and find it reassuring as well as challenging to maintain joy and reject hard and bitter thoughts.
If you’re like me, then estrangement creates a breeding ground for cynicism. You’re tempted to look at the other person and judge their life. After all, how could they walk away from the relationship with you after all they’ve done or said. If it’s a son or daughter, you know their life history and that you’ve loved them through it all.
Sure, you’ve made some mistakes and have some regrets, but they aren’t exactly perfect, right? And that influential person in their life isn’t either and yet they hold the cards on whether you get to see your grandkids or not.
Cynical thinking is brewing and once it starts, it’s like the tea kettle. It sings until it cools off.
How to Avoid Cynical Thinking
Consequently, the negative spiral begins and digs a hole that’s often hard to escape. Let me share a story with you about seeing the good in people. My husband is experiencing some health issues in his older age and has had a few falls.
While exiting the car for a doctor’s appointment recently, he tripped over a curb and went down. Immediately, a man came running to help us. I later learned his wife was in the cancer center and yet he had time to come and help someone in need.
Shortly after, three people came rushing out of the building to help. I didn’t know these people and would never see them again, and yet they were there to help when the need arose. It caused me to reflect on the basic good in people.
Furthermore, to realize that same good exists in everyone. Yet, when estranged, you often do not see it in the loved one who walked away. Cynical thinking takes over.
The first step to avoid this way of thinking is to realize the basic good in humankind and to look for it in people all around you. See people as they are and not as you expect them to be. I had no expectations of help that morning. My husband had fallen and my first worry was whether he was hurt and secondly helping him get up.
Expectations Fuel Cynical Thinking
What expectations do you have of your estranged loved one? Be honest and open as you ask God to reveal the answer to you. Families in general often expect more of one another than they do with others.
Expectations that they will call or visit. What about holidays? And in-laws? Now, I’m in the camp where calls and visits should occur, but I also believe they should be voluntary and driven by the person’s desire to reach out and have a relationship.
I’ve witnessed firsthand families that hold to long standing traditions with the expectation that kids – even in adulthood – will adhere. And should they try to break out of that mold shame and guilt are sure to come. If that’s a situation you face with your estranged loved one’s in-laws, please try to be understanding.
If your son or daughter has married into that family, they are in a hard place. Do they appease their spouse and family or you? Cynical thinking is an easy choice, but it won’t help you or the relationship.
Pay attention to the expectations you have in your estranged relationship and see if there are compromises or varying perspectives that will help you move toward a balanced and healthy relationship.
What God Says
As a Christian who seeks to honor God, cynical thinking is the opposite of what he desires. Looking at Paul when he was imprisoned, he realized that those around him were lost – without Christ. He saw them as they were and not as he wanted them to be.
And his focus was on his ministry – Christ – and not himself. Oh, the pity party we throw ourselves at times.
Philippians 4:8 is a great scripture on thoughts as it advises us to think about what is true, honorable and praiseworthy. Now, you may have to think for a bit to come up with something, especially in the heat of the moment, but try it. You’ll find it helpful.
2 Corinthians 10:5 says to take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ. When you find your mind heading toward that cynical cycle, take that thought straight to God and ask him to take it from you and replace it with something praiseworthy.
Let me encourage you to let go of any guilt you may feel for cynical thinking that’s dominated your mind. Let it go. Don’t live there. Start today with a fresh new perspective. Google scriptures that talk about the mind and thoughts and dwell there.
Transform Cynical Thinking Today
Will you join me today and resolve to let go of cynical thinking, expectations of others and focus instead on the basic good in people?
- Think of your estranged loved one and come up with one or two traits that are basic good – the ones that bring a smile to your heart and happy memories.
- Pay attention to those around you and look for those that are exhibiting basic good to others? It could be a young person holding open a door for an elderly person. Or, as in my case, yesterday at Costco, when a man walked by and asked if he could help lift a heavy box into my car. It’s all around if you’ll stop to notice.
- Think of something you can do for someone today to exhibit the basic human kindness that God desires in all of us. It feels good to do something for someone else especially when it’s unexpected or spur of the moment.
The secret to stop cynical thinking is simple. Reduce expectations, elevate your thinking to those things that are honorable and praiseworthy, recognize the basic good in others and do for them what you would want them to do for you.
Resist the downward spiral of cynical thinking. I still catch myself going down that path, but with practice, I’ve learned to hand it over to God much quicker and entertain better thoughts. It will improve your mood and the relationships around you too. Until next time, let’s elevate our thoughts to higher ground.