When they won’t forgive – that person or people with whom you are estranged – what do you do? That’s a question I asked myself hundreds of times.

You want to move on. You’ve forgiven and you don’t understand when they won’t forgive you. How many times must you try? How hard do you have to pray? Do you feel as though you are serving a life sentence for something?

That’s exactly how I felt. I pleaded with God. But to no avail. Nothing changed and the estrangement went on for years. I moved in and out of emotions ranging from forgiveness to anger to bitterness to judging.

And then one day I discovered the answer. If this is something you struggle with too, keep reading.

When They Won’t They Forgive Me

If you’ve done something in the past, first don’t obsess over it. Everyone has issues in their past but when it’s you, it looms larger and feels overwhelming at times. As I look back at some of my past it initially seemed enormous, and I wondered how anyone could ever forgive me.

And then, as time moved on, I shifted my focus to the fact that those who refused to forgive weren’t perfect. They had a past too. I wondered why they had set themselves up as judges over my life. That made me angry.

So, I stewed on that a while as the years continued to pass. I began to wonder if I was a terrible person. If they couldn’t forgive me, then would God? Why, I asked God? Why won’t they forgive me?

I had moved on with my life. And I took ownership of some decisions I had made. I wrestled with God for a long time until I confessed my wrongdoing and accepted His forgiveness. He poured out his grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness and I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted.

Except, estrangement was still with me with no hope in my mind of reconciliation or restoration. Why was my cry until God answered. Before I tell you the answer, let’s go back a bit and explore some things.

People Respond from Where They Are in Their Own Life

As human beings we internalize so many things. In my case I carried the guilt of some decisions I had made. And the shame of estrangement. The anger of judgment because from what I knew there was only one Judge, and he had forgiven me.

I want to encourage you if you’re struggling with someone not forgiving you. They may be upset or angry with some decisions you’ve made, but they also view the situation through the lens of their own life and perspective. Understand that they may have every right to feel angry and upset. Their perspective is different from yours.

At the time, I didn’t have the wisdom to think through this carefully. I simply felt anger and heavy guilt and shame. Over time I began to shift my perspective and that helped me see more clearly.

Here are some steps that I worked through to help me during the times I was refused forgiveness.

Step One is to Seek and Accept Your Own Forgiveness

If you’ve made some decisions that created estrangement, the best thing you can do is focus on you. You desire forgiveness from those with whom you are estranged. But the first person I recommend going to is God. Because His forgiveness is what will set you free – regardless of any other relationship status.

When you know you’ve been forgiven by God and you begin to see your value through his eyes and the lens of scripture, your life will take on a whole new meaning.

When you earnestly confess your wrongdoing to God and ask His forgiveness, scripture says he will forgive you. I had grown up in Church and then got away from it for a while. I didn’t want anything to do with judgmental Christians. Little did I realize then that I also was one of those.

And I sensed God pulling me back to him over the years. I realized his love was so great for me that he was pursuing me. And that’s when I laid it all out, confessed and sought his forgiveness. And I can’t explain how this happens, but I felt an internal peace I had never experienced.

This was the first part of my answer when asking why they won’t forgive. God wanted to deal with me first.

A New Identity

It wasn’t instant, but I began to feel the guilt and shame disappear as I learned in scripture how God valued and saw me.

I began to focus on who God said I was and let go of what others said about me. I wasn’t who they said I was. My life took on an entirely new meaning and I wanted to lean into this new identity. A warm and loving Church family helped.

And I began to spend time with Jesus. Reading my Bible and seeking to understand who he was and who I was in him. My husband began to do the same and together we grew in our faith – as individuals and in our marriage.

Step Two is To Forgive Others

This one was hard. Not that forgiving yourself is easy. But when you receive God’s forgiveness and begin to grow in your faith, you learn that his expectation is that you also forgive others who have wronged you.

Scripture is noticeably clear on this and it’s something I wrestled with for a long time. I thought back to times when I had reached out only to be ignored. My mind replayed many things said over the years and it brought back a lot of immense pain.

If your forgiveness issue is with someone close as estrangement often is, then you know many personal things about that person. You know their dirty secrets and you may be tempted to hold that against them to justify your own unwillingness to forgive.

I would encourage you to let that go. It won’t do you or anyone else any good. Let them deal with their own sin and failures. You didn’t like them judging over you, so don’t try to be a judge now. It’s not your job.

You may find it hard to forgive as I did. But I knew that’s what God wanted me to do so I began to work on it. The Bible says that everyone of us have sinned. No one has escaped that one. So, I began to ask him to help me to see them as he does.

That was helpful because the truth is he loved them every bit as much as he loved me. That may be a hard one for you to swallow if you’ve been hurt but it’s the truth.

I also learned that forgiveness is a process and a choice. It ‘s not an emotion. You can make a choice to forgive someone whether you feel it or not. I didn’t feel it immediately, but I made the choice and honestly, it was a choice I had to make every day. Each time a painful memory arose, or I began to feel bitter, I made the choice again.

And eventually, that pain, anger, and bitterness will subside. This was the 2nd step to his answer about why others won’t forgive and the third was the real key. It’s where the rubber meets the road.

But They Still Won’t Forgive

It’s hard to go through the lengthy process of admitting your failures, confessing, and asking forgiveness, learning you have a new identity, receiving God’s forgiveness and then having loved ones that will not forgive you. You’ve made such great strides and don’t understand why they can’t see it or don’t want to.

Again, I want to encourage you. Look where you’ve come from. The depths of guilt, shame and even despair to a new woman, created in God’s image. Forgiven and part of his family. You will have new friends and even a new Church family. You don’t live in that shameful past anymore.

Focus on that incredible gift and not the lack of forgiveness.

A woman once told me that she prayed repeatedly that God would cause her family to forgive her. She had done everything she knew to do, and they wanted nothing to do with her. She was crushed and didn’t understand.

One day she asked “God, why won’t you cause them to forgive me? I know you can change their heart if you want to. Why won’t you?”

To which she sensed him saying “I can cause them to forgive you. I can change their heart, but first I need to change yours.”

She hadn’t realized how bitter her heart was toward them. She again confessed this bitterness and asked God to heal her heart. He did and eventually, she reconciled.

This was the third and key answer God gave me as to why forgiveness was being withheld. Could it be that your own heart is preventing forgiveness by someone? Are you bitter? God understands it, and he wants to help you through it.

Some Tips for Getting Through Estrangement When Someone Won’t Forgive

Estrangement is a silent killer according to some. People who are estranged suffer silently in shame. They feel intense emotional pain. Don’t you own it to yourself to spend some time focusing on you and your relationship with God?

If it’s been a while since you opened a Bible don’t worry. I love a Bible App called You Version that I read on my iPad. It has all the books of the Bible and devotionals you can read on specific topics. I start my day with it. It’s a game changer because it gives me something positive to focus on throughout the day.

Here are some topics you can search for:

You’ll find a wealth of information and scripture to help you get into a better place. Focus on you and your relationship with God and the rest will eventually fall into place. Notice I didn’t say it will fall into how you want it to be. But it will fall into place as God determines and there’s an awful of peace in that.

If you haven’t already, you can download my story of estrangement and how I found peace and forgiveness. Just go to www.beckykolb.com and in the center of the home page you can request the free download that will come directly to your inbox.

Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman!

TOPIC: Podcast