Estrangement results in the loss of a relationship either temporarily or permanently. Whether it is a son, daughter, parent, sibling, or someone else, the loss is profound. You’ll grieve the good memories of the relationship that existed before estrangement. And hope for reconciliation one day.

However, many women I speak with express a deep sadness with a realization that wasn’t readily identifiable at the outset.

Recognizing the real loss in estrangement comes as you realize it isn’t just you and your loved one. It extends to other relationships too. But there is hope and I want to encourage you today with some truths and tips so let’s sit together for a few minutes and I hope you’ll find hope for healing.

Recognizing the Real Loss in Estrangement

A dear friend’s daughter decided to walk away from the relationship with her mom 20 years ago. She was aware of some issues between them, but nothing to warrant a complete rejection of her – the mom who gave birth, nurtured and loved her.

For a few years, she had a relationship with the daughter and her grandkids. Old issues began to arise, and the daughter began pulling away. Shortly after, she began to distance her kids from my friend. And before long, it was full on estrangement with the daughter and grandkids and has been now for 20 years.

My friend longs to see her daughter and grandkids. To know that they are well and happy. She’s missed their growing up years and wonders if they even remember her and the fun outings they used to enjoy together.

The real loss in the estranged daughter extended to a son-in-law and three grandkids. And the roles that disappeared when they walked away. That’s a heavy load to carry.

It’s often that way in estrangement. Rarely does it affect only the two people involved. Entire families have been disrupted by one person’s decision to walk away.

Making Sense of the Estrangement

I don’t know your specific story, but I can imagine it’s painful and extends to relationships other than just a son or daughter.

Emotionally, it’s hard to wrap your head around your own child abandoning a relationship but involving grandkids or others’ is harsh and cruel. And as hard as you try to make amends, you learn quickly that you don’t have any control.

The first encouragement I want to give you is that you may not have control over their decision, but you have control over you.

Take Control of What You Can

You’ll wear yourself out trying to ascertain the reasons behind the estrangement. Questions linger in your mind as you try to figure out what happened that warranted this behavior.

And you can’t force an answer. Your son or daughter may simply refuse to give an answer. Then, you quit asking, not because you don’t want to know, but because you know they aren’t going to be forthcoming with the truth.

When that happens, you may feel as though you are losing your mind. You begin to imagine things. That’s completely normal when you are carrying such a heavy emotional load.

Recognizing the real loss of estrangement will begin to come into focus. That’s when you learn that the only control you have is over yourself.

The first step in taking control is to name the loss.

Name the Loss in Estrangement

For my friend, it was her daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren. She felt she no longer had a role as mom, mother-in-law, and grandmother. Or did she?

She was still a mom, mother-in-law, and grandmother. Refuse to allow anyone to deny that of you. You must respect their wishes to have no relationship, but you do not have to dismiss your roles totally.

Once you name the loss in your estrangement, you will feel a sense of power. No longer do you have to live with guilt and shame in talking about estrangement. You’ve acknowledged and admitted where the relationship stands. If it was a secret, it is no longer.

You don’t have to bury that pain or pretend it isn’t there. It’s okay to talk about the loss and mourn the relationship you thought you would have with your loved ones.

But a wise person once said, “Feel the emotion, but don’t live with it.” In other words, don’t let it consume you. Acknowledge it for what it is. And then resolve to move on.

Redirect your Roles

In recognizing the real loss in estrangement, learn to redirect your roles. Are there other children with whom you are not estranged? Can you find joy and peace in those relationships? One of my greatest joys was finding fulfillment in my role as step-grandparent to my husband’s grandkids.

Can you volunteer in an entity that needs grandmother figures? A church nursery is a wonderful place to love on and nurture little ones.

Mentoring is a fantastic way to connect with young girls who need a role model. Research volunteer opportunities in your community and church where you can exercise your role and help others simultaneously.

You’ll never replace the role you have with your own kids or grandkids, but you can find enjoyment in loving on and caring for others in the meantime.

Change Your Expectations

Think back to your role as a mom when your kids were smaller. You dreamed of the day they would get married and have their own kids. Being a grandmother is one of life’s greatest blessings. I imagine you had expectations of what life would look like at that stage, right?

I know I did. Although my son lived far away in another state, we discussed alternating each year so that we could see the grandkids at holidays and that they worked for a couple of years. Before distance began to be the norm.

Expectations create a haven for emotional upheaval. Once your kids marry, they will figure out what they want their lives to look like and hopefully it will include meaningful time with you. My friend, if you live and die by your expectations with your family relationships, you’ll discover heartache.

Learn to let go and let them define their own lives and traditions. The more you criticize and complain, the longer the estrangement may be. Of course, you’ll be disappointed and you have every right to express your feelings but proceed with caution.

Part of being a mom to an adult child is learning to zip your mouth. Believe me, I learned it the hard way.

The Loss of Estrangement is Devastating

Recognizing the real loss in estrangement is emotionally heavy. It’s a burden I would wish on no one. Being denied a relationship with your grandkids is hurtful not only to you but to them as well. If reconciliation is your goal as I hope it is, I can help improve your chances with the lessons and strategies I learned. You don’t have to make the same mistakes.

I’m happy to say that I have a good relationship with my son today. My daughter-in-law chose to remain estranged and although it saddens me, I will abide by her wishes.

Sometimes, you have to recognize that there are issues you just can’t fix and allow a loved one the space they need to figure their life out and determine how they want to live. You can pray for them and work on your life so that you are in a better position for reconciliation discussion.

To recap today’s episode, remember to:

Until next time, my prayers are always with my listeners and know that I understand the devastation you feel in recognizing the real loss in estrangement. I also know you can find peace and happiness and if you want to explore coaching, I offer a free consultation. Just go to www.beckykolb.com/consultation

TOPIC: Podcast