While every family story is different, I’ve discovered three reasons estranged kids stay silent. If you’ve been searching for answers and hearing crickets, you are not alone.
As a mother your heart breaks when your child refuses to talk with you. The disruption in your family is overwhelming and may extend even to your grandkids. You long to know why and wonder how you can fix the problem so everything can get back to normal.
These questions took a toll on my heart until I took a hard look at the three reasons I’ll share with you today. And once you understand, you can begin to shift your perspective. Furthermore, your behavior and expectations will change creating an open door for reconciliation. Thanks for joining me today.
3 Reasons Estranged Kids Stay Silent
If you’re like most mom’s who are estranged from a child, you are among the “why club”. Why did it happen? Will they tell me why they chose to abandon our family? Why?
I’ve spoken before about changing the why to what. What is God trying to teach me in this season and that’s a great question to explore.
Today, I want to spend some time with 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent. I think you’ll find it helpful and discover some tips to help you move toward reconciliation.
Reason #1 – They Feel the Conversation Will Lead to Conflict
The first of 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent is they feel any conversation would lead to further conflict. Reflect back on the last conversation you had. How did it end? Was anger involved? How about shouting? One prevalent with me was defensiveness.
A mistake you and I make as mothers is to defend ourselves when we are accused – false or otherwise. Most people detest conflict. One person told me they would rather have all their teeth pulled than engage in conflict. Ouch.
Your child would do whatever they could to avoid conflict too. Parenting days are over now that you have an adult child. And it’s time to begin treating them as such. It’s hard to let go, I know.
They want to be treated as the adults they are. Kids want to be respected whether we agree with their decisions or not.
How to Avoid the Conflict Reason for Silence
- First, remember that your child is an adult who is worthy of respect. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship but how you fight is paramount to keeping the relationship intact. Therefore, avoid any attempts to mother and prepare for a conversation as though you were talking with a friend.
You may not feel your son or daughter is a friend at the moment, but in the end, isn’t that what you desire? To have a healthy relationship as friends. That begins with respect.
Reasons #2 and #3 Your Estranged Kid Remains Silent
- Secondly, an open heart and mind is essential. The accusations may be false, but what they are expressing is their perception. And you know the saying that perception is reality. At least it’s their reality. By staying open-minded and avoiding anger, you will be in a position to explain what may have been a misunderstanding.
When you rush to defend, you lose that opportunity and the conversation will quickly deteriorate into unwanted conflict.
And if you are guilty of the accusations, hear and accept your wrongdoing. And then sincerely apologize and seek their forgiveness. Realize they may not forgive right away, but it’s essential that you follow through with this step.
- Thirdly, maintain emotional stability. Avoid the tendency to talk over your child. Hear them out. Make notes if needed so you can come back to address important topics. And keep a steady voice. You may feel anger rising but control your emotions and don’t raise your voice.
These three tips will help set the stage for a healthy conversation and allay any fears your child may have about further conflict.
Reason #2 – They Don’t Fully Understand Themselves
Reason 2 of the 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent is that they don’t fully understand their own feelings and emotions. I don’t know your story, but if estrangement came as a result of a divorce, your child may have stuffed their feelings. When they don’t understand what’s going on within themselves, it’s easy to lash out and blame someone else.
Sons are more prone to this as they don’t often get the help they need to deal with emotional baggage. Daughters and women in general talk more openly about their feelings than men.
One of the best gifts you can give your child in this situation is time. Let them know you understand they have unresolved feelings and that you love them and are there for them if they want to talk. But don’t force it.
Another issue could be a son-in-law or daughter-in-law that may undermine you. Unless danger is at stake, your child’s loyalty is to their spouse and any effort you make to get involved will not go well.
One of the top 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent is parental interference into their kid’s marriage or parenting styles.
Here are some tips to help you when that is the issue:
- Do not speak ill of your child’s spouse.
- Do not undermine their parenting styles – even if you disagree with them.
- Find common ground and compliment those things that are positive and affirming.
- Love them and respect their choices. You don’t have to agree, but respect is essential.
And finally, understand you may not know all that’s going on in their life. Marital conflict of their own may be fueling their silence. Issues at work. Finances.
These are real-life problems that your kid may be facing and if you’re estranged, you won’t be the first person they will want to speak with. Praying they will have a trusted person where they can confide freely and get support is something you can do.
Reason #3 – Silence Feels Safer Than Vulnerability
Silence is golden some may say. But in estrangement, just the opposite is true. Family of origin enters into the communication dynamics. I grew up in an era where parents didn’t tell their kids a lot of things. Certain topics were taboo. One mention of such a topic would warrant a death stare.
Today our culture is vastly different. Some say that parents talk with their kids about too much. And those might be better left unsaid. Vulnerability is one of 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent. Opening up, especially to a parent, feels scary.
In most marriages, parenting styles differ between mother and father. Two people from diverse backgrounds and sometimes even cultures get married and blend their personalities and values. Enter kids who are also uniquely created and gifted, and not all respond similarly to life in general.
Back to the divorce situation, how amicable was the divorce? Mine was combative. Kids get caught in the middle and it affects them deeply. They learn that silence is safer to them than being vulnerable about what they are feeling inside.
That carries into their adult life, marriage, and role as a parent. And it reflects back to you and how they interact with you now that they are an adult.
Reflecting on the environment your kid and their spouse lived with growing up will provide a perspective you may not have considered. Check the tendency to judge or criticize and be open to real gut-wrenching conversations with love and tenderness.
Affirming Your Child Who Resists Vulnerability
If vulnerability is one of the 3 reasons estranged kids stay silent with you, here are some things you can do.
- Affirm your love for them regardless of what they’ve said or done.
- If your family life created places in the past where your kid may not have felt safe to express themselves, let them know that you are truly sorry and that is in the past and won’t be repeated.
- Depending on what that situation looked like, therapy may be needed to work through it and if they are an adult, it will be up to them to seek that. Encourage them to get the help they need.
- Create a safe place in your heart and home where your child can be open and honest about their feelings. Listen and resist any urges to interrupt or defend.
I recall one specific time when my daughter reached out after an exceptionally long time of separation. She talked for over an hour, and I barely said 4 words. I listened and afterwards I told her that God was in our conversation because for the first time I heard not only with my ears, but also with my heart.
These are other reasons your kid may stay silent, but these will fit into your estranged relationship as one of the top three.
As said before, perception is reality and as the mother of an estranged kid, it is important to check your defensiveness at the door along with attitudes, blame, guilt and raised voice. I promise if you work on these three, you’ll eventually see improvement in your estranged relationship. And with others too.
Ready to Work on Your Heart
I created a free e-book at www.beckykolb.com/guide to help you as you begin to work on your own heart in preparation for having discussion with your estranged kid. It’s a beautiful place to explore your own emotions and get yourself in check so that you are prepared for healthy discussion.
And if you need encouragement or more support, reach out to me at www.beckykolb.com/consultation
Reconciliation and restoration are so important. I’m here for you and always praying for listeners who are battling the emotions of estrangement.
Until next time, work to address one of the 3 reasons your estranged kid stays silent. And remember that you are an amazing woman uniquely created by God.