Peace even in estrangement is attainable although women believe otherwise. What about you? Do you feel that your estranged relationship must be reconciled before you can have peace? I did.

Obsessing over words spoken, actions taken and how a loved one could choose rejection was nonstop. You wonder if you’ll ever be normal again. I laugh about this now because what really is normal?

You see, women believe they are the only one going through this painfully emotional time and we compare our abnormal to the perceived normal in others.

Wherever you are, sit with me a few minutes and I’ll share how you can build a meaningful life and discover peace – even before the relationship heals.

What is Normal in a Relationship?

How would you answer that question if posed to you today? Every relationship has highs and lows. As a young mom, your relationship with your toddler was both rewarding and fulfilling while simultaneously frustrating and chaotic. That’s normal.

As your darling toddler grew into adolescence, what changed? Did arguments increase? You may have noticed a challenge of authority becoming more prevalent. Testing of whether you meant what you said. That’s normal.

Moreover, as they enter their teen years and think they are the world’s greatest source of knowledge, they quickly discover they aren’t. Sure, they will assess the limits, disobey and get into some trouble but they are growing in their own life and learning new norms with you as a parent. That’s normal.

What about when they hurt you and say things you never thought you would hear come from their mouth? They want to go live with their dad or someone else. Friends are ones you would not choose and disapprove. Your teen lies to you and keeps you out of the loop of what’s going on. Is that normal?

In today’s culture, it seems to be. But is it really up to you and me to determine what is normal? Every relationship is unique and what’s normal in your life may not be in another’s. Bottom line, stop seeking to define normal and focus on your role in the relationship.

70 million People are Estranged

One report I read states that over 70 million people are estranged from a loved one. Normal in our culture today is cutting someone off. Call it initiating no contact, rejection, or abandonment. Estrangement is normal in our society.

But it’s not normal in our hearts. How can you find peace even in estrangement? First, stop comparing your normal to another’s.

When I was estranged from my kids, it included my grandkids. Holidays would come and my friends would leave our active adult community to go home and celebrate. Consequently, I felt abnormal because I wasn’t going to be doing what they were.

My heart ached and it felt lonely and sad. How I longed to see them and be part of their lives. Focusing on what others had caused me to be more keenly aware of what was missing in my life. How could I find peace even in estrangement when that was my normal?

How to Find Peace Even in Estrangement

First, I don’t want to minimize your pain. Emotional upheaval is part of an estranged relationship and certain things will trigger negativity. Birthdays, holidays, and other important reminders creep in. Believe me, I know the emotional pain.

Peace was what I sought. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again. Let me assure you that I did and you can too.

Change Your Focus

Begin by changing your focus. Yes, you have an estranged relationship. Remind yourself that so do 70 million others. You aren’t alone. Focus on what you do have.

Change your focus and your demeanor will naturally go to happiness and joy over those things because you are choosing to let go of what you don’t have.

If you haven’t already listened, I did a podcast some time back on letting go. You may want to listen later, and you can find it at www.beckykolb.com/2

Pay Attention to Your Thoughts

If your desire is to find peace even amid estrangement, pay attention to your thoughts. You know, those random thoughts that come from nowhere.

A funny story I’ll share with you. I will be in the midst of a prayer and all of a sudden, I’m thinking about something unrelated. How did I go from talking to God to thinking about what I’m cooking for dinner or worse yet, what I’m going to do next in an attempt to reconcile a broken relationship?

We all do it. Our minds wander. I challenge you to pay attention to your thoughts today. When you aren’t focused on something, where does your mind go? What thoughts enter? And when you begin to become aware of unwanted thoughts, you can begin to control them.

For example, your mind wanders to hurtful things your kid said to you or the myriads of unanswered texts. What does your body feel? Anxiety, fear, and sadness. Stop those immediately upon notice and redirect your thoughts to something else.

Learn to redirect. I refuse to allow those thoughts to occupy my mind. Therefore, I’m going to redirect to a positive experience – my beautiful flower garden, a new hobby, and a pleasant conversation I had earlier. It’s powerful in discovering peace even amid estrangement.

Learn to Build a Meaningful Life

Women feel emotions deeply in the heart and especially when it is a loved one who has rejected a relationship with you. You feel loss. What do you do now that you aren’t mothering? Your role as mom and grandmother may have disappeared.

How do you find peace even amid estrangement in that scenario? You begin to build a life apart from those roles.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you forget that you are a mom or grandmother. However, I am encouraging you to find meaningful life in other places.

Did you know that as a child of God you are uniquely gifted? God gives gifts to all of his children. One of mine is encouragement. You can go online and take spiritual gifts inventory and find out what yours are. Your Church may also offer something similar.

My spiritual gift is something I enjoy deeply, and it has been confirmed by those who know me. Consequently, I want to do things that employ that gift. Podcasting and coaching women in estrangement utilizes my gift of encouragement.

I’ve also moved to Texas from Arizona and I’m learning to garden. Clay soil and humidity are two factors that are challenging, not to mention the rabbits eating my flowers. I’m enjoying gardening, learning a new skill and I can find peace even amid estrangement.

Are You Ready to Find Peace Even Amid Estrangement?

As you change your focus, pay attention to your thoughts and redirect and begin to build a meaningful life apart from your roles when estranged, you’ll find lasting peace.

Continue to pray for your loved one who is estranged. And if you haven’t already, consider exploring forgiveness. I have another podcast on struggling with forgiveness. You can find it at www.beckykolb.com/44

And don’t forget to download my free booklet Shift your Mindset from What to Why and Discover 4 Steps to Lasting Peace. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/guide.

Until next time, work to find peace even amid estrangement with these tips and you’ll find a happier and more joyful life.

TOPIC: Podcast