As children of God, we are made for connection. Connecting with another in meaningful relationship is one of the greatest joys of life. Family, friends, and co-workers. Neighbors, Church fellowship, and children’s sporting events are all places we find connection.

Conversely, rejection is one of the most painful emotional upheavals that one will ever experience. Abandonment of a relationship runs deep within the soul – cutting through every fiber of your being.

If meaningful connection is a beautiful flourishing garden, rejection is an unsightly heap of twigs and branches tied into bundles to be tossed away. You mourn the loss of that once beautiful shrub that bore fruit. The removal of that relationship even briefly damages your soul.

Today’s episode is a bit longer and will delve into the relationship of our adult kids who marry, have children, and later reject you as a parent. Specifically, this will deal with daughters-in-law who influence your son and his family. I have some personal experience on this one so grab a coffee or tea and sit with me for a bit.

Made for Connection

Remember the joys of raising your children? Sure, there’s some not so joyous moments too, but you’ll remember their first words, the first day of school, sporting events, and school musicals. Parent’s day was a time to sit with your littles on the wee chairs as you dined on cafeteria food and met their friends.

Holidays were extra special with family gathered, gifts opened and the cleanup of all that wrapping paper and tinsel.

You expect your kids will grow up, get married, have their own family and you’ll experience the joy of grandparenting. All those wonderful things you did with your kid you’ll now get to do with your grandchild. Your heart swells with joy when your offspring produces their offspring.

My First Grandchild

Recalling the birth of my first grandchild, I remember vacillating between sheer excitement and that feeling of “I’m not old enough to be a grandma.” Just one look at his beautiful face cradled in my arms threw that last one out the window. Such a proud moment.

Visions of being one big happy family danced in my head. Although they lived many miles away in another state, I would cherish the visits and a chance to spoil this grandson every chance I could.

One Christmas they came to Colorado and I was in a desperate search for a snow suit so that we could sled. The only one I could find was a girlie baby blue at Costco. His parents were horrified, but he didn’t care. He would just remember the sledding and the fun memories we made. Happy times.

The sheer distance between our homes lessened the times we saw one another. As time marched on, the connection began to wane and eventually it was lost.

When Something Happens to the Connection

This part of the story is one for which many of my listeners relate. Your son marries and you love your daughter-in-law and try hard to allow the new couple to develop as a family without interference. That’s hard for us mothers, because once a mother always a mom.

We never stop worrying about our kids. Unsolicited advice is given without realizing it may create problems. And then there are the expectations. Your child and his family now have pressure from both sides to be at holiday gatherings.

Despite efforts to try to alternate between families, with us, life got in the way and other family expectations arose.

Their visits became fewer and increasingly strained as our daughter-in-law didn’t want to be there. We didn’t understand the gradual change that was happening. Attempts to learn were unfruitful.

The Influence of Your Daughter-In-Law

Now, I will start by saying you can substitute son-in-law if that’s your estranged relationship. The principles are the same. The request to do this podcast dealt with daughter-in-law and that’s my experience. But use the same message if yours is a different in-law.

When I married my husband 30 years ago, the marriage came with three wonderful sons and their families. Blended families have their own unique challenges and being in business with one of them creates another level of conflict.

Issues arose with that daughter-in-law, and we held it together fairly well, I thought. This connection too began to unravel. During the holidays of 2024 she stopped talking with us completely. Attempts to determine the cause were unmet as she refused to identify the issues.

You may wonder why I’m doing a podcast on this subject when two of four daughters-in-law are estranged. It’s a subject I’ve avoided partially because I didn’t want to talk about private matters in public. Moreover, I struggled with what I would say on the topic given the fact that we’re still estranged.

Yet, that’s exactly what estranged women tell me. They are ashamed and silent on the subject. That’s not healthy. I had to take a dose of my own medicine.

A recent request from a listener caused me to begin to pray about writing and recording a podcast on this topic. So many women are telling me they experience this in their own homes. One of the biggest areas of spiritual growth is often in conflict or challenging times. That’s the case with me. My hope is to share how God helped me through the pain of estrangement and can help you too.

God Speaks on This Estrangement

God is the one that I want to honor here. And as such, I asked him to place his words in my mind as I speak to you today. How can my experiences with this help you? What have I learned that I can share to ease your pain, shame and confusion?

How can I address this without throwing shade at my daughters-in-law? Those were the questions I asked God. And he laid upon my heart to share my pain and how he met me, healed me, and gave me peace. I don’t need to share specific details about the estrangement as that isn’t helpful. And to honor God, I also need to honor the two women in what I say.

When Your Son Marries, The Relationship Changes

When your son marries, his allegiance will shift as it should. His wife is now his first priority and honestly, you want that. Even if their relationship with you is strained.

As Christian moms, we prayed for our son’s future wife. We asked God to lead them to a woman who would make them happy and fulfilled. One who would respect and love them. We must trust that he heard and answered that prayer. Regardless of how we feel about the relationship.

Even though we’ve had our shared struggles, both of our son’s wives have been good for them. Both are the ambitious, fast-paced, we can do anything girls and the boys are more reserved, think it through ones. They balance each other. They share a love for fitness, and they create beautiful kids.

We are made for connection – it’s how God wired us. And in marriage, the man and women become one flesh. Understanding and reaffirming that truth will help you process life with your adult children. When Jesus came on the scene, John the Baptist said, “He must increase and I must decrease.” That’s how I felt about motherhood. It was time to let go. My job was done.

As I share some of our own personal issues and struggles as well as what God has taught me, I offer you this.

None of it was easy,

 I am still learning and growing,

and it takes time.

You can take those three things to the bank as it will happen as you seek to grow and discover peace in estrangement.

Sons and Daughters

You’ve heard the phrase “When you have a daughter, you have her for life. When you have a son, he’s yours until he takes a wife.” It’s true that daughters are usually closer to their mothers and when your son marries, her family may take priority. You’ll feel left out at times. Do you share your hurt feelings or suck it up and take it?

That conversation alone will often drive a wedge in the connection. No matter what you say, it may be taken wrong and the slippery slope begins. Now, I don’t lay the blame solely on the daughter-in-law. She may have pressure from her side of the family. Furthermore, the traditions she grew up with are fond memories and she will want her kids to experience those too.

I get that and I’m sure you do too. But what about your traditions and mine? Aren’t those important? They are to you and me and to your son as well. But they may not be important to her. It’s up to your son to instill his desires and values. They are a team now – a couple – and a healthy marriage will have give-and-take.

So, What’s a Mother to Do?

Allow them to work through those issues and do your best to stay out of it. No doubt, disappointment will arise. They will make decisions that do not align with your desires or belief system.

Certainly, it’s okay to share your thoughts with your son, but allow him to deal with it in his own way. And do your best to avoid laying pressure on him. It will not end well. Speaking from experience here.

It was heartbreaking and incredibly painful to miss our grandkid’s early years. Dreams were shattered. We knew on good authority that things were being said behind our back that would taint the relationship for years to come.

The last visit with my son’s family was wrought with ambivalence and a feeling that we were not wanted. We have not visited since and neither have they. It’s been 13 years since they visited us at our home and 10 years since we last visited. It’s beyond heartbreaking. It’s an ache that never goes away.

Blended Family Connections

Recently, we were watching one of our favorite television series and buffering began. The connection wasn’t solid and for the rest of the evening frustration set in as we watched a bit and then that annoying circle appeared spinning for minutes on end.

We are made for connection, but when the buffering signs appear, you can be sure the relationship is deteriorating.

You may have the best relationships in your blended family, and I hope that you do. That’s often not the case. If you’ve read my story (on my website) you know the backfill here. Family was estranged early on and I certainly understood that.

As time passed, relationships were forged and we thought we were finally on the right track to having a healthy fulfilling relationship with everyone. We began to see cracks when visits to our other estranged family resulted in a distance that was uncomfortable. Comments were made in front of us that were hurtful.

Most relationships with others in my husband’s family were solid until this most recent estrangement and we’re back to a broken family with no idea other than gossip as to why.

Are you relating to any of these relationship issues? Do you feel your daughter-in-law is negatively influencing your son against you and your family?

It happens. More often than you might imagine. It hurts deeply.

Do you wonder at times if you should have kept your mouth shut?

Do you replay conversations wondering what you said that could have been so upsetting?

Do you feel that you have no voice? That what you say is used against you?

I have had these thoughts, and I know you have too. It’s natural. What’s done is done and it pains me deeply that I’ve missed the lives of my grandkids who are now both adults. I’m closer to the grandson and we text on occasion, but the granddaughter has remained distant. The pain remains but it has lessened over time.

Where is Son in All of This?

Do you feel yourself saying internally “Why can’t my son influence her as he also has a family. Isn’t that important?” Sure, I’ve thought that. It’s a natural question when your family rejects being with you.

What I’m going to say is hard. The more pressure you apply, the worse it will become. Your son and his wife are now one flesh. He wants peace. Expressing your disappointment only serves to create conflict in their relationship and neither of them want that. It’s easier to just stop talking.

Are you wrong to express your disappointment that your son and his family rarely visit? No – and yes. My experience is that you don’t stuff and repress it. That will show up later in anger and resentment. But what you say and how you say it matter.

A few years ago on a phone call, I told my son and his wife that we loved and missed them and that we knew things weren’t right. We are made for connection, but there seemed to be none. What, I asked, is the reason? What have we done? How can we make it right?

Silence. My son did most of the talking and said they were just busy with life, kids, business, etc. Offering a few examples to illustrate my point, excuses were made and no resolution happened. According to them, nothing was wrong – everything was fine and we hung up.

Someone recently said, “I didn’t raise my son to behave in this manner.” Well, that may be true, but they take on another life when they marry. He brings his baggage and she brings hers and they meld together.

Trust that you raised a beautiful kid and entrust them to the Lord. Then let it go for the time being. Letting go is hard. One of my earliest podcasts may be helpful as you make the decision to let go for now. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/2.

Full on Rejection

We’ve tried to determine the cause of both daughters-in-law’s decision not to speak to us but to no avail. God says, “as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.”  When someone is unwilling, you can’t force them to talk.

And, I don’t know about you, but playing the guessing game is a lesson in futility. It’s unproductive and unhealthy. The only avenue for me was to spend time with God and work on my own bitter and resentful heart.

That resulted in the free guide I offer which you can download at www.beckykolb.com/guide. It’s interactive and will help you walk through your pain and explore forgiveness which will bring peace to you.

When They Choose to Walk Away

It takes two to tango and most always the issues that led to estrangement are not one-sided. That’s to say that I accept fully all responsibility for things I said or did to create conflict. Even if I don’t know specifically what those are – I am aware that something I said or did upset them.

In both cases, they chose to walk away. And refused to tell us what we had done.

You were made for connection. A mature relationship will encourage a conversation between two adults – even if it’s a hard one. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. When dissension comes, sitting down face to face to address the issues is what most do. Or is it?

People today find it much easier to walk away from a relationship. Then, they don’t have to confront their part in any conflict. They can blame you and move on. Wisdom will tell you that when they choose to walk away, usually something inside of them is causing the rejection. Not always, but often.

Lack of confidence, rejection by a key relationship, an unwillingness to confront their own feelings or issues and inexperience in dealing with conflict in a healthy manner. These are a few reasons they may choose to walk away rather than face the conflict.

Conflict resolution isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary skill if you want to preserve the connection of relationship with your kids and their families. Sometimes time is all that is needed and relationships heal when time is given.

Eventually my son came back into my life with the understanding that his relationship with me would be separate from that of his wife. Understood. It was a start. It’s the same with my husband’s son too. His issue isn’t with us but hers is. And as I’ve said before, his priority and allegiance are to his wife.

When someone is unwilling to converse about the issues they have with someone, there is nothing you can do to force it. The best thing you can do is surrender it to God. Ask Him to help you forgive them as you’ve been forgiven and love as he has loved you. And then let it go at least for now.

Made for Connection – What Happened?

Hindsight is 20/20. We all know that. Do you ever wish you had a do-over? Can we have that conversation again? Might I recall that email or text? Unfortunately, you can’t. Sometimes, when it’s fresh an opportunity may exist to revisit and clarify.

As a mom and mother-in-law, I could have done things differently. We can all say that.

You will have your own set of what you could do differently. The fact remains that relationships are broken and as far as I can see there is no resolution toward healing between us. But never say never. God can heal. And healing starts in your heart.

In estrangement with my family during my divorce, I asked God, “Why can’t you change their heart?” And he said, “I can, but first I must change yours.” That knocked me for a loop, but it was true and where healing began. Bitterness and resentment were two areas God needed to begin to chisel away in me.

Where Do We Go Next?

As a Christian woman, I struggle with feelings and emotions from estrangement with two daughters-in-law. In the beginning, certainly anger, bitterness and resentment were feelings that were deeply embedded. We are made for connection. We long for it. And it was taken from me along with grandkids. It hurt and I was angry.

I recently saw a photo of a young girl entering heaven running toward Jesus. He was kneeling with arms open wide to catch her and the embrace was strong as His arms were wrapped tightly around her. It reminded me of how we want to embrace our loved ones. Son, daughter-in-law, grandkids. But in estrangement we can’t.

You and I are made for connection. And when you are denied, it’s the awful painful rejection that wears on you. Comforting to know that Jesus has His arms wrapped tightly around you – and them. He’ll never abandon or reject you. His love never wavers.

Hold tightly to that promise not only for you but for your loved ones. And always hold on to hope. God can and does heal. It may not ever happen and won’t be on your time limit but keep the hope.

A Glimpse of Jesus Estrangement

Another perspective is that Jesus offers us a glimpse of what He encountered with estrangement during his time on earth. He was mocked and rejected. Not everyone loved him. Few understood him and even some of his followers fell away. We have a Savior who died for us. One who took our sins upon himself. And the sins of all who would believe in him.

Estrangement can drive us deeper into His arms as we discover more about His character than we ever knew before. He offers joy and peace that no one can take away. He understands better than anyone what you are going through. And He wants you to pour out your heart to Him.

Will you surrender your struggles and pain from estrangement to God?

Will you trust Him with your heart and theirs?

Will you allow your heart to grieve the loss of the relationship and remain hopeful for a better one?

If you do that, you’ll be in a place where you can understand just how much you’ve been forgiven and begin to process His command to forgive as we’ve been forgiven and to love as He has loved us. You can listen to an earlier podcast on Forgiveness at www.beckykolb.com/41. It may help you as you move toward forgiving.

When my family and I were estranged following my divorce, God used those years to develop my heart and theirs. When the relationships were restored, they were different and stronger than before. Trust Him, pray and wait for His timing. The best thing I did for myself was to allow God to work in my hurting heart.

One Final Word

To love and forgive as I’ve been loved and forgiven. That’s a tall order. The reality is that I do love both of my daughters-in-law. They are the mother to our grandkids and the wife to our sons. When estrangement exists, it often affects others in the family. A granddaughter with three kids of her own doesn’t speak to us. We don’t know our three great grandkids and they don’t know us. Gut wrenching.

Sure, I’ve been upset and resentful. I’ve thrown pity parties with the best of them. But God has given a command and as His child, I want to obey.

He tells us in plain English (leaving no room for interpretation) to forgive others as He has forgiven me and to love them as He has loved me.

As a child of God, I don’t get to hold on to bitterness, anger, and resentment. Nor do I want to. It’s heavy to carry around. Forgiving is like taking a backpack full of heavy rocks and setting it down at His feet. When I forgive, I no longer have to carry around that load.

How Can We Say No?

He’s forgiven me of so much (just read my story found on the website) and I am instructed to forgive. How can I say no? And love? I’ve been showered with His love and blessings despite the estrangement. How can I love someone who has rejected me? The same way He loved me when I rejected him.

Before I gave my life to Jesus, I was alienated from Him. And even after, I backslid and rebelled. He didn’t stop loving me. He pursued me. That’s how He wants us to love others.

A word on forgiveness – forgiving them is for you. It doesn’t mean you forget or excuse their behavior. It doesn’t even mean reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn’t fix an issue, and it won’t change the other person’s behavior.

Forgiveness is a change in your attitude and heart. Creating space to allow God to fill your heart with his peace and love as you release the bitterness and resentment that once lived there.

How To Love Someone Who Rejects You

In humanity, it is unnatural to love someone who rejects you. You get good at justifying why you can’t or won’t. You may be tempted to think “Well, you don’t know what they’ve done or said to me.” And you are right. But neither do you know all the details of my estrangement.

I’ve chosen to leave that out because we’ve all been hurt deeply with estranged relationships. Replaying it in your head and repeating it to others isn’t helpful. In fact, it harms you. It keeps you locked in this mental prison of anger and confusion.

God showed me that letting that go, forgiving and then allowing Him to fill my heart with His love, His word and His peace is the very thing He used for breakthrough. It’s what gave me peace.

Yet, as God’s children we fight it. But it is exactly what He tells you to do. Don’t you want your kids to also have faith in Jesus? What message does it send when you and I behave like the world? Haven’t we been told to be different?

I was told that one issue a daughter-in-law had against me was that I was too religious. Although my passion isn’t religion but relationship – a relationship with Christ. Things that I had sent in love had not been wanted or appreciated. Had I known, I would have stopped sooner.

A Place to Start

We’re living in such contrasting times these days. Cultures are different. So are values and worldviews. Respect is required and that is missing in so many relationships today. You do not have to, nor should you allow yourself to be disrespected.

It requires courage and tact to lovingly let someone know that you will not tolerate disrespect for you or any of your family members. It’s perfectly ok to stand up for yourself and your family even when it’s with a son and daughter-in-law.

You also must offer respect to them. You may not know that you can love and respect them even when you disagree with their views and beliefs.

Here’s some things you can do to show love in estrangement.

You Were Made for Connection

These are just a few things to get you started. I’m certain you will find more to add once you start. And watch the peace as it unfolds in your heart. Expect results. God listens when you pray according to his will and word. Watch and see what He will do in your life and your loved ones who are estranged.

Reconciliation will hopefully occur at some point, but don’t get tied to the outcome. This healing is for your heart. Let God take care of the rest. He can change their heart, but first He wants to change yours. And He wants you to trust Him even when you don’t see any movement in the estrangement.

Until next time, hang in there my friend. Life is hard and relationships harder – especially when they are close family. God has your back. Stay on your knees in prayer and allow Him to begin to heal your brokenness in estrangement.

TOPIC: Podcast