Anxiety and estrangement go hand in hand. As the days and months and years wear on with no relationship with your loved one, it’s hard to be anything but anxious. Will you ever see them again? Do they think of you or miss you?

I’m betting that you replay the last conversation you had over and over wondering what could’ve been different? A dear friend lost contact with her adult child and grandchildren years ago. She mourns for this loss and grieves these dear relationships every day.

Anxiety spills over into everyday life and you may find yourself wondering when the next shoe will drop. If that resonates, sit with me today and let’s explore what that looks like and what you can do about it.

Anxiety

If someone asked me during the height of my estrangement if I suffered with anxiety, I would have said no. Because I knew people that had severe anxiety and they were unable at times to be around people. They spoke of feeling heat rise on the back of their neck and feeling they had to escape.

Never had I experienced anything like that. Now, if you phrase it differently and ask if I was a worrier, I will have to admit that one.

Anxiety and worry – both involve concern about unknown future events. Consequently, they are closely aligned. But I hadn’t put that together. If a frequent question you ask is “what if” then you may be feeling anxiety.

I’ll reiterate what I’ve said before and that is that I am not a licensed therapist and am therefore not qualified to function as a counselor. If you feel you are suffering from a mental disorder, please contact a therapist as soon as possible.

For many, the level of anxiety isn’t a full-blown attack. It’s something that keeps us wondering what’s next.

A Story of Anxiety and Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

To illustrate, let me share a personal story from our recent move to Texas. We moved from a fully remodeled home to one that was mostly in original form. It needed work. Since we bought it right, we had some money to remodel the areas that we felt were most important.

Of course, any construction job is never on time or on budget. Unexpected issues arose that took more time and money to address.

On top of that, we discovered that the windows were defective and when it froze, the interior metal did too, and it left a pool of water on the windowsills – many of which were severely damaged and hadn’t been called out by the inspector.

Waiting for that Shoe to Drop

The home had foundation work done in the past and it was discovered that a kitchen cabinet was barely attached and could have fallen. Fortunately, it was discovered and corrected and is now securely in place.

Several other smaller issues arose, and my anxiety level was building. What’s next? I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it did. We called a plumber out to address what we thought would be a minor issue only to discover that we had a broken sewer pipe that would require tunneling under the house to repair – and at a significant cost.

Retiring to sleep at night, I would find myself wide awake and unable to find any rest. I worried about what else could go wrong. A full-blown anxious heart was within.

Responding to My Anxious Heart

It was time to go back to what I knew and that was prayer. Laying it all out before God, I poured out my anxiety and fears. Also, I keep a journal of a brief therapy session I had with a woman who brought much light to this subject as I healed from past estranged relationships.

This therapist explained that the voices in my head that kept me awake during estrangement, originated from past trauma. Having those conversations in my head and playing “what if”. Assuming the worst case scenario.  Read my story at www.beckykolb.com/meet-becky and you’ll get a glimpse of what it entails.

She shared that what I was dealing with at the time was a protective voice that tried to keep me safe from future harm – things that could go wrong in the future. Furthermore, she shared that I no longer needed that protection because now I have Jesus as my protector.

Through a few sessions she helped me release the protective voice and allow Jesus to assume the role as my protector. And it was a great time of internal healing for me.

Here’s What I Learned About Anxiety

I reflected on that session with her and the steps she took me to.

As I chose to focus on the present, I was grateful that we had the funds currently to do the projects that needed attention. Certain that God led us to Texas, I was happy that my family was now close by. I felt anxious by things I couldn’t control and so I gave those to God and asked him to help me trust him with it.

Finally, I chose to focus on those things that make me feel alive – walking, podcasting, cooking, and meeting new neighbors.

Anxiety and Estrangement

When you consider anxiety and your estranged loved ones, you may hear those voices playing in your head wondering if you’ll ever connect again. Waffling between what was said and what might have been done differently.

Holidays can amp up the anxiety as you wonder where they are and what they’re doing. Are they safe and happy? Wishing you could just hear their voice and know they are okay.

The same principles apply as did when I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The reality is that we feel we can control certain things when we can’t. We cannot even control our own emotions. Because they trigger us at the most inopportune times and can make us cry like babies at the drop of a hat.

I love a passage from an Old Testament book called Habakkuk. In it, the prophet says

“Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes,
even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food,
even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle—even then,
I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.The Lord Almighty is my strength.”

Even If

I love those two words. Even if. For me, I prayed. Even if more issues arise in this house, which requires unexpected expenses. Even if I feel anxious and cannot sleep. Even if I do not understand why this is happening, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God – the God who saves me.

And do you know what, I was able to go back to bed and sleep well.

My husband has a favorite saying from a Toby Keith song called “Don’t let the old man in.” As he ages, he has resolved that he won’t let the old man in. He will continue to have faith and trust in the Lord and what he allows to occur.

Are You Allowing Anxiety to Get the Best of You?

Scripture tells us to be anxious for nothing, but that’s not easy, is it? Give yourself some grace and practice these three steps. See if God doesn’t come alongside and ease your anxious thoughts.

And if anxiety worsens or you feel you need more help, reach out to a licensed therapist who is trained to collaborate with people who need more focused help.

This next week I’ll start a series of podcasts on the 7-Step Wholesome Approach I use in coaching women with estrangement. Subscribe so you don’t miss an episode.

And if you subscribe on my website to receive my free guide to finding peace amid estrangement, you’ll receive a notification when a new podcast drops. Just go to www.beckykolb.com/guide

Until next time, surrender your anxious heart to God, find the joy in today and do more of what excites and motivates you.

TOPIC: Podcast