Grit and Grace are two key components when you find yourself navigating an estranged relationship. Often these two attributes come later in the estrangement when you’ve suffered through many negative emotions.
What if you could learn the biblical principles of grit and grace early on and shorten the cycle of emotional pain? Would you be willing to sit with God and allow him to change your perspective?
Grit is the constant irritation that creates friction in the relationship. Grace comes along side and softens the painful open wound that begins the process of healing.
Join me today as I talk about the grit and grace of estranged relationships.
The Story of the Pearl
Grit and grace are described beautifully in the formation of a beautiful pearl. My husband gave me a pearl necklace one year and it is one of my favorite gifts.
Another dear friend recently made a pearl bracelet when I relocated to Texas. The bracelet contains 14 pearls – one representing each of our grandchildren. Needless to say, the pearl has become a symbol for me. Are you familiar with the story of how a pearl is formed?
Beginning with the oyster, an irritant intrusively enters the shell. A grain of sand, or a parasite enters through a slight opening and there it begins. As the oyster begins to cover the irritating grit with its soft tissue, it softens, creating less pain.
The oyster continues to cover this grit with calcium carbonate and conchiolin creating layer upon layer over a period of two to four years as it forms a pearl.
Grit is the Irritant in an Estranged Relationship
Can you see the correlation between your estranged loved one and the grit that has entered the oyster? Now, I don’t know how all of this happens under sea, but I can imagine that the oyster didn’t want the grit to enter.
Conversely, the oyster made an unknown opening never considering the possibility of an unwanted intrusion.
Either way, grit has entered your relationship and is now creating a rub against your life. Abandonment, rejection, feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame and all the negative emotions that irritate your soul.
You want to spit out the grit, but that’s not possible. The shell has closed and you are left to deal with the irritation.
It doesn’t really matter how the grit entered your life. You caused it or have no idea how it occurred. It’s there. And you aren’t happy about it and really don’t want to deal with it. You just want it to either go away or stop causing pain.
I’ve been there. And just like the pearl isn’t formed overnight, neither will your relationship heal quickly. Once someone has chosen to walk away, it takes time and unfortunately many never reconcile. Those that have chosen to enter the long arduous process and engage in the softening process. That’s called grace.
Don’t Allow Pride to Shut out Grace
Pride is often a deterrent in the beginning of layering the irritant in estrangement. After all, who wants to extend grace to someone who has rejected you? Who may have falsely accused you of something? Who continues to judge you?
Consider the beautiful pearl – once an irritant and now a beautiful stone. If the pearl had rejected the grit, it would have remained in the oyster creating pain until the oyster died or somehow was forcibly opened and expelled.
My friend, you can allow the grit to remain in you for as long as you choose. Resentment, anger and bitterness will continue, and it will harden you. Guilt will keep you hardened prohibiting the soft layer from softening your heart.
Unforgiveness locks you in with the irritant with nowhere to go. Constant rubbing of the grit against your heart may cause unmitigated and irreversible damage.
You have control here. True, you may not have had any control over the grit entering your life. It was unwanted and you want it to go away, but it’s there.
Layering of Grit and Grace
Consider the oyster again. Grit has entered the shell causing irritation. A defense mechanism kicks in as the oyster begins layering its soft tissue around the grit. Soon, the pain is lessened as sharp edges are covered.
Imagine a small grain entering an oyster. How can a tiny grain cause so much irritation? The layering begins covering the miniscule substance. Moreover, it continues to do so for two to four years. Can you see the pearl forming as layer after layer of grace covers the hardened unwanted grit?
How To Layer Grace in an Estranged Relationship
To the pearl, layering is a biological response to the irritant. To you and me, it is unnatural to offer grace to someone who has hurt us. Someone who has abandoned and rejected us doesn’t deserve grace. That’s a natural human response. But one that doesn’t produce a pearl.
As one who harbored resentment and bitterness, I can attest to the fact that that grit of unwanted rejection will never go away, unless you begin to layer it with grace. Here are some steps that will help you move toward layering in your relationship.
- Consider a distinct perspective. Ask God to allow you to see the estranged loved one from his perspective. That enabled me to discover things going on in their life that I either didn’t know or had locked away. This perspective can help soften your heart toward the grit.
- Own your part. Rarely is estrangement solely the fault of one person. You may or may not know what you’ve done but ask God to show you from his perspective. Participating in a spiritual gifts inventory once showed me that my strengths could also be a weakness.
- For example, the gift of leadership could also create a tendency to become bossy or critical. When you consider your part in the conflict, ask God to show you areas he may need to come alongside you layering you with his grace.
- Forgive. Sometimes it isn’t possible to do this one on one with the estranged person. But work through the process with God. It’s essential before you can begin to layer the grit and grace. Listen to my podcast on the process of forgiveness at www.beckykolb.com/33
- Reflect on the grace that God has extended to you. Scripture says to forgive as you have been forgiven and to love as you’ve been loved. When you think about how God has forgiven and loved you, how can you not obey that command? I ask the question because it’s one I struggled with. We don’t feel they deserve love and forgiveness, but did you and me? It permeates your heart.
Grit and Grace are the attributes that work in your heart when you are estranged from a loved one. And you have no control over the reconciliation of that relationship. But you do have control over your heart and the grace you offer.
What if they are unapproachable and you can’t offer tangible grace to them?
Grace Begins in Your Heart
Layering grace in an estranged relationship begins in your heart. Work through each of the steps I mentioned. As you consider an unfamiliar perspective, your heart begins to soften.
Moreover, you own your part. Confess it to God. He will forgive you and you can forgive yourself ending any guilt or shame. More soft tissue forming in your heart.
When you aren’t clear on your part, ask God to show you areas in your character or personality that may be an irritant to others. Ask him to help soften and correct those things so that you offer more grace to those around you.
Forgiveness is the best thing you can do to set your heart free and get into a place where you can begin to layer grace around those that have hurt you. It may take time. Remember the oyster took two to four years to layer to grit.
Finally, reflect on God’s forgiveness to you. Someone told me once that they could understand why I needed God so much in my life. Because I had sinned with my divorce and all that surrounded that. This person hadn’t experienced that and therefore didn’t feel the need for God so much. I laugh about that now, though it hurt at the time.
Scripture says all have sinned and fallen short of God’s standard of perfection. No one can say they haven’t sinned. Furthermore, scripture doesn’t classify one sin as greater than any other. Except for blasphemy. Take some time and reflect on sin in your life. And give him praise for the forgiveness he layered upon you in his grace.
Grit and Grace – the Layering of a Beautiful Relationship
What irritant has entered the shell of your life?
Are you seeking relief from the constant rubbing against you?
Will you consider layering grace around it – one layer at a time?
You have complete control over how you respond to hurtful words and actions of others. You can remain hardened and angry.
Or you can begin today to layer a bit of grace around that relationship. Even if it’s just between you and God for now. It may feel unnatural but keep layering.
Take the steps I’ve offered and work through those every day. One step may take weeks. Don’t rush. Remember the two to four years and give yourself grace as you work through this.
Working through your own painful issues may become evident. It’s hard to extend grace to others when you haven’t given it to yourself. As a child of God, he’s covered you with his grace. Accept it and begin to layer your loved one. He will give you the strength and make the unnatural seem natural.
And remember, I am here for you if you feel the need for a little coaching to get you started.
Reach out to me at www.beckykolb.com/contact and mention Grit and Grace. I’m offering a free coaching session to the first two that respond. Until next time, I pray for God’s grace to cover you and your estranged loved one.