Learning to be vulnerable is daunting in the best of circumstances. But when you have estranged relationships, it can be downright paralyzing.
Vulnerability is akin to giving someone access to your innermost thoughts and emotions. And for good reasons, it isn’t wise to give everyone that privilege. Wisdom and discernment are critical.
Timing is also a key component. You must be ready emotionally when you are ready to open yourself to someone because you don’t know how they might respond to you. Vulnerability is for you. When you’ve fully prepared to step out of your comfort zone with your heart and soul, it can be incredibly freeing.
And it can also open new wounds if you aren’t. So, today we’ll look at learning to be vulnerable with respect to estrangement. And I’ll share some of my own strategies – what worked as well as what didn’t. Ready? Let’s go.
Secrets
Estrangement creates feeling of isolation, guilt, and shame. You might also feel judged or that you don’t measure up. Your confidence has disappeared. Consequently, the thought of learning to be vulnerable scares the daylights out of you.
Did you grow up as I did in an era where families didn’t communicate well? Secrets were kept because people just didn’t talk about personal things.
Recently my husband and I took a trip to Italy and learned a new phrase. It was non si fa and it meant bad manners or it’s wrong. That reminded me of the time my parents and grandparents were young. There were things non si fa – you just didn’t talk about them because it was well just something you didn’t do.
Well, we’ve come a long way baby and fortunately, people tend to communicate more freely today. Even so, you are rightfully afraid and have consternation about vulnerability especially when your emotions are raw.
The lesson here for us is that secrets are typically not a good thing. Let me ask this.
What secrets are you keeping?
How does it make you feel?
What would you like to share with someone but are afraid of?
Is Learning to be Vulnerable a Good Idea?
Why might learning to be vulnerable be a good thing? Well, think of the question I just asked and your answer. There is a time to talk about your emotions and a time to be silent. That’s even in scripture in the book of Ecclesiastes.
Likewise, there is a way to communicate when you are being vulnerable. Consequently, if you aren’t discerning the timing and method, you may be opening yourself up for more wounds. Estrangement tends to influence your thinking as you will see from my story.
A Personal Story on Vulnerability that Worked
A personal example I will share with you is a problem I had with alcohol. I drank to numb the pain from estranged relationships. Now, I didn’t know that at the time. I knew that my consumption was more than it needed to be.
And I knew that I needed to cut back significantly but I wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone, let alone myself. As soon as the thought would enter my mind, I would rationalize and stuff it. Until enough was enough.
The alcohol agent that I turned to hoping it would numb my emotions was causing health issues and I knew I had to do something. When I told my husband I thought he might encourage me to moderate, but he didn’t.
He reaffirmed the notion that I should give it up. He was supportive and encouraging and it made opening up to him and others close to me much easier. When I shared the decision with my mother, sisters, and close friends, they were incredibly supportive. It felt good.
That’s an example of how learning to be vulnerable can be a good decision. My thinking that people would judge me because of estranged relationships and drinking just wasn’t accurate at all.
How to Prepare for Vulnerability
Why had I feared learning to be vulnerable? Firstly, it was difficult to admit that I had a problem with alcohol. If I couldn’t control the amount I drank, could I control anything? This ate at my self-confidence. Was I really lacking self-discipline?
Secondly, I fear what people might think. Ah ha – I knew she had a problem with alcohol. It’s about time she figured it out. But that was a lie that held me back as I discovered that wasn’t what my close friends and family thought at all. Quite the opposite.
And then there was the blaming part of the equation. Well, it’s not my fault I drank too much. I could rationalize things in my life that caused emotional grief, and it was easy to blame those people and circumstances rather than my own choices. In the end, I had to take responsibility for my choices and actions. And stop blaming others.
Therefore, learning to be vulnerable meant turning my focus inward and looking at my own life. That is hard to do as you know from your own experiences.
As I sat with my Bible, my journal, and my thoughts I began to pray and ask God to show me areas of my life I had ignored. Without alcohol to numb the pain, I came face to face with issues I had avoided. God showed me my pain, where it came from and what he wanted me to do about it.
As I made notes in many journals, I began to heal from those experiences and take responsibility for my life. Self confidence grew and my desire for alcohol went out the window. I began to learn who I could trust. Blame fled like a bandit as did shame. And I began to speak to myself lovingly as God did.
What Vulnerability Isn’t
You are aware that estrangement can influence your thinking and it’s not always positive. Learning to be vulnerable isn’t an opportunity to get back at someone for their words or actions against you. Oh, believe me, you’ll want to, and it will be tempting.
Unless you desire more pain and negative emotions, you’ll want to learn this lesson. When I first began podcasting and coaching on estranged relationships, the painful emotions would at times come roaring back. You see, sharing my experiences and vulnerability evoked memories that I thought were gone.
The fact is that estrangement isn’t just a one-time separation from your kid or parent or someone else. It is that, but you’ll find in life that it happens with friends occasionally or a sibling or co-worker. The fact that you dealt with or are currently dealing with it doesn’t mean it’s gone for good.
My estrangement with my family post-divorce was healed and relationships are strong. But that wasn’t the end. Other family relationships have been strained, and I am certain it’s something we all face especially in these times we are living in.
As you are considering being more vulnerable with others, consider that it isn’t a forum to air your dirty laundry or target someone with your message.
Check your Motive
Estrangement messes with your motives. I got it. You are angry and you want revenge at times. But as a child of God, you know that isn’t what he wants. Learning to be vulnerable and share your story with others can be healing for you and for others.
God’s word says that we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have been given. So why is it that we want to bang someone over the head with our revenge when we’ve been wronged? It’s human nature and if we are on this earth we will battle the spiritual and human nature until we are in heaven.
How do you know if your motive is pure? Consider the scripture that tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven and love as we have been loved. Now, I’m talking about the forgiveness and love that God offers.
Name some things that God’s forgiven in you. You’ll start with bigger things because those are usually top of mind. But keep thinking and naming.
- Little white lies? Yes, that needs forgiveness.
- Gossip?
- Judging someone?
- Pride?
- Materialism?
- Trusting in yourself or someone other than God?
You see, the Bible says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. There is not one person who hasn’t sinned and needed forgiveness.
When you consider how much you’ve been forgiven, how can you not forgive someone who wronged you? Read the parable in Matthew 18:21-35 and you’ll find it sobering.
Are you withholding forgiveness to someone who wronged you?
Do you love that person as much as you know God has loved you?
What action should that provoke within your spirit?
I’m not trying to produce guilt in you. I’ve struggled with this many times. Truth be told, we all do. Working through this process will help you keep your motives pure as you learn to be vulnerable with others about your own story.
If you are estranged and trying to find answers, download my free guide on how to find peace amid estrangement. Go to www.beckykolb.com/download
Your Story of Estrangement and Vulnerability will be a Gift to Others
I’ve been told numerous times that my greatest podcasts and blogs are ones where I am vulnerable. Why? Because others relate. You learn that you aren’t the only one struggling with the issue. Estrangement hurts and it’s helpful to know others who are going through similar experiences.
And as Christian sisters, it’s comforting to find love and support with one another. I am considering starting a once per week zoom call that would last for one hour. The purpose would be to find support and comfort with others in similar situations. It would not be a place to air grievances.
Is this something you would have interest in? The cost would be minimal to cover expenses. If that sounds like something you might enjoy, would you shoot me an email at becky@nullbeckykolb.com and let me know?