Limiting core beliefs affects your mindset and your overall health. And these core beliefs in estrangement can keep you stuck and unable to get into a healthy place.
Think in terms of whether I can’t, I will never, or I should. When you are in an estranged relationship it’s easy to let your mind go to extremes. If you were talking with a friend, you might notice and assure and reframe their issues.
But it’s harder to do when you are the one feeling guilt, shame, or isolation. The negative self-talk reinforces the lies you believe. Today, we will explore some limiting core beliefs, and I’ll help you restructure and challenge them. Let’s get rolling!
Core Beliefs
What comes to mind when I use the term core beliefs? These are deeply engrained fundamental beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world around you. Worldview is another word that describes this.
Have you given thought to your core beliefs? What do you believe about yourself? Your family? Life in general?
It may surprise you to know that many can’t readily answer that question. Simply put, we don’t consciously think about it. Yet, when talking with women about estrangement, they often say they feel unworthy of love. They may feel they are bad parents, a bad child, or sibling. They often feel the estrangement is their fault.
Thinking in these terms isn’t healthy and if true at all, it’s only partial. You may have some faults in the broken relationship, but it’s not all your fault. And you are worthy of love and respect always – no matter what.
Here’s a challenge for you. Take a few minutes to just write down some core beliefs. How do you feel and think about yourself and your estranged relationship? Don’t be surprised if this evokes some emotions such as anger, sadness, or resentment.
Knowledge is power and once you admit your core beliefs, you can begin to challenge them and get to the truth.
Identifying Limiting Core Beliefs
Limiting core beliefs is deeply engrained negative beliefs about yourself, the world around you and others. Furthermore, they restrict your personal growth and potential.
Here are some examples of limiting core beliefs:
- I’m not good enough.
- I’ll never be able to.
- I’m too old or too young.
- I’m too set in my ways.
- I’m not smart enough.
- I’m unworthy of love.
Have you had any of these thoughts? I sure have. In the height of my estranged relationships, I felt like a failure and that I was unworthy of love. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and thought reconciliation would never occur.
And guess what that did to my core beliefs? If you said that it held me back, you are right. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, and I fed on the negativity leading to being held back from who I was created to be.
God doesn’t speak to us the way we often speak to ourselves. I once heard that if you hear accusation, negativity, worthless self-talk, it comes from Satan. If you hear an affirming, loving, merciful and compassionate voice, that’s God.
As you get to know God in a personal relationship, you’ll discover his character and how he speaks to you as his loving child.
Challenging the Negative Beliefs
Let’s say you are a parent estranged from your child. A limiting core belief may be that you think you are a bad parent. Let’s reframe that to this. Are you being a good parent by giving your child space? Honestly, I never thought that when I was estranged from my kids. The truth is they needed space to process things just as much as I did.
Another reframe is to challenge that bad parent thought. Did you make some mistakes in parenting? Well, we can all say we did. Does that make you a bad parent? Of course not. You simply made some bad decisions. But I’ll be you also made some good ones. Get out of that all or nothing mindset.
Another limiting belief is that if you aren’t talking to an estranged person, you don’t have a relationship. Reframe this to relationships are a connection in the heart. Just because you aren’t speaking to someone or vice versa doesn’t mean you don’t have a relationship with them.
Moreover, you love them and they love you. You are connected via the heart. You just aren’t talking right now, and you are holding space for them at a future date.
Do you see how challenging your beliefs and restructuring them is helpful?
Take Responsibility for Your Needs
Co-dependence is the result when you expect others to meet your needs. A core limiting belief parents often have is that their kids are there to meet their needs. Said another way, you feel your kids are responsible for making you happy.
This becomes known when I speak to women who are unable to see their grandkids for example. A dear friend has been estranged from her daughter for over 15 years and therefore, doesn’t see or know her grandkids.
A thought process might look like this.
I feel angry because I can’t see my grandkids. I feel a need to nurture and love them and that need is unmet. And you feel angry and resentful because your child is keeping that from you.
Reframing this would be to say, “I’m responsible for my needs and to create opportunities to meet them.” And to release your kid(s) from being responsible for meeting those needs.
You see your kids are responsible for meeting their needs and you’re responsible for meeting yours. When you can release them, you are setting down a heavy burden.
When you find yourself compromising your needs to make others happy and keep family together, you need to look at co-dependency.
Challenge yourself to find other ways to meet your needs and you’ll find yourself discovering peace and happiness.
Estrangement Causes You to Feel Abnormal
Countless times, I’ve heard women say they feel abnormal or that something is wrong with them because they don’t have a normal family relationship.
Let me ask. What is a normal family relationship?
Looking at social media, you may feel it’s getting together frequently with your kids and grandkids. Celebrating milestone birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Happy times that you don’t have. Friends, people post the best of their lives – not the challenging tough times.
With over 70 million people estranged, I can assure you that everyone you know is estranged from someone or knows someone who is.
Reframe the normal part of that equation. Every family is different. Eash has their own difficulties and dark secrets that often never become known. Because you are estranged from someone you love, it seems magnified. It is what it is. Accept that and don’t do anything else. Family trauma is more normal than you may realize.
God’s Love and Self-Love
The most important thing you can do to overcome limiting core beliefs is to spend time in your Bible and with God. Learn who he is and who he says you are. Embrace your identity in him.
- He loves you unconditionally.
- You can do nothing to earn his love. It’s a gift.
- He has redeemed your sin through the blood of Jesus.
- He calls you a friend.
- He says you are an heir to his throne.
- He promises to never leave nor forsake you.
That’s some amazing love in which you can bask. And if he loves you that much, you can love yourself. It isn’t selfish as you may think. Did you grow up believing that it was sinful or selfish to love yourself? That’s not true.
You expect others to love and respect you. Learn to do that with yourself. You are worthy of love and respect. God says so.
Practice Challenging Those Limiting Core Beliefs
At the beginning of the episode, I challenged you to write down your core beliefs. Now, I hope you’ll spend some time on those and your limiting ones as well.
And then begin to challenge and reframe them. Use God’s word to help you. Depending on where you are on your journey, you may benefit from therapy with a licensed counselor. Or you may just need some help stepping out of the cycle and putting your feet on the right path. That’s where I come in.
When I challenged my limiting core beliefs, my burden lightened, and my heart was free. I sensed deep peace. Certainly, they aren’t gone forever. Those thoughts creep in occasionally, but I’ve learned how to challenge them and reframe my situation so that I could move forward and reach my potential.
If you need help, reach out at www.beckykolb.com/contact I’m always here to listen and support in a non-judgmental manner