The top 3 causes of estrangement based on research studies help you understand not only why it happens but the impact on relationships.
Estrangement is something that many just don’t talk about. You may perceive it as a stigma as many do.
The concept of family evokes illusions of happy times, gathering for holidays and celebrations and giving and receiving support. And yet with 70 million people estranged in the western world, that perception just isn’t reality.
Today, we’ll explore the top 3 causes of estrangement so settle in and let’s dive into today’s episode.
Illusion of the Family Today
What comes to mind when you think of family? For many, it’s a happy time with love, support, laughs and making memories. For others, the very word conjures up sadness, grief, and loss.
Estrangement does that. Women I speak with tell me they have good memories growing up but somewhere along the way a sibling stopped speaking to them. Or a child cut off the relationship. It’s much more prevalent than you may realize.
You feel that family should be loving and supportive and if they aren’t you internalize that something’s wrong with you. That somehow you are a terrible person, and you feel isolated.
Can we begin today with the knowledge that families experience conflict, drama and are not always loving and supportive? You aren’t the only one going through this. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is hope that conflicts can be resolved and relationships can be restored.
Let’s look at the top 3 causes of estrangement.
Top 3 Causes of Estrangement
Divorce and Remarriage
This one hit home for me as it’s where my estranged relationships occurred. When you think about it there is leaving, starting again, blending, and merging and that’s no easy task.
Divorces are often messy, and families feel the need to take a side. Sometimes a family member will side with your ex-spouse and imagine the conflict that it creates!
And when children are involved, there are custody issues. If an addiction or abuse caused separation, there is another entire host of problems to deal with.
Blending families can be a nightmare of relationships. It’s no wonder this is one of the top causes of estrangement.
We’ll look at the impact of the estrangement a little later.
Abuse – Sexual, Physical and Emotional
People are often left to deal with abuse alone. The shame is isolating, and they are too embarrassed to talk about it.
If this happens in your life, you may wonder if an act was abusive. Doubt creeps in and you feel ashamed for having the thought. And worse yet is the family member who tells you that you are lying. That abuse never happened.
Family members don’t want to believe that someone close to them could abuse another. Children of sexual abuse are vulnerable and will be left reeling forever without help.
And you are left struggling with a healthy way forward.
Differing Culture, Values & Beliefs
Today’s world is vastly different than 20 years ago. In a brief time, we have become a more global society. And differing cultures and expectations create conflict in families. Some cultures are quite rigid and others liberal.
Spiritual beliefs and values clash and some women have told me that their families no longer speak to them because of their deeply held faith.
And then you have the LBGTQ community that creates division and conflict among family members.
And addictions whether it is drugs, alcohol, pornography, or something else. These issues wreak havoc and create family estrangement.
Do you find yourself in one of these top 3 causes of estrangement? Most of the women I coach relate to one or more of these. Families are divided and estrangement ensues. Emotional pain is the result as well as the greater impact upon you and your family.
Let’s explore some of the impact estrangement creates.
Impact Estrangement Causes
Families are looking for acceptance and support. Unfortunately, some families choose rejection of the person because they can’t accept a lifestyle, or choices made. And when the person that was cut off doesn’t get the support, they will seek it elsewhere.
Social Isolation
When you are cut off from your family or someone you love and care about, you feel abnormal. You don’t fit in, and it feels like everyone else has a normal loving family and you don’t. It’s hard to talk about because many just don’t want to hear about it. And you’re left to deal with it on your own.
Emotional Trauma
Emotional pain is debilitating as you have difficulty processing the estrangement. Many express shock, denial and then anger, sadness and resentment.
You expect family to be there for you. After all, isn’t that what families are supposed to do? So, why are you different? Why are you unworthy of their love and acceptance? Those are the feelings women express to me.
Elderly people are vulnerable. They have cared for their family for years and now that they are older and need support, it isn’t there. They may feel as if they have no outlet to express their emotions. Resentment builds.
Anger is a consistent emotion people feel when they are estranged or cut off. And there is a stigma around that word. You may even feel that it’s wrong to feel angry or that it is a bad emotion. That isn’t true. Anger is an emotion and its energy. It’s ok to feel it.
It’s not ok to act on the anger in an unhealthy way. But it is perfectly normal to feel and then process it.
Grief
Estrangement is a living loss. The person with whom you are estranged is alive but not with you. You live with the upheaval of not knowing the outcome of the relationship.
You hope for reconciliation, but it may or may not occur. Social media can be traumatic as you see their presence but have no relationship or sharing of their life.
Other relationships may also be lost. When an adult child has removed you from their life, you may also be denied seeing or knowing your grandkids. And it could go deeper to nieces, nephews, and others. As a grandparent you may want to provide love and support, but you are denied and that’s hurtful.
Think back to COVID when families pulled together and provided support. In estrangement, you’re left out. A loss of empathy and support from family creates so much anxiety and resentment.
These folks tell me they have hope of healing and reconciliation, but they see no improvement and realize that their life is in the last quarter of the game. Confusion and sadness are consistent emotions.
Positives to Estrangement
With these top 3 causes of estrangement and the impact they have on one’s life, you may wonder how anything positive could be. However, the freedom of being away from conflict and drama can be positive.
Options can become clearer as you are given time to recognize them without interference or judgment.
And while estrangement is painful and feels shameful, the absence of the drama that led to the conflict can have a positive impact on your mental well-being.
How to Deal with these Top 3 Causes of Estrangement
I don’t know where you are in the estrangement. If you are still struggling with trauma from abuse, a licensed therapist may be your answer. Before you can move forward, you must deal with past trauma.
During my estrangement, I spent time with a therapist who helped me see things I couldn’t see. But the lingering estranged relationships brought triggers and sometimes I was stuck. That’s where a coach was helpful for me.
A trained coach can help you find healthy ways to move forward. My approach is biblically based and focuses on your identity in Christ. Once you see yourself as God sees you, your mind shift will change and that’s a huge step in the right direction.
My background in estrangement following my divorce and remarriage has taught me how to deal with triggers in a healthy manner. Imagine responding to triggers with calmness rather than in anger.
And I help women with the process of forgiveness which is not an easy one. But it’s essential for your peace of mind.
You can read my story of estrangement at www.beckykolb.com/meet-becky and it may give you some hope and direction.
And if you are interested in seeing if coaching is a right fit for you in your estrangement, simply go to www.beckykolb.com/work-with-becky
Estrangement is an emotionally painful experience. Stigma is certainly a factor. You may feel you need a non-judgmental listening ear that can help you see what you can’t and work with you to create a positive way forward. I would love to hear from you.
Finally, if you are getting benefit from these podcasts, please share it with others. That would help me, and I would be most appreciative.