Estrangement often follows a plethora of misunderstandings and judgments, and I’ll bet you’ve been on one end of the spectrum in a relationship.

As I began to think about this episode, I pondered a conversation I had with a woman recently. She wasn’t sure how her family situation had deteriorated to the point it had, but as she shared her story, it became evident that misunderstandings were notably at issue.

And with those came judgment and then a wedge developed so widely that she doubted the relationships could ever be repaired and restored. Does that ring true with you?

Today I’ll share some examples of this and strategies that you can employ to maintain your own peace of mind.

Find the full transcript for this episode plus resources for women at Estrangement: Turning Pain into Peace at beckykolb.com/30.

How Misunderstandings Occur

As you are in the heat of the moment with a difficult relationship, it’s hard to see beyond anger. Consider the last conversation you had that didn’t end well. Could you explain to someone the heart of the issue? Or were you so caught up in the emotion that you lost sight of the real problem?

It’s easy to become angry and defensive. That’s natural. But it also closes the door so that you can’t hear the other person. And they can’t hear you. Shouting and angry words dominate. Conversation may have initiated under calmness and a sincere desire to resolve an issue. Emotions caused it to end badly.

And you know that it doesn’t take long to slide down the slippery slope when triggered, accused and angry.

As this woman shared her story, a central issue was determined. It’s how the parties responded that they created a years’ long estrangement for her.

Reframe the Misunderstandings

In family estrangement, often both parties know the skinny on the other person. They know their past failures and successes and most importantly what triggers them. But when you grow up and move away to college, jobs or marriage, those relationships change.

Worldviews develop, politics and religion may change, and you become your own person. In healthy families, everyone grows and adapts to new evolving relationships. Conflicts arise but they are handled well.

Conversely, unhealthy habits may change a person in such a way that affects the family in a negative manner. I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly seen ugly and damning behavior toward family members who have differing political viewpoints.

Estrangement in other relationships could involve in-laws, extended family, or close friends. Ponder this question. How well do you really know the person with whom you are estranged? Before you respond, think of the lifespan of the relationship. How well do you know them through all of life’s stages?

Reframing the relationship will prove to be helpful to you.

An Illustration of Misunderstandings and Judgement

I’ll illustrate my point. When I went through my divorce, I lived in that town for less than five years. People knew me and I knew them, but only for the time I resided there. Those friends didn’t know my life prior to that move, and I didn’t know theirs.

And yet judgment came from all directions based on the five years I had known them. They didn’t know my past relationship issues or anything about me other than the brief time we lived in the same town.

People judge others due to misunderstandings all the time. It’s easier to judge and join the cause of condemning someone rather than attempting to understand them. I made plenty of mistakes throughout my divorce, but there is one judge and that’s God.

Because of the nature of the divorce, I was condemned and was 100% to blame in their eyes. By people who barely knew me. Stories from people who lived far away and didn’t know me at all were surfacing and it was gossip from local people telling others their perspective which in most cases was far from the truth.

If this has happened to you, then you know the emotional pain of being judged by someone with no authority to judge you and for things that they assume but don’t know to be true.

Dealing with Judgement from Others

As you might imagine, I felt guilt and shame of what was happening in my life. What hurt the most was the emotional pain inflicted on me by others I barely knew. A long expanse ensued and during that time God opened my heart to him in new ways.

I discovered his love, mercy, forgiveness, and compassion. Rather than judging me, he stood with arms wide open ready to welcome back to him. He didn’t let me off the hook though. I still had issues to deal with, but he helped me through them.

Are you feeling someone’s judgment? Romans 8 says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I learned to slough off the judgement of those who condemned me and accept that Jesus had me in his secure arms.

Reframing this scenario was helpful to me. At the time, I carried the weight of the judgment. As I healed and grew in my faith it was easy to transfer the weight of all the judgement to God who took it to the cross. I was able to see the truth in the situation but only after I had walked through a dark time in my life.

Reframing your Misunderstandings and Judgments

Truthfully, as I contemplated this entire situation over time, I realized that I too had judged others unfairly. God brought that back to my mind, and I made amends with them. Failing to reframe the issue, I unfairly arrived at conclusions that weren’t accurate.

Consider your estrangement. Have you thought about what led them to their current posture in the relationship? What is their background? Do you know if there is abandonment, rejection, a negative self-image?

Reframing the conflict will give you compassion for the other person, and it will clear up space in your head that you’ve been using to manage the conflict.

You may not know for certain what led to this place in your life, but I’ll bet you have some ideas you can explore. I’m not suggesting that you let them off the hook for hurtful things they have done or said. A refreshment in your thinking is something that will help you manage your conflict and emotional pain. Peace will follow.

Mercy and Compassion Help in Estranged Relationships

My estrangement with family healed. Time and personal growth in each of us contributed along with an honest assessment of what happened.

Back to the story with this woman I mentioned earlier, she was at a point in her life where she truly didn’t understand how the relationships had deteriorated. Sometimes that is the case, especially in relationships where you aren’t engaged consistently.

You may be the same person you always were – older and a little wiser hopefully. But they may have changed. Life experiences of which you aren’t aware. Painful experiences they’ve endured. What if they were judged unfairly like you were?

Everyone has a story and what we normally see is a condensed version. College brings its own set of unique challenges as do marriage and children. A marriage partner influences your adult children, and they may have differing values now.

Aging parents face their own challenges too and may experience isolation and loneliness that lead to misunderstandings. You may feel they are aloof and uninterested when they may be coping to just get out of bed and face the day.

Whatever the issues, there is no room for disrespect, lies, name calling or false accusations. If that is how they choose to deal with you, then you need to make some decisions for your own peace of mind.

Use Terms of Engagement for Solving Conflict

In business, there is a term called rules (or terms) of engagement. It means determining ahead of time the conditions, rules and guidelines that govern a relationship or agreement.

And since you can’t control the other person, this is something you will need to create. It should be fair and respectful to everyone involved in discussing the situation.

For example, you may be easily triggered when someone makes a false statement about you or constantly talks over you in a conversation. Figure out those obstacles ahead of time as best you can.

My Terms of Engagement

When there is conflict or estrangement and both parties are willing to have a conversation, these terms become a make-or-break outcome. It’s helpful if you can get buy in from the other party.

Simply let them know that you desire a respectful and productive conversation and express your desired outcome which may be to build a foundation on which to have further healing conversations. And ask them what their desired outcome is. You want to include them in the process.

My core values are what I try to use in these terms of engagement.

Now, do I always do this? No – I am human just like you. But it is my guide. You can establish your own for your conversations. Write your own set of core values and consider how you might handle conflictive relationships.

Conversation with the Estranged

Assuming you can have a productive conversation and make progress, I would say you are on track for reconciliation. It may take a few more conversations, but as long as you remain open, listen, show respect and work toward the desired outcome, it’s a step in the right direction.

Too often, the conversation ends with disrespect, defensiveness, and disappointment. One or both left the conversation angrier than when they began. The judgment begins and the estrangement chasm widens.

And the breakdown may have started with you. When I am triggered, I don’t always make good decisions. Too often, I let loose and speak my mind – something on which I hadn’t intended. Or the other person may start with accusations and unfounded judgements.

Either way, it’s best to end this conversation as quickly as possible. Simply state that you’ve veered off track and it’s best to end this conversation and schedule another when cooler heads prevail.

In the case of the woman sharing her story with me, the other person accused her of thinking she was superior to anyone else in the family. They questioned her terms of engagement as stuffy and arrogant. And all she wanted to do was have a productive conversation that wouldn’t end in disaster.

You know your triggers and you know those of the other person too.

Avoid using language that will purposefully trigger them.

Be prepared to respond internally to your own triggers.

Avoid judging and ask for clarification when needed.

Don’t allow disrespectful conversation.

This will take some preparation time to consider how you might be triggered and what response you might make. Stick to your guns and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a situation you’ll later regret.

Are you Guilty of Misunderstandings and Judgement?

You know we always think we’re right. You replay the conversation in your mind and feel that you laid out a good plan, kept calm, listened, and didn’t give into triggers. The conversation still spiraled out of control. Do you blame them?

Is it possible that you misunderstood something they tried to convey?

Could they lack the skill set or maturity to express their concerns in a healthy manner?

If you know them well, did you mention issues unrelated to the current situation?

Was your tone conciliatory?

Did you show respect?

How did you end the conversation?

We see the faults and misgivings in another person so much better than we see our own. You don’t like to be judged and neither do they. Analyze what you might do better in a future conversation.

You may have done everything well and they still misunderstood or failed to respect you or your feelings. That’s one of the saddest and most disappointing elements of an estranged relationship.

How to Move Forward with Estrangement

My client decided that her priority was her immediate family. She had been unable to move the needle toward reconciliation and conversations usually ended in conflict. As women, we often feel guilty about leaving the relationship behind and moving on with life.

Encouragement I want you to hear is that you are not 100% to blame in the estrangement nor are you the sole one to rectify any misunderstandings and judgement.

She decided to have one last communication to share her love for this person and her sorrow that they had not been fruitful in reconciliation efforts. She told the person that the door was always open for respectful conversation and that reconciliation was still her desire. However, despite numerous attempts, it wasn’t happening, and it was time for her to move on with her life.

That act gave her the freedom she needed to let go without guilt. She had done all she could. The rest was up to the other person.

As you contemplate the relationship with this person, consider whether you want a relationship going forward. That may sound harsh, but sometimes when issues continue to arise without any resolution, it may be worthwhile having a cordial relationship when you must be with them but avoid any personal interaction. That’s a decision only you can make.

Letting Go and Moving On isn’t Always Permanent

Time is a great healer and often it takes that for an estranged person to realize that they miss the other person. They may see their actions and behavior in a unique way as time marches on. You’ve left the door open and now it’s time to move ahead with your life and enjoy your family.

Resist any attempts where they may try to pull you into an argument. You’ve let it go. You told them how you would accept a future relationship. You’ll know when the conversation is authentic and sincere, and they are ready to speak again in a respectful manner.

For many, this is a lifelong battle, and I know many women who have yet to reconcile estranged relationships. Misunderstandings and judgment continue, and the wedge widens. It hurts deeply.

If you’re struggling to let find yourself caught amid judgements or those who misunderstand you, I’ve created a workbook to help you. It’s called How to Pursue Peace Amid Estrangement, and you can download it at www.beckykolb.com/guide

Are you seeking healthy ways to deal with estrangement within your family? Have you tried everything and nothing works? Do you long for peace but it seems elusive? Then this workbook is for you.

I think you will find it helpful as you work through estrangement, misunderstandings, and judgement.

Until next time – Pursue peace by reframing your thoughts.

TOPIC: Podcast