Estrangement healing is something that every woman I speak with desires more than anything. And yet, it seems so elusive.

I understand those thoughts because I’ve had them too. And my friend, I want to encourage you today with 3 hard truths that will open the flood gates to lasting healing from your pain.

Find the full transcript for this episode plus resources for women at Estrangement: Turning Pain into Peace at beckykolb.com/3.

Estrangement Healing Begins with You

Now that may sound harsh but stick with me. When you think about it, what can you control?

You see, we think we can control outcomes, but the only one you can control is you. It’s a hard reality but when you accept that fact, you’ll discover the first step in estrangement healing.

Now, let me tell you that the three strategies we’ll discuss today are a process. I wish it were as easy as one two three. You’ve already done a lot of hard work and kudos to you for investing in yourself.

Emotional pain from estrangement runs deep. Many emotions such as guilt, shame, blame and many others contribute to the chaos and confusion you feel.

So, I encourage you to embrace this process, and you’ll discover the estrangement healing that you desire.

Strategy 1: Own Your Part in the Estrangement

Now, I’m speaking to women who have had a part in an estranged relationship. I am not speaking to those who have no part such as in the case of abuse.

Estrangement occurs for a variety of reasons.

These are just a few examples from women I’ve worked with. You may find yourself in one of those. And you may not even know why the estrangement began.

All you know is that a person you loved and cared about no longer wants you in their life. And that hurts deeply. In fact, you may feel that it is a deeper pain than anything physical you’ve experienced.

The first strategy that you can do is to own your part in the conflict. You may know of an attitude or something you did to contribute to the estrangement. Even if you didn’t want estrangement.

This will involve some deep thinking and an open mind. Your tendency to blame the other is natural and one I played for a long time. The truth is that it takes two people to have a relationship.

Somewhere along the way, something triggered the other to walk away from the relationship with you. For me it was divorce and all that surrounded that decision.

And today, almost 30 years later, I still have estrangement from an adult child. I’ve been able to set the blame aside and really analyze how my decisions affected others.

If you’ve done that and taken responsibility for your part, then pat yourself on the back. That’s a big step in your estrangement healing.

And if not, then I encourage you to invest in your emotional well-being and take some time to explore your part so that you can take responsibility. And that will also stop the blaming which prevents your healing.

Strategy 2: Forgive Yourself

Once you’ve accepted and taken responsibility for your part in the estrangement, you can begin to work on strategy 2. Learn to forgive yourself.

The hardest part of this process is that the person with whom you are estranged may not forgive you. Hear me on this. That is on them – not you!

They may be unable to forgive because it will cause them to confront their own feelings and fears. It’s easier to blame others or remain unforgiving than it is to work on yourself.

When you’ve taken responsibility and apologized for your part in an estranged relationship, you’ve done all you can do. It’s up to the other person to forgive. You have no control.

And remember, they are dealing with their own set of issues, some of which you may know nothing about. So, give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself and let it go

Strategy 3: Forgiving Others is Essential

Earlier I said it’s easier to hold on to blame and remain unforgiving than to deal with your own issues. I found that to be true in my situation. And if you want peace and healing from estrangement, this strategy is paramount.

Oh, the inner voices that work to keep you from forgiving. Some of these sounds familiar?

I know those voices as I heard them one hundred times. As you learn to forgive yourself, you’ll find a more compassionate you. You’ll begin to realize that you’re not perfect. No one is.

And once you take responsibility for your decisions and acknowledge the pain you caused in the relationship, you’ll discover an internal peace. A spirit that allows others to make mistakes too.

Forgiving your offender isn’t letting them off the hook. It’s releasing your right to revenge. It’s laying down your anger and bitterness giving you space to begin to fully heal. It’s a gift you give yourself.

Forgiveness is the fundamental key to estrangement healing. Without it, you’ll continue to suffer through anger, bitterness, blame, shame, guilt, and a host of emotions that will keep you stuck.

Forgiveness is a choice that you’ll make every day. It’s a lifelong process and I can tell you from experience, you won’t feel like you’ve forgiven them right away.

But if you are committed to your emotional healing and make the choice daily to forgive, you’ll find it is easier each day. And eventually, you’ll discover those negative and hurtful emotions are gone.

Isn’t it worthwhile to consider giving this gift to yourself?

Are You Ready for Estrangement Healing?

I know how difficult it can be. I also know the rewards of making the commitment to these three strategies.

Taking responsibility, forgiving yourself and forgiving others is the proven method to let go of the painful emotions of estrangement and find lasting healing and peace.

You’re worth it. I hope you’ll consider these strategies and finally be able to let go and experience the wonderful healing they will bring.

Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman!

TOPIC: Podcast