False accusations often arise in estranged relationships and may be the origin of the estrangement. Unless you are equipped with a mind shift to navigate these hurtful times, it is unlikely that the relationship will improve.

A strong back bone and thick skin along with a sincere desire to manage the conflict in a godly way are needed to push through the emotional pain and frustration.

Are you weary of trying to make things work? Do you feel like a water hose constantly putting out fires that others start? You’re ready to admit defeat because it just isn’t working. This podcast is for you. We’ll talk about misunderstandings, outright false accusations and what you can do about it. Get comfortable as we dive in.

False Accusations May Be Misunderstanding

I’ve discovered that often what I perceived as a false accusation was simply a misunderstanding. Left without clarification, it can produce a chasm in the relationship that may never be bridged.

Moreover, you may begin to see things that aren’t there as you imagine the intent behind what was said or done. Soon, you are on a downward spiral on an issue that could’ve been easily resolved.

Those situations are best overseen by simply asking questions to clarify. It might go like this.

You said thus and such. What I heard was this. Is that what you intended? You aren’t accusing anyone. You’re simply asking for clarification and stating how you interpreted. And you may hear the other person say they are sorry and never intended their words in that manner. Problem solved and you move on.

It’s when the response is an attack and you learn that they not only intended to offend you, but it was also the start of conflict.

When It’s Not a Misunderstanding

Undeniably there will be relationships where false accusations are made against you with the intent of hurting you. I’ve been on the wrong side of that one and I know the deep pain you feel. Someone you love – a child or another family member – makes false accusations about you to others.

Especially damaging is when that person accuses you of harming them in some way as in an adult child saying that you did something to them or said something when you didn’t. Or they blame you for something you didn’t do and tell everyone they know about it. Others believe them.

Numerous are the accusations that I hear from women who are heart broken over a loved one intentionally spreading false rumors intended to hurt them. Moreover, they will spread these falsehoods to other family members or friends of yours with the intent of destroying your relationship with them.

Why would they do something like this? And what can you do about it? That leads us to the next discussion of the why behind the false accusations. I am hopeful that it will give you a new perspective to deal with this trauma.

Answers to the Why Question

Let’s take a hard look at your situation. Who is the person spreading rumors? What’s the story behind it as you understand? Have you had a conversation with them about it and how did it go?

Certainly, a conversation is warranted to try to understand their reasoning behind these accusations. Could it be a misunderstanding? Do you need to apologize for anything? Do all that you can to understand and if an apology is needed, then offer it.

But there are times when the person refuses to have a conversation. They know that they’ve lied, and they aren’t about to have a face-to-face conversation with you. You’re understandably angry and upset.

How to Manage Willful Inflicted Pain

Understanding the root of the offender’s desire to inflict pain upon you will help you not only endure the situation but move toward forgiveness and loving them. Now, I understand that it may not be your desire. It’s difficult and humanly unnatural to love and forgive someone who intentionally harms you.

The other side of that coin is that you’ll stay in an upheaval, allowing it to consume your thoughts and affect your life negatively. You will not find peace without love and forgiveness and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

Have you considered that lies, gossip, and betrayal are more about their unresolved issues than against you personally? It’s a mind shift that is worth considering. You’ve heard the phrase hurting people hurt people?

When someone has unresolved issues of abandonment, rejection, or trauma they will lash out at others and unfortunately, loved ones are an easy target.

Consider a divorce where custody issues arose. Your kids are caught in the middle no matter how amicable you tried to make it. Their deep-seated pain may not be verbalized. It’s possible they were too young or lacking maturity to tell you how it made them feel.

Acting out or gaining attention by hurting you is all they know how to do. They crave your love and attention but don’t know how to reconcile the deep emotional pain they feel with their love for you.

Generational Affects

Scripture talks about a generational curse that is handed down from one to another. David is a fitting example of one who was rejected as the runt of the family. The prophet, when sent by Saul overlooked David as if he were too small. David was also the target of Saul who later tried to kill him. You can read about this in 1 Samuel.

When you study the life of David, you read about his son Absolom and his nature. David’s lack of dealing with his own issues passed to his son and those issues will continue to be passed down until someone stands up and says enough!

Is it possible that you are that person? Have you been rejected or abandoned by someone and kept the emotional pain inside? Do you notice that some of those triggers and emotions transferred to your kids?

I’m not trying to throw a guilt trip on you. Just understand how the cycle works. There is not a single person I know that hasn’t suffered emotionally from something in their past. It’s how you respond and transform that will break that cycle for you and your family.

Shift your Mindset with False Accusations

My story, if you’ve read it, was a mess. Family of origin issues transferred and coupled with my own choices. And that led to unhealthy decisions that hurt me and my family. My numbing agent was alcohol until that began to spiral out of control and God tapped me on the shoulder.

I knew I needed to give it up for my health – mentally, spiritually, and physically. I began to have heart issues and went through a series of tests. One doctor told me that my blood pressure was borderline stroke during his test.

I decided over the next few months to deal with my issues and give up alcohol. You see, I couldn’t do both. Alcohol numbed the pain, and I needed to look squarely in the face and deal with the root cause of the pain. It took some time, but God helped me through it, and I have been alcohol free for over three years.

Subsequent family issues arose, and I was forced to choose. Do I hold onto bitterness and anger? Do I lash out and take matters into my own hands? Or do I change my mindset and look at those false accusations through the same lens of my own emotional pain? It’s been a slow process, but I chose the latter.

Dealing with your own emotional pain doesn’t guarantee you a pain free future. You’ll still have family issues, but you will not be better equipped to deal with them in a healthy manner.

Consider this Perspective

When someone can’t or won’t face their own faults, they make you the problem. It’s easier for them to paint you as the villain than to take responsibility for their actions. It helps them avoid the truth.

The truth is it doesn’t matter how much they try to deflect or twist the truth; the reality is that it’s a reflection of their own inner struggles or insecurities. And you don’t have to carry the weight of their issues. Those burdens belong to them.

When someone struggles to acknowledge their own faults, they often resort to shifting blame onto others, making them the scapegoat instead of facing their issues. They may abuse alcohol or drugs to numb their own pain and that often intensifies the conflict between them and you.

This knowledge doesn’t make the pain of false accusations go away but it can help you begin to see their actions as a reflection of their own internal pain. Their actions are not a measure of your worth or value.

When I shifted my mindset to this perspective, I began to see the internal pain this person had experienced. Abandonment, lack of self-confidence, craving for attention and insecurity came into play. It didn’t excuse the behavior that inflicted pain onto me. But I began to see where the actions came from and that created a different emotion in me.

Use These False Accusations for your Ultimate Good

Armed with this new perspective, my emotional state shifted from anger and bitterness to sorrow for the life experiences suffered. I began to see that the struggles inside precipitated the behavior. It wasn’t personally against me. It was the cry of the heart begging for love, attention, and acceptance.

And it produced just the opposite because it made me angry and bitter initially. You may experience similar feelings with estranged kids or siblings. It hurts I know. Deeply. Personally.

Looking through the lens of this new perspective, the bitterness began to dissolve, and I found a new way to pray for this person who needed God’s love and acceptance more than anything else. My heart softened and finally I began to see what God meant when he said to forgive as I had been forgiven. And to love as I had been loved.

Are you struggling with false accusations spoken against you? Is your heart full of bitterness and anger?

Are you open to a mind shift to change your perspective as you consider their internal battles?

Peace Awaits

If so, peace is hovering and ready to flood your heart. You can’t hold onto bitterness and forgiveness at the same time. When you look at the issue as an internal struggle someone else battles, you’re able to let go of the personal attack and begin to pray.

And God is phenomenal at answering prayers prayed in earnest. Those that will honor him and bring healing and peace – if only to you.

For many, this is a lifelong battle and if you need help overcoming false accusations, estrangement or guilt, shame, and self-confidence, I would love to have a conversation. You can reach out at www.beckykolb.com/contact

And the next time you encounter false accusations, remember, you know the truth and so does God. Rest in that as you find peace.