Nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Emotional pain is often more damaging than any physical pain. And sadly, it is most painful when it’s created by a family member. Because that is intended to inflict brokenness.
A friend can betray you and while it creates disappointment and anger, the emotion intensifies when it’s someone in your family. Why is that? Because it’s family. And we expect them to have our back, love us and give us some grace. It’s often just the opposite.
Ending a relationship is much simpler with a friend than a family member, often leaving you vulnerable and stuck. Well, stick with me today and I’ll share some strategies to discover peace even when your heart is broken into pieces.
When Your Heart is Broken into Pieces
Arguments, accusations, and animosity abound and you’re reeling from the fact that a family member would engage in that behavior toward you. Especially if some of those accusations aren’t true. You want to fight back and defend yourself. Should you?
I’ve had a recent experience along those lines and the accusations were false. And the intent was to harm my relationship with other family members and even my business relationships. Angry doesn’t begin to express my initial sentiments.
Anger turned to disbelief and then into sadness. And my heart was broken into a million pieces. How you respond in each of those emotional states contributes to you finding peace.
My initial response, as I know it is for many of you, was to lash out. Set the record straight. Call out the hypocrisy. That’s human nature but it won’t serve you well overall.
Initial Response to Pain
Now, if you’re anything like me, patience isn’t a virtue. And so, when I tell you the first step, you may rebel but hear me out.
- Do nothing. See, I told you that you wouldn’t like it. How can you do nothing when someone in your family has just shredded you to other family members and friends? With all the strength and restraint God will give you.
- Okay, do nothing. For how long? Until you calm down and can think clearly and rationally because you cannot do that with a heart filled with anger. I know because I’ve tried, and it landed me in more hot water.
- Your heart is broken into pieces. Are you supposed to just back off and let them use you as a punch bag? In a word – no.
A Calm Mind Allows You to Think Strategically
With this intention shift your focus to calm yourself. Breathing exercises, stretching, a long walk or anything that will allow you to slow down the heart rate and think rationally.
My “go to” is a long walk. Fresh air, sunshine and being outdoors creates an environment that allows me to calm down and exercise is a great added benefit.
Not to mention that it causes you to focus on something other than the hurtful situation. The goal is to begin to think strategically and not retaliatory.
Once you’ve created time and distance, you will feel your heart rate diminish and the intensity of the anger will as well. Then, you’re ready to consider the next steps.
Thinking Strategically and Asking Critical Questions
Consider the relationship between you and the person who created the pain. Is this a one-off situation or ongoing? If its ongoing, how have you managed it previously? Did the situation improve?
What is the realistic outcome for this relationship if it’s ongoing?
- How often must you communicate or be together?
- Who else participates in this conflict? Other family members?
- What part, if any, did you play in the conflict?
- Could you do anything to manage it more effectively?
These are all questions to consider as you reflect on how you plan to respond. In my situation, it’s on going and my response will be one that will protect my mental health going forward. That is a worthy goal for you to consider.
Healthy Perspective to Consider
In situations where the conflict is ongoing, it is helpful to consider that they have unresolved issues to work through and it isn’t personal to you. You just happen to be the target. It still hurts but offers a glimpse of reasoning.
You can love someone but not have a relationship with them. When you can’t trust them or find yourself in the middle of one of their outbursts with false accusations, it’s important to consider the effect on your health.
And I’ve not even covered viewing this situation through the lens of scripture. What does God expect of you?
Biblical Perspective When Your Heart is Broken into Pieces
Once you calm down and accept the angry hurtful words spoken against you, a thought will arise. It did with me, and it centered on how God would want me to deal with this situation. He wouldn’t approve of any retaliation which is what I desired initially.
Consider that Jesus was falsely accused and maligned much of his time on earth. The difference is he is perfect, and we aren’t. If anyone had the right to retaliate it was him. But he didn’t. He was led like a lamb to slaughter and yet he was silent like a sheep when shears cut off the wool.
Another fitting example is when he hung on the cross. He was taunted and mocked. He could’ve come down and slayed all his abusers, but he endured. Why? Out of love for an obedience to God. He set a perfect example for us.
In short, he considered the long term and knew that his act of obedience would create the atonement for my sin and yours. And the one that hurt you with their false accusations. And he knew that all who accepted that sacrifice would have eternal life with him.
The lesson for me was to consider the long term and the example that Jesus gave on earth.
Does that mean staying in the presence of someone who is a sworn enemy? One that wants to destroy you and your reputation. Absolutely not.
How to Respond Biblically
God tells us to love our enemies and pray for them. He tells us to forgive them as we have been forgiven. He tells us not to retaliate as he says, “vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And he tells us to trust him and that he has our highest good in mind.
The hard part is believing it and restraining our desire to lash out. Anytime I’ve ignored his way and gone mine it backfires. And I’ve learned to take the time to calm down, think strategically, ask critical questions, and consider the Biblical response God desires.
What exactly does that look like?
When your heart is broken into pieces, you hurt deeply. And human nature wants them to hurt too. The best strategy to protect your mental health and respond is as follows.
- Don’t discount or explain away what they did to you. Acknowledge it and share your pain with God.
- Refuse to retaliate and trust God to make things right in his own way.
- Establish boundaries so that your time with the person is minimized.
- Resist gossiping about the situation.
- Forgive them and let it go. God has it in his hands now and forgiveness is for you – not them.
- Pray for them. It’s hard to remain angry and bitter when you’re praying for someone. Ask God to open their heart to see why they repeatedly do this. Ask him to bless them. To help them find a relationship with him if they haven’t already.
- Move on. Your heart may be broken into pieces, but God is a master at putting it back together.
It might help you to know that this doesn’t just happen to you. It’s a common flaw in many family relationships and why estrangement is so prevalent.
Accept the relationship for what it is. Should anything change and restoration occur in a healthy manner, you’re one of the lucky and blessed ones. And if it doesn’t then you’re still loved immensely and blessed beyond measure.
God holds your heart in his capable hands. Until next time, will you trust him with it and allow him to heal and defend you?
