What comes to mind when you think of the word closure? One definition is the act or process of closing something such as a relationship with an estranged person in your life.

Does that sound negative to you? What emotions does it evoke?

Another definition states that closure brings a sense of peace, understanding and release that comes with accepting that a relationship has ended. That’s the one I will focus on today.

Closure in this instance is focused upon the relationship ending. Think of that relationship that has created so much pain in your life. Do you want that relationship to continue? Or would you rather focus on rebuilding a new one with that person?

Today’s episode is one where I’ll focus on how to close the chapter on that painful relationship as you hand over the pen to God and allow him to write the chapters that follow. Let’s dive in!

Closure in an Estranged Relationship

Closure sounds harsh, doesn’t it? When you close the door in a relationship, it may seem as though you are ending it forever. And that may be the outcome. But there are other possibilities.

Growing up I recall my parents saying “Close the door, you’re letting all the cold air in.” Or, in the summer it was the stifling air. We closed the door to protect our home from unwanted harsh temperatures. Have you ever considered closure as protection?

Reading the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I learned that people have vastly different methods on dealing with conflict in a relationship. As women, we want to talk it through until the end. We want to know what caused it, why and how to fix it.

Men just want to retreat to their internal man cave and process. And if we try to enter that cave while they are processing – well let’s just say the outcome isn’t good.

You want closure on the issue that created the estrangement, right? And if both you and the person with whom you are estranged both want the same thing, then it can be an easy fix. Realistically, that’s not the case.

Closure – What it is and isn’t

What it is

What it isn’t

How To End the Chapter on the Relationship

Think of the last book you read. One chapter ends and another begins. Often, the new chapter doesn’t start where the last one ended. Authors may introduce new characters or situations to the story.

Once you’ve done all you can to mend an estranged relationship, rather than stew in shame, guilt, anger, and bitterness, it’s time to close that chapter.

Move on in your story to other characters and experiences. New relationships will emerge as old ones come to the forefront. Embrace your story as you let go of the emotional pain of the estrangement.

Books we love often push a character back until much later in the story when they reappear in a different light. Think of the Prodigal Son in the biblical account found in Luke 15. When this son comes back into the story, he’s a changed person, humbled by life and ready for a new relationship with his family.

Keep this concept in mind as you let go. You aren’t expelling that person from your life forever. You are letting them go as the relationship exists today.

Time Heals

Furthermore, you’re giving both of you a fresh start. As you let go of the pain and cease to replay those hurtful words, you are postured to experience transformation in your life.

When you allow closure, you’re giving a gift to yourself and the other person. No more running to the man cave of conflict to understand and resolve the issue. You allow that time and distance to bring healing to both of you.

Time doesn’t really heal all wounds, but it certainly helps. You’ll both benefit from the break in the relationship as you allow the old hurtful one to dissolve. Now, you have no control over how other people will use their time, but my advice to you is to be wise about your life.

Where do you need to grow – mentally, physically, and spiritually? Focus on you to ensure you are healing well. Whatever caused the estrangement is a focal point for you. Analyze your part and consider how you might manage the situation differently today.

You’ve given the gift of time to the other person and hopefully they will do the same. Even if they aren’t focused on their involvement in the estrangement, life moves on for them too. And as we see in Luke 15 account, sometimes lessons of humility, hunger and a desire for restoration may be the very thing that heals.

My Story of Closure

Recalling the estrangement with my family following my divorce and the circumstances that ensued, those relationships were ice cold. It was though they had been plunged into the icy waters with a barrier to prevent relief.

The emotional pain was intense. My focus was not only on the circumstances that created this estrangement but also on painful memories of earlier years in my life. The depth of rejection and isolation was great, and I didn’t see a way through these murky waters.

Like me, you may have past choices that were hurtful to others. You also may have a valid reason for pain that was inflicted upon you. You aren’t perfect. No one is. And typically, the greatest pain is family abandonment and rejection.

Time was a healing agent in my case as both my family and I grew spiritually and mentally. Moreover, that space created the next chapter of reconciliation and restoration. Today, those relationships are stronger than ever.

Closing the chapter on a relationship can be the healing balm you need as you move on and allow them to do the same.

The Chapter After Closure

Following the closure of a chapter of estrangement you may experience a long pause and the realization that it could be permanent. I encourage you to maintain hope. Not an obsessive one where you look daily for signs of emergence. A quiet hope that one day you’ll have a healthy new relationship with that person.

Several long years elapsed before the ice began to thaw and opportunities arose for my family and I to reconnect. Awkward best describes what I felt initially. But we had to break the ice and eventually love, forgiveness and healed hearts melted it all away.

Had the back-and-forth accusations and bitter words continued, I am certain reconciliation would not have been the outcome.

Do you forget the past pain? I wish we could, but God is the only one I know that is able to forgive and forget. What I can tell you is that pain no longer has any control or influence over our relationship. It’s in the past where it belongs.

Are You Ready for Closure?

No one understands better than me what it feels like to close that chapter. You worry that it is permanent. Will you see this person again or have a conversation? What if something tragic happens?

The tragic 9-11 incident happened during estrangement with my family. I was sure that would bring about reconciliation as people around the globe were coming together. That time passed with no communication. And I was certain then that reconciliation would never occur.

Looking back, God wasn’t finished working in our lives. We weren’t ready at that time to reconnect in a healthy way, and I learned that God’s timing is always superior to mine.

I don’t know your story, but I can feel your emotional pain. Although our stories may differ, the same God will write the next chapter with you and your estranged loved one. If you’re stuck with no movement, consider closing the chapter and letting that old hurtful relationship fade into the annals of time.

And like the cocoon, embrace the protection of God’s hand on your life and theirs until you both emerge as the butterfly, free and ready to reconnect in a beautiful new way.

Until next time, consider that closure on this chapter is God’s way of beginning the healing process so that a new relationship can emerge.