How do you move past estrangement so that you can pursue peace? That question came to me recently as I pondered what topics I could share with my audience of women dealing with estrangement.

It came through a devotional I read that joy and peace are the doorways for us to live by the power of the Holy Spirit. Joy is a deep-seated contentment found in knowing God’s presence. Peace calms our hearts amid chaos, allowing us to trust in his plans.

Only by letting go of the past hurts and emotional pain can we embrace the assurance that God is in control. And that’s really what we want, right?

My podcasts up to now have covered many topics around how to manage emotional pain. And if you haven’t gone back to listen, I encourage it.

Moving forward, I will focus on how to move past estrangement so that you can discover the lasting peace you desire. And it all starts with letting it go. Stay tuned!

Moving Past Estrangement

Who doesn’t want to move past estrangement? Wouldn’t you like to wave a magic wand and make all the pain go away and have a loving relationship again? I think most of us would answer affirmatively.

Unfortunately, that isn’t a strategy that works. I love the saying “It is what it is.” It’s like saying, this is the situation, and I can accept it or not. I choose to accept it.

That’s a great first step in your ability to move on. And women tell me that they struggle with this because they feel like they are giving up on the relationship.

Let’s think of it like this. Are you an introvert or extrovert? I am the latter. Social settings are comfortable for me, and I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them. A good friend is an introvert, and it is painful for her to be in those situations. She would rather go to the dentist than mingle with a group of people.

Accepting what is just means acknowledging where we are. Forcing her to attend a social function to make small talk would send her into a tailspin. Likewise, placing a muzzle on me in that same setting would make my teeth itch.

Step one to move past estrangement is to acknowledge what it is.

Whatever it is, acknowledge it and then accept that no matter how badly you want it to change, it hasn’t.

Keep the Door Open

Let your estranged loved one know you love them, and the door is open when and if they decide to have a respectful conversation.

Resist the urge to stir up conflict with anything else. That statement alone is sufficient.

Trust that message whether they believe it or not. If you are sincere about leaving the door open under those circumstances, it doesn’t really matter if they believe you or not.

Resist any well-meaning person who wants to share gossipy news about the person or situation. Shut it down. Remember, your desire is to move past estrangement. Opening the door for gossip will keep you stuck. Don’t get caught in that trap.

Time to Pursue Peace

Armed with the desire to move past estrangement, it’s time to develop practices that will help you pursue peace.

When you accept what is and cease to expect something that isn’t, you can stop obsessing over the relationship. It isn’t what you would like it to be and nothing thus far changes that. Acceptance is like a miracle balm. You are no longer trying to change the situation. That provides a tremendous amount of freedom.

Seriously consider the negative energy you are leaving behind and how much capacity has been created to focus on those things that bring you happiness and joy.

I am a list person, so I would create a list of things I wanted to do. My list included buying and riding an electric bike. I got half of it right! The newness wore off quickly and my husband didn’t share the same goal, so that one crossed off soon.

And I also wanted to learn to play the piano again. As a kid, I took lessons and enjoyed piano music. Once again, I am shopping for a full-size keyboard. This one lasted a few years. Although I never learned to play fluidly again, I could play a tune, and it was fun while it lasted.

What is it that you want to do? Make a list and get going. There’ll never be a better time than now.

Nothing Brings Peace Like a New Mindset

Resolve to keep focused on your new list of things to do. And while you’re at it, be sure to add a biblical assessment of who God says you are.

Get your journal, pen, and a Bible. I love to use the You Version app on my iPad and find topical devotions. One can be about identity in Christ. Google who does God say I am and read all the scriptures. You cannot stay in a negative mood about estrangement when you read all the attributes God says about you.

Walking is a hobby for me, and I love to listen to podcasts while I am out. Select a few favorites and listen while you exercise. You’ll love the combo of mental and physical exercise simultaneously.

What’s Next After You Move Past Estrangement?

If you follow these suggestions, you’ll find yourself in a more peaceful place. Continue finding your footing in this post-estrangement mindset.

Thinking less about the estrangement and more about my own life, I began to sense a new peace. I’m sure you will too.

Now what? What if the relationship never reconciles? Will you remain stressed and obsessed about it every day? Of course not. You want to live life and this is permission to do so.

And keep living. You may pursue a career move. Consider retirement. Relocate. Take a dream vacation. Whatever you would do if the estrangement weren’t a part of your life – do more of that.

Expect and Deal with Triggers

It would be foolish to ignore the triggers that are sure to come. Pay attention to those things that cause you to feel anxious or upset about the estranged relationship. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, a song, or a photo could be what sets you off.

Consider those things ahead of time and plan your response. No one escapes this part but moving past estrangement and pursuing peace requires that you think it through and be prepared. Because triggers will come.

Something that worked well for me was to shut down the negative thought. For example, if a birthday caused me to dwell on the fact that we no longer had a relationship, I would feel the pain for a moment and then move to a positive thought.

A positive memory would work. Or a fun birthday when there wasn’t any estrangement. And then I made myself move on with whatever was on the agenda.

You’ll learn to control your thoughts and not allow the negative ones to linger.

Enjoy a Life Free of Worry, Stress and Obsessing About Estrangement

God may provide a time when a healthy conversation can ensue. It may result in reconciliation and restoration. Keep that hope while you go on living your life.

And if it doesn’t happen, keep your heart free of bitterness and resentment. Keep living life and enjoying the blessings God’s giving you every single day. Because those don’t depend on you having a reconciled relationship.

Until next time, move past estrangement and pursue peace as you enjoy the life God gave you.

TOPIC: Podcast