If you’ve had an estranged relationship with someone, chances are you would love it to become a healthy one. Most who have estrangement also have relationships that are fun and enjoyable. You find yourself attracted to those people.

You can’t get enough of the joy and love emanating from relationships like that. Yet, the estranged one is part of the mix. Whether a family member, close friend or co-worker, conflict within that connection affects you more than you may realize.

Is it even possible the conflictive one could become healthy? What would that look like? Stay tuned to today’s episode where we’ll talk about what healthy relationships look like and how you can ensure you have one with yourself.

A Healthy Relationship Defined

What comes to mind when you think of a healthy relationship? Is it one free of conflict? One where you always agree on issues? If you find one like that, let me know because I’m sure it doesn’t exist. And if it does, I wouldn’t label it healthy.

Biblically speaking, a healthy relationship is one characterized by love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and humility. And it’s also one that places emphasis on mutual respect and direct communication.

How does that fit in with your relationships? Can you honestly say that these attributes exemplify how you relate to your friends, family, and co-workers? Or how do those people relate to you?

Most of us would honestly answer that we are lacking in some of these, right? And we know it’s lacking in those with whom we are estranged.

We’re human and fall short at times. But this is a start to define what a healthy relationship looks like. Moreover, it establishes a blueprint to follow not only in those good associations but in estrangement too.

Let’s Apply These Attributes to Estranged or Difficult Relationships

Let’s start with estrangement since that’s where you want to transition to a healthy relationship if possible. If I asked you to describe that connection, I’m guessing you would begin by telling me of all the awful things they did or said to you. You’re hurt and I get it because I’ve been there.

Have you ever played a song over many times because you just love the tune or the words? I can name a few where I’ve done that. The first few times it’s uplifting and emits feelings of joy and happiness. After a while, it becomes annoying to the point you may not ever want to hear the song again.

That’s how it is when you replay the hurtful things caused by someone else. Soon, you’re the only one that wants to hear it, and the truth is you would love to stop the track but aren’t sure how. Your family and friends are tired of hearing the same old story and begin to tune you out.

Yes, someone has hurt you deeply. And it isn’t the first time. But if you want a healthy relationship, the first step begins with you. Break the record and start a new song.

Shift Your Mindset

Paramount to your success in creating a healthy relationship with someone is writing new lyrics to your song. You’ll break the old record of replaying the old hurt and shift your mindset to you. Does that surprise you?

You may not realize it but shifting your thoughts to who you want to be rather than focusing on who the hurtful person is will be the catalyst to change for you.

Now, I realize that the estranged relationship may never heal and reconcile. That’s a hope but not the primary focus here. Once you focus on you and your relationship with God, he will begin to change your heart, and you’ll have new perspectives that you couldn’t see previously.

As a child of God, you have his spirit living in you that will help, guide, and move you to a new level. And you have his word to meditate on and use as his guide to be the person he created. Armed with that knowledge, let’s dive into what that looks like.

The New You

If you’re anything like me, you have been a Christian for a long time. You may have moved away from your relationship with God or reduced the priority in your life. That was me almost 30 years ago when I was at the height of estrangement from family.

Decisions I made created conflict within relationships, and we were estranged for several years. I yearned for a healthy relationship with my family and yet I was bitter that they had shut me out of their life. It was during this period of estrangement that I began to refocus on my relationship with Jesus and it’s where he did the most intensive work in me.

You may be bitter and angry or just deeply disappointed in a relationship. You may wonder how someone you loved and cared for can walk away from you or treat you so harshly. If Jesus can love you, why can’t they? Those are valid questions I asked.

In fact, I remember distinctly praying, Lord, why can’t you change their heart? And I heard him say – non-audibly – I can change theirs but first I must change yours. And that stopped me in my tracks.

I didn’t realize that I had withheld forgiveness and that was step one. He says to forgive others as we have been forgiven. And since I had been forgiven for much, well you get the point.

Why Do You Have to be the One Who Changes?

I can hear you because I asked this too. Why do I have to be the one to change when it wasn’t me that created this mess and estrangement? If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s hurtful actions that had nothing to do with you, then it’s a question you’ll ask.

And if you were involved but have tried to make amends and wonder why they can’t just forgive and move on, you’ll also ask.

Until you surrender to the Lord and ask him to do his work in you, you’ll be stuck. Furthermore, you’ll see no movement in the relationships until you lay your life before him. It’s a hard truth, but once you accept it, you’ll discover a world you’ve been seeking.

Forget everything else for a moment and just focus on you and God. I learned to pray in a relationship sort of way. I envisioned Jesus sitting in a chair across from me and it was more of a conversation. Me telling him what was in my heart, the things that crushed me and the emotional pain I felt.

And I listened as he filled my mind with his love, forgiveness, and acceptance. Moreover, he asked me to surrender everything to him.

Have you seen the social media post where Jesus is bent on one knee in front of a little girl. She’s holding a tiny teddy bear, and Jesus is asking her to give it to him. Behind his back is a huge teddy bear that he knows she will love even more. But it’s so hard for her to give up what she has not knowing what he must give her in exchange.

What a gratifying experience to surrender that which we have to a God that always has our highest good. We don’t see it immediately but when we surrender, we are not postured to receive his amazing gifts.

Are You Ready to Take the Next Step to a Healthy Relationship?

Taking that first step of surrender is the hardest decision. It’s possible you did nothing to receive the harsh and hurtful words of someone. Misunderstandings have ruined many relationships. Especially when you’ve done nothing to warrant that kind of behavior, your heart can become angry and bitter.

But once you make that declaration of surrender to God, your heart is ready for his healing work in you.

Consider these questions to ask of him and seek out in scripture.

When you begin to ask these questions, God will meet you where you are and show you. It may be in a scripture you read, or a comment by a close friend or family member. It may be in a song, or you could be driving along and suddenly something comes into your mind.

Caution! Evaluate those thoughts you have. Make sure they align with scripture, because God will never ask you to do anything that is against his word. I’ve found that God often speaks to me when I’m reading his word or when I’m out for a walk.

This is an exciting adventure, my Friend. You’ve taken your focus off the estrangement and emotional pain and placed it on Jesus and your relationship with him.

How Does This Parlay into A Healthy Relationship

Your shift in focus may not influence the estranged person in your life. In fact, they may resent it. One of the lessons you will learn is that you are responsible for you. In other words, your actions, thoughts, and words and how you respond.

They’re responsible for the same in their life and you have no control over that. And so, you let it go. Not in an angry or bitter way. Just accept what is and move on. There is always hope but it’s in God and not the other person. God can work miracles, and he may.

It’s possible that he may not. The other person may not be open to heart change, or they may be reeling in pain from something else and they just can’t move forward. Not everyone is at the same maturity level and some simply cannot maintain a healthy relationship.

The difference is that now, your heart is open if God chooses to bring the two of you together. You’re in a different place. You’ll approach the relationship with love and grace rather than anger and accusation. And you’ll be okay if he doesn’t. You will know your value and worth to him regardless of the outcome.

A Healthy Relationship Conversation

What if God opens that door and the two of you have a conversation. What might that look like? First, remember that you’re only responsible for you. Remove expectations. Come with an open heart and listening ears.

Pray ahead of time and establish some boundaries that you feel are necessary to reconnecting. Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. But it is a prerequisite if it is to take place.

It’s important to begin with a loving heart. It may be awkward at first, but you can break the ice by saying that you are happy to have the opportunity to talk about the relationship and that it is your sincere desire to reconnect.

You may apologize for whatever you’ve done or said that offended them. Listen to them and then begin to establish some boundaries for moving forward if that is the desire of both.

Consider These Boundaries

And then the proof is in the pudding. Whatever agreement you have, see how that goes for a period. Are they living up to their end? Are you? If so, then congratulations. You’re well on your way to a healthy relationship.

If they break the agreement and it spirals back into estrangement, you may have to learn to be okay letting go of that one. Your peace of mind is a key to spiritual growth. And God never intended for you to be someone’s punching bag.

Estrangement taught me to lean on Jesus and to learn from him.

It taught me that he loves me, forgives me, and wants to help me love and forgive others.

And it has been life changing. I’m on a long-term quest to grow in my spiritual life and learn from him when things don’t go my way. I hope that is your goal too. Your relationship with Jesus is one in which you won’t be disappointed. You may struggle at times, but you’ll always find him faithful and true to his word.

Learn to lean on him and trust his timing. And make sure you protect your heart so that you refuse to allow anger and resentment to take hold.

Until next time, endeavor to be better – not bitter.

TOPIC: Podcast