Stop replaying hurtful words that have been spoken to you. Because it isn’t helpful. It’s a sad but fact that families can say the most hurtful things to one another. And if you’re on the receiving end, it’s hard to get those out of your mind.
Have you ever streamed a favorite show or movie, and the dreaded spinning circle appears? It’s called buffering and it is quite annoying.
Hurtful words can be like that when the hurtful words spin in your mind and all you want to do is shut it off and get back to a peaceful life. I’ll talk about that in today’s episode and give you some tips so that you can ground yourself and discover peace.
Why Do People Say Hurtful Things to Loved Ones?
Some of the most hateful words are spoken to loved ones. And once they’ve spoken, they can’t get them back. We have all flown off the handle from time to time. That’s part of life. This episode is for those who have been maligned and endure hurtful words by someone they care about deeply.
When someone you love walks away from the relationship it hurts. And when you must endure gossip and hurtful words it compounds the pain. I talk with women frequently who experience this emotional upheaval with their kids.
Separation, divorce, and other life issues create chasm between a parent and child. Often, it is an adult child. You love them and they love you too. But something has caused them to break the relationship and it’s common that hurtful words ensue.
Replaying hurtful words is only a roadblock to your peace.
How To Stop Replaying Hurtful Words and Manage Emotions
I know it’s painful to hear such hurtful words from someone you love. You’ve tried to make amends. And it is ignored.
In earnest you’ve reached out with a phone call only to experience an angry outburst, and the phone slammed down. Or you’ve sent a heartfelt text just checking in and it goes unanswered. Months have elapsed since you last heard anything, and you just hope that they are okay.
Women have told me that they are estranged from a married son and the estrangement extends to his wife and even grandkids. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You want reconciliation but even more you desire peace.
My first tip is that you must take care of yourself. It’s a normal response to feel angry, alone, depressed and internalizing your loss. You may even begin to believe some of the hurtful things said about you. I’ve been there.
When you are triggered by hurtful words, do your best to immediately divert your mind.
- Go for a walk.
- Pray. Pouring out your heart to God is healing.
- Read a book.
- I love to cook and divert my mind there.
- Just don’t call a friend and rehash. Remember to pray.
When you’ve calmed down – and it may be a day or two – then you can reflect on a plan.
Stop Replaying Hurtful Words and Devise a Plan
When those hurtful words are hurled at you, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and discipline to resist. Consider that the other person may be trying to trigger you. Don’t fall into that trap. You will end up feeling even worse.
So, what do you do?
- Mental Gymnastics. It’s time to flip the script. You aren’t a villain. You’re a woman, a mom and have other wonderful attributes. Most importantly, God loves you and thinks you are impressive. So much so that he calls you, his child. Get into scripture and read all the amazing things God says about you.
- Start believing in you. You may not be able to trust people, but you can trust God. Over the many years of estrangement I experienced, I found him to be faithful and always there for me. Even when I didn’t feel I deserved it. Especially then. Bask in his love for you.
- Trust that you are more than a mom. Are you a businessperson? A leader in your community? An employee? A doctor or nurse? A stay-at-home wife? A single woman? Embrace the talents and gifts God has given you that make you unique. Focus on other relationships that are positive.
- Let go of expectations. It hasn’t worked too well for you in the past, has it? As a mom, we expect our kids to behave a certain way. We expect that they will be respectful. That doesn’t always work. And then we’re disappointed or hurt and spiral into a mess.
And when you’ve practiced these steps a few times, establish some boundaries for yourself.
Boundaries versus Expectations
Set some boundaries around the estranged relationship to keep from replaying those hurtful words. Boundaries mean you are in control. Expectations allow them to be. Here’s a couple of ideas.
- I refuse to be disrespected. And when they are, you simply state that you won’t tolerate that any longer and end any conversation. Let them know you’re open to talking when they can do so respectfully.
- Words and actions have consequences. I will accept responsibility for mine. I will not accept responsibility for yours.
You get the picture. Create your own boundaries that apply to your situation. But be aware. When you take control of your situation and refuse to play games, it will upset the apple cart. When others figure out that they are no longer controlling the situation they may turn up the heat.
Expect it and be okay with it. You’ll feel confident, empowered and in control of your thoughts and emotions.
Don’t Engage an Estranged Kid’s Spouse
Whether the estrangement begins with your kid or their spouse, resist the urge to engage with their spouse over estrangement issues. You won’t win that one. It will do more harm to your relationship with your kid and may prolong the estrangement.
You’ve heard the saying. A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife. Truer words have not been spoken. Like it or not, your son’s wife influences him, and your interference will only make things worse.
He is your son, and chances are he doesn’t want a permanent end to a relationship with his mother. Give him some space and let him figure it out. You’ve raised him well. Trust that.
Are You Ready to Discover Peace?
Stop replaying hurtful words in your mind. And exchange that space in your head for something positive. Play uplifting songs. Listen to your favorite podcast. Be deliberate about filling your mind with something other than the pain you feel.
Don’t get too hung up on the words that were spoken. Yes, they cut to the core, and you wonder how your own flesh and blood could say those things. Remember that many factors went into those words. They aren’t necessarily personal.
Consider that your kid may be going through some painful circumstances that you know nothing about. He or she may be duly influenced by their spouse or other parties. It’s possible they haven’t let go of some things and still carry baggage they need to deal with.
You can discover peace if you pursue it. Try some of the tips I’ve offered today and see what a difference it makes in your attitude. You may not reconcile anytime soon, but your mindset shift will land you in a much better place.
Until next time, endeavor to be better – not bitter.