Letting go of an estranged relationship seems so permanent. Is it even possible? And what does it mean to let go?
You may think it means the end of any hope of reconciliation and restoration. I thought that by hanging on, I was keeping all options open and the only thing that was open was sadness and pain.
Are you one of the over 70 million Americans with an estranged relationship? Then you know the emotional pain that wreaks havoc in your life. Whether you’re responsible or not, the rejection is painful and can leave your self-esteem in pieces.
You wonder if you can ever be whole again. Are you really a terrible person? How could someone who is supposed to love and care for you not?
Listen in today to learn when to stop reaching out and accept the relationship for what it is today. It’s not easy, but you’ll be glad you listened.
I am intimately acquainted with those emotions, and it wasn’t easy letting go, but it was essential to my mental health and by so doing, I was able to find peace and happiness again.
Estrangement
Estrangement comes in all varieties. Yours may be a parent who abandoned you, a sibling who rejected you or a child who no longer wants you to be part of his or her life.
You may have contributed to the estrangement or had nothing at all to do with it such as in the case of an abandoned or rejected child. No matter the cause, it creates a hole in the heart.
You feel your self-esteem is shredded. Triggers come out of nowhere and can reduce you to tears in seconds. You feel isolated and a stranger in your own family. And you wonder what’s wrong with you.
And yet, when I felt all these things, I wanted the relationship, and that desire made me feel guilty. Why would I want a relationship with someone who rejected me?
We’re meant for connection and family is the closest one we have. My biological father abandoned me and my mother when I was an infant. I’ve had other estrangements in family relationships, and I understand the desire to connect and the necessity of just being done with it.
When Should I Stop Reaching Out
Letting go and continuing to reach out is a tug of war that you may play for a long time. There’s no magic formula for knowing when to cease trying to make things work.
You may feel the need to apologize even if you were not at fault, such as in the case of abandonment at birth. And the apology may be met with silence. That deepens the guilt and shame.
Milestones such as birthdays are another time that you may attempt to make a connection.
When my first grandchild was born, I attempted to reach out to an estranged family member in hopes that this event might bring about a break in the relationship. When it was met with silence It just caused more emotional pain. How long would I do this? How long will you?
If you want the possibility of a reconciliation, it’s important to deal with your anger and bitterness first. The blame game isn’t pretty, and no one benefits. As long as either party continues hurtful jabs, the relationship isn’t going anywhere.
It’s hard to reconnect when the bridge is burning so try not to let that happen as far as it depends on you. This is a wonderful time to begin to work on you. Pour your time and energy into things that help you grow as a person.
The decision to stop reaching out is one that only you can make. Assess the situation.
- How long have you been trying to reconnect?
- What has been the response?
- If there has been no response, what makes you think reaching out one more time will change their mind?
- Is your motivation fueled by anger and revenge or a sincere desire to find peace in your own life?
If your efforts have been ignored and your motive is not revengeful, it may be time to consider ceasing and letting it be.
Letting Go of An Estranged Relationship is For You
When you let go of a relationship, it’s for your peace of mind. Since the estranged person isn’t communicating and has rejected you, this step brings acceptance of their decision and opens the door for peace in your life.
Today social media has a way to keep us connected whether we want to be or not. You may be estranged from a family member but still see their social media posts. And that can create more ill will and pain.
It’s hard to do, but I recommend that you no longer follow or function as a voyeur on their pages even though you desperately want to know what’s going on. You’re setting yourself up for more emotional pain and not really letting go.
If you’re like me, you just want to know that the person you care about is okay and so it’s not really going to do any harm to just take a quick peek at their social page is it? Yes, it is! Resist the urge and I promise it becomes easier.
How Do I Let Go of a Relationship When I Still Care?
Remember that letting go of a relationship is for you and it isn’t necessarily permanent. When you’ve made real attempts to reconcile and the other party isn’t responding, you’re simply making the decision to accept things as they are currently.
It’s like setting the person on a shelf and continuing to walk on in life. It’s making the decision not to carry the heavy burdensome pain any longer. They can always catch up to you if they desire a relationship in the future.
For a long time, I felt that if I stopped reaching out and just let go of the estranged relationship, I was a bad person. It went against my grain to stop trying. What I realized is that was faulty thinking that kept me locked in a painful emotional cycle that robbed me of my peace.
Some people are just not mature enough at the time to manage conflict or difficulties in a relationship. They have their own issues that may not have anything to do with you. Relationships are a two-way street, and one person cannot carry the other exceedingly long before mental and physical exhaustion occur.
The Boats Need to Sail
I want you to picture a scene with me. You’re standing on a shoreline and in the water is a canoe or two – each represents an estranged person in your life. You’re holding a rope tied to each boat. As you make attempts to talk to the person, there’s no response. Waves rock the boat and threaten to capsize it, but you hold on with everything you’ve got.
You feel that if you let go, the boats may sail out to sea, and you may never see the person again. As painful as it is holding onto the ropes, it seems more painful to let go.
Finally, you just can’t do it anymore. All attempts to reconcile are ignored and you decide to let go of the ropes. Only then do you realize how bloodied and bruised your hands are from holding on so long. You see, if you held on, the pain had nowhere to go. Now, you can focus on healing your emotions.
As you glance up, the canoes are pushing further out to sea. You’ve finally succeeded at letting go. They may come back to the shoreline someday ready to move forward and they may not. You have no control. You never did, but if you held on, you felt you had control. The truth you now know is that it keeps you imprisoned.
That’s what it’s like to let go of an estranged relationship. You’re now focused on your healing and the relationships you do have. And you’ll find peace you never thought possible.
It doesn’t mean that just because your estranged relationships are out to sea you never think about them again. If you are like me, you love them and want the best. I found praying for them helpful in keeping me focused on them in a healthy way.
Focus on Healing
You’ll need to find something to do with that time and energy you spent holding on. This is a wonderful time to dig deep inside and discover your passions.
- What have you wanted to do but never did?
- Sign up for musical lessons or start golf.
- Get a makeover with a new hairstyle or makeup.
- Start an exercise routine and get in shape.
- Spend time with the relationships you do have and make those count.
- Been thinking of a new career? There’s no better time than now.
Letting Go of Estranged Relationships is Hard but Consider Your Health.
You won’t realize the toll on your physical and mental health until you stop carrying a heavy load. This is a decision that you’ll make that is just for you.
That truth alone made me feel better about the decision. I was ready to do something just for me and I’ll bet you are too.
It isn’t a selfish act. It’s one of self-love and care. Isn’t it time you gave yourself some of both?
I hope you have found some hope and inspiration in today’s episode. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss more like this to help you deal with the estrangement in your life.
Until next time – Remember you are a beautiful and amazing woman!