Post-divorce kids’ estrangement is widely prevalent and may continue for many years. A recent conversation with a dad was heart breaking as he lamented the loss of relationship with his kids. Like many, the divorce wasn’t amicable, and the kids chose to side with the mom.

My purpose today is two-fold.

Divorce is difficult enough without blabbing to the kids about all the faults of one another. And yet this estrangement is often encouraged by one parent and their family.

If you’re facing estranged relationships with your kids amid or post-divorce, listen in for encouragement and strategies to maintain a presence.

Advocate for the Kids

I’ve known people that were mandated to hire an attorney for their kids in a divorce situation. Because the parents could not manage their emotions in the divorce in such a way as to act in their best interest.

Look, I get that divorce is hard.

But please if you don’t hear anything else today, leave your kids out of that part of your divorce. If you think your emotions run high, think about those kids who don’t share with you.

They love you both. Their life is upended, and uncertainty is on their mind. They just want a peaceful transition and to know their life will be ok. And when all they hear is hatred and negativity about the other parent, they spiral further down into depression. They tune out.

It’s not always the case anymore, but frequently the children have primary custody or living arrangements with their mother. If you are constantly berating their father, they begin to believe you and pull away from their dad.

Even if they aren’t sure the accusations are true, they don’t want to disappoint or hurt you further, and so they avoid contact with him.

That may work out for you temporarily, but kids grow up and they eventually see what happened. They may choose to resent you for keeping them from a relationship with their father.

And, finally, if the primary custody parent is the father, then the same is true for you. Just retract mother, insert father and the lesson is the same.

Post-Divorce Kids’ Need Both Parents

Unless your partner abuses the kids or is engaged in activity that could harm them, they need both parents. As a mother or father, I plead with you to avoid using your kids as a sounding board. Avoid using them to bash the other – even if they did terrible things.

As they grow up, they will see the parent for what he or she is. And never forget that people do change. If you are a parent who has an alcohol or drug addiction, the divorce may be the catalyst that will lead you to get the professional help you need. Avoid labelling the other parent.

The kids see that. They know. You don’t have to repeatedly tell them how horrible they are and what they’ve done to you.

This is the time to truly step up and be the advocate they need. This includes both parents. You can divorce your spouse, but you can’t divorce kids from their parent. You need to find a way to work in their best interest.

Encouragement for the Post-Divorce Kids’ Parent

You are the other parent. The one who is estranged from the kids. You want a relationship with them, but they won’t respond to your texts or phone calls. You’re sure that it’s because the other parent is bashing you and it makes you angry.

So, you want to lash out and let them know that what is being said isn’t true. You want to let them have a piece of your mind, because you too are a parent and how dare they ignore you? Oh boy, do I get it?

You are accustomed to at least some of the discipline and ignoring you is not something you would tolerate. But you’ve lost control, and they are acting disrespectfully. And there’s nothing you can do. Unless you exercise your authority in a text or phone call. And let me tell you, that will backfire.

It’s Not Fair

Divorce is not fair. The marriage is already troubled and then lawyers get involved and suddenly, you’re out. If the other parent is hurling accusations about you, it may also be coming from their extended family. You have no defense. The die is cast. The kids live with the other parent, and you exist outside their realm. Or so it seems.

Someone becomes the victim, and the other is the enemy. That’s not always the case, but I hear it often. And so, you’re frustrated with the situation. You aren’t sure what to do and anything you try doesn’t work. You’re ready to give up all hope. My biggest tip for you today is do not. Don’t lose hope. Why? Let me tell you.

Always Maintain Hope

Even when it’s difficult and you’re getting no response or cooperation. Even when they block you from their social media. And yes, even when they cast angry hurtful words at you. I know you may think I’m crazy, but I’ve lived through a not-so-amicable divorce with custody issues.

I’ve lived with estrangement from my kids because I was the divorcing parent, and all the blame was cast upon me. It was painful knowing that some of those accusations weren’t true and that they were missing big chunks of the story.

Trying to dispel those things while they are vulnerable, and hurting won’t work. It just pushes them further away. And to top it off, if you aren’t defending yourself then the family may further blame you for not caring or being selfish. You’re in a tricky situation.

So, here’s the hope.

No matter what is said about you, maintain the upper hand by remaining positive and non-responsive to critical jabs and accusations. Demonstrate your love and desire to reconnect when they are ready. You may be surprised. Eventually my relationship with the kids improved.

What About Those Times When I Lose Hope

I won’t kid you. It’s hard to stay hopeful all the time, especially when you do all the giving and get nothing in return. So, expect those times when hope fades.

If you plan for those triggers, you’ll be better prepared to hold the depression and hopelessness at bay. You can begin to:

Avoid placing any guilt on them because you weren’t included. The goal is to let them know in a positive way that you thought about them that day and celebrated in their honor. Post-divorce kids’ estrangement can be turned into a positive even if they don’t realize it at the time.

Are You Ready to Shift Your Mindset on Post-Divorce?

To summarize, if you are amid divorce, advocate for the kids. Avoid blaming and bashing their mother or father. As much as possible, work in a united front on behalf of the kids. Take the high road and you’ll always come out better in the end.

And if you are living in estrangement with your kids’ post-divorce, try some of the strategies offered to maintain a connection. Try to let go of the fact that you’ve lost control as a parent for now. Avoid using the heavy hand of discipline and let things play out.

One last thought. I said you may have lost control as a parent. But, you should never tolerate disrespect. When that occurs, simply let them know that you are always open to conversations, but you will never tolerate disrespectful behavior. All too often, a parent allows it because they are afraid of losing the relationship. That will never work well in the end. Stop it immediately.

Thanks for listening today and I hope you’ve found some encouragement to keep you hopeful. Post-divorce kids’ estrangement is disheartening but you can find encouragement to help.

Until next time – Remember you’re doing the best you can. You’re not perfect and neither are they. Keep your head held high and remain hopeful. Time heals a lot of things.

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