The shame of estrangement lives in all of us. You may not be estranged from anyone right now, but a strong likelihood exists that you may in the future. Does that surprise you?
When you consider that over 70 million people in the U.S. alone are estranged from at least one person, it’s no wonder that it’s far reaching. Estrangement doesn’t play favorites as it affects all levels of society.
A parent, child, sibling, close friend or relative, co-worker and every other relationship is at risk. And it’s often called the silent epidemic because of the shame they feel. I’ve known that shame and the emotional pain that ensues.
Shame can linger deep in your soul and affect all other relationships both personally and professionally. You’ll want to listen today to find out how to move past the shame of estrangement and experience healthy relationships.
The Shame of Estrangement
Why do you feel shame when you’re estranged from someone? I’ve spoken to people who have no idea why someone they loved decided to end a relationship. If they caused any pain or resentment, they don’t know about it and yet the shame is intense. Why?
Shame is destructive, plain, and simple. It has no useful purpose other than to steal your joy and destroy other relationships. Its opposite is guilt. Guilt works in your conscience and often recalls a mindset, pattern, habit, or action that requires you to decide.
In a marriage, you may have said hurtful words to your spouse in an intense argument. You’re feeling guilty and must decide if you apologize or allow it to fester. Guilt moves you to make amends for something.
Shame on the other hand attacks your person. It says things like “you’re a bad person.” Or “no one will ever love you.” It may suggest something like “if anyone knew about this you would never be hired or get that promotion.”
Shame attacks and is intended to destroy your emotional well-being. It’s a liar and the sooner you shut it down the better. But that voice is intense and speaks often. You bury it and make attempts to ignore it, but it comes back to life. How do you move past the shame of estrangement?
Our Minds are Like a Hard Drive
Have you ever deleted an email address from your computer only to discover that as you begin typing that person’s name, their old address continues to populate? Even though you’ve entered the new one. It can be so frustrating.
Consider an email that you delete by accident. You panic and then remember you can go to the recycle bin and restore that file.
Attempts to move past the shame of estrangement can be similar in that you delete a memory or occurrence from your mind only to discover it’s still in the recycle folder in your mind and will rear its ugly head when you’re triggered.
We’ll talk more about how this affects your shame later in the episode. For now, think about that old, deleted shameful memory and why it continues to pop up when you thought you were done with it. When that shameful demon shows up, what do you do? You shift the mindset to the address bar of your brain.
You may have to do that multiple times until you train the brain, like a computer, to recognize the new and realize the old is gone. Or has no power.
Training your Mind
Your mind is like a hard drive as it stores information short and long term. Why is it that suddenly you remember something that happened years ago? What prompted that memory? A song, a smell or something that was said.
That memory was stored in the brain and a trigger brought it out of the archives. The shame of estrangement is similar. You’ve ignored it, buried it, and thought it was gone forever. And a trigger causes a flood of emotions as an incident comes front and center.
I’ve learned in my own estrangement that you must train your mind, just as you do your computer when you’ve deleted something that comes back. I’ll share some tips on how to train your mind so that eventually that shame is permanently deleted.
A New Identity
Isn’t it true that you grow as a person? You aren’t the same person today as you were ten years ago, right? You have life experiences that have taught you better ways to manage relationships. Your faith can play a part as well.
I began to focus on who God said I was and let go of what others said about me. I wasn’t who they said I was. My life took on an entirely new meaning and I wanted to lean into this new identity.
As I began to focus on who I am, my self-confidence began to rebuild. As that trigger tried to tell me I was a bad person or unforgiven or unlovable, I rejected that lie and affirmed my worth and value. Now, my confidence didn’t take off and soar. It was a slow rebuilding. Much like typing over that old email address with the new.
Continue to Rebuild Confidence
Shredded confidence is one hazard of shame. You’ve allowed yourself to listen to that voice for too long and it’s affected how you think and act in your other relationships. It may affect your performance in your career.
Shame affected how I led others in my business relationships. I wanted to lead so that I could make a positive impact on others. And often I did, but occasionally when triggered, the old shameful voice returned, and I found myself responding to others out of that negative place.
When you feel confident about who you are it’s reflected in everything. I recall a time when I was on a mission to lose weight. I had allowed unhealthy eating to consume me for a few years. My health was affected and my confidence diminished.
This was my plan and the results.
- This mission began with a resolute determination to lose 30 pounds. I knew in my mind that I could do it. I didn’t allow negative thoughts to linger. I had a diet plan. I began to walk every day. As I exercised, I listened to podcasts that were encouraging and uplifting.
- And over the course of that year, I lost 30 pounds. I felt great. My confidence boosted. I tackled new challenges with vigor. I felt accomplished because I had fought with my weight far too long.
Have you done something similar? Tackled something daunting, challenging, and conquered? Doesn’t it feel amazing? I had a new bounce in my step. Sleeping came easier and honestly; my arthritic joints were happy they weren’t supporting that extra weight too.
That’s what you will feel when you finally gain victory over that shame of estrangement that hangs over your head. Choose your own battle to tackle. Something you’ve long wanted to accomplish and then make a path to victory. A strong confidence will help delete that old shame forever.
Expect Challenges
Shame will not die easily. It loves its position of taunting you and making you feel as if you’re worthless. But you can gain the upper hand. Just as in the weight loss plan, I tackled, challenges arose.
My husband and I were on a 30-day trip of a lifetime, and I had just lost the weight. As I checked the itinerary, I noticed that breakfast was included daily and either lunch or dinner. And sometimes all three.
I panicked. Fear set in as I thought of gaining weight back. I had worked so hard and didn’t want to put it back on. How was I going to enjoy this wonderful trip with all the food offered? Now, I know this is minor compared to feeling the shame of estrangement, but there is a principle here.
Whatever journey you’re on, expect and plan for challenges. Prepare ahead so that you have a plan when that trigger arises.
- I determined that I would find healthy foods and take smaller portions.
- Despite my mother telling me I had to eat everything on my plate, I no longer had to do that. Do you remember that in your childhood? See how things stay with us for a long time?
Anticipate challenges that you’ll face and prepare a response, so you are less likely to cave. And for those unexpected triggers you didn’t anticipate. Give yourself some grace and move on.
Getting Rid of Shame for Good
Consider your current estranged relationship.
- Think openly and honestly about what occurred.
- What was your involvement in the estrangement?
- How could you have overseen it differently? This is an opportunity for personal growth.
- Have you sincerely apologized for your part? You’ll want to do this to get rid of guilt.
That last one admittedly is the hardest. When a co-worker goes behind your back and causes you to lose a promotion or recognition for your work, it hurts. And you’ll never trust that person again. But you can forgive.
When a beloved family member makes accusations that just aren’t true and ends a relationship with you, the pain is deep. They may reject any efforts for you to have a conversation and rectify the situation. Your relationship may reconcile, and it may not. You can forgive.
You see, forgiveness is for you. It’s a gift you give yourself and is often the last step in conquering the shame of estrangement.
When you’ve done each of these steps, you’ve done all you can. You have no control. Learn what you can from what happened so that you don’t repeat it in the future. Forgive them and let them go. Your heart will feel 100 times lighter.
And finally, reject the shameful messages that target your well-being. Call it out for the liar that it is. And go back to what we discussed earlier in retraining your mind with truth.
Replace Those Triggers from a New Heart
By now, hopefully you understand that the shame of estrangement is intended to destroy you and your relationships. Shame does nothing to reconcile past hurts. It doesn’t even provide an opportunity for you to grow from experience.
It’s just simply destructive. You can speak to the shame with this new knowledge. You have authority over your thoughts. When those shameful voices begin you can replace those thoughts with who you are.
An example might be helpful.
You begin to hear that voice that says you’re a terrible person. Speak the opposite. I am a thoughtful, considerate, and loving person. I have relationships with people who love me.
The voice might continue to say “yes, but they don’t know about that and if they did, they wouldn’t love you.”
And your response might be “I no longer listen to the voice of shame. You’re a liar and destructive and I order you to leave and not return.”
You may feel that’s a bit on the weird side, and so did I when I first began practicing this. But the fact is that you are a wonderful person with value to yourself and others. You’ve grown from many experiences. You deserve respect in your relationships, and you give respect to others.
Get used to practicing this and just like that computer memory the old will fade away as the new continues to overwrite the former shame and blame.
The shame of estrangement will keep you locked in old patterns of thinking and responding. You want to break out of that stronghold, and you can. If you’ve tried before and find yourself falling back into old habits, that’s ok. Everyone does.
- Anticipate those challenges.
- Go back to who you are and make those affirmations.
- Revisit your responses to triggers and be prepared to challenge those old thoughts. Essentially, get back on track.
I fell off the wagon a few times on that weight loss quest. But I brought the mission back to the forefront, jumped back on the track and continued with the mission. And I succeeded. It takes a long time to retrain that computer of yours called a brain. But stick with it and you will find you are a fabulous programmer!
Are you Ready to Destroy Shame in your Life?
I want to encourage you. You can do this, my friend. You are capable. You have value as a person and a purpose in life. You don’t have to remain stuck in this destructive shame cycle. Isn’t it time to get off that merry-go-round and move on to a new playground.
The one where your mindset, self-confidence and action plan builds your character and healthy relationships? Reach out to me at https://beckykolb.com/work-with-becky/
And if you’re not quite ready for that, contact me at https://beckykolb.com/contact/ and let’s have an initial conversation and see if the next steps are worth considering.
And if you haven’t downloaded my own story, I think it will encourage you. You can get that at https://www.beckykolb.com/guide
I love helping people overcome shame too and use guilt to grow personally and professionally. And I love the growth I see as they shift their mindset, tackle new challenges, and achieve the dreams that have been buried deep inside.
Thanks for listening today and I hope to connect again with you soon.
Until next time – Remember you’re a beautiful and amazing woman!
