If you’ve been through a marriage breakup then you know that divorce and estrangement go hand in hand. Divorce is hard and complicated. Relationships suffer. People think divorce affects the two married partners and kids, but its tentacles reach much further.

That’s what I discovered in my divorce 30 years ago. No two divorces are the same. Breakups occur for a variety of reasons. What remains constant however is the effect on kids.

There is a scripture in the Bible where God says, “I hate divorce.” And I know why. It teaches people to hate, and it destroys relationships.

What I want to offer you today is tips on minimizing the negative impact on your kids. And how to minimize divorce and estrangement with those you love and care about.

You may look back at your divorce and wish you had overseen it differently. I sure do. Don’t beat yourself up. There’s hope.

Divorce and Mindset

Divorce is a deep personal decision that people make. The number of divorces has dramatically increased over the years and unfortunately, kids are often the ones left reeling. And often the split married couple are burdened with guilt and shame. That too affects all your relationships.

My goal is that the tips I offer today will help minimize both. And if the divorce has already occurred, these tips will help you navigate back to a healthy environment for you and your family.

Whatever the cause of the breakup, others will want to interject their assessment and judgement. They will lay blame on one of you and they’ll take sides. Expect that. It’s part of the process.

What you need to know, whether you initiate the divorce or not, is that there is always a buildup beforehand. It takes two to make a great marriage and two to break up. Now, you may be thinking, but he or she had the affair. Or became an addict.

And that’s true in some divorces. But what led to the affair or the addiction? That’s what people don’t take time to think about. I know people whose marriages have survived infidelity and other heavy issues, but too often that trust is hard to earn back.

In a divorce where kids are involved, the priority should be their needs. And I know all too well how difficult that can be when you are amid conflict and painful emotions. You’ll want to minimize divorce and estrangement as much as you can.

Tip #1

Avoid playing the blame game.

Accept that both parties contributed to the breakup. Whether you are the initiator or the other, you’ll feel intense emotions and that’s understandable. You’ll want to lash out and lay blame. Choose a close friend or two that you can confide in and remain tightly lipped to others.

As a family member or friend of the divorced couple, you have opinions about it, but you have no idea of all that took place behind closed doors. Certainly, support your friend who is going through it, but do your best to avoid judging and bashing the other. What that hurting person needs most is someone to listen and love them through it.

If you’re the one directly involved, as painful as it is, try to keep an open mind about the decisions and actions that led to this point.

Feel the emotion but don’t let it consume your every waking moment. Especially when you have kids involved that are watching both parents carefully.

This part of the breakup is often where divorce and estrangement begin to take root.

Divorce and Kids

Kids take in so much but often don’t let it out. This is true regardless of their age. And it’s damaging for them to hold their emotions inside. You may think they are managing it well, but based on my experience, they’re hurting. They may not want to say anything for fear of upsetting one of you.

Their feelings and well-being must come first if you’re to get through this painful process in the healthiest manner.

Tip #2

Family and friends are well meaning but you are the ultimate decision maker.

They want to help, and they care for both parties and the kids. But they don’t live your life and can’t make decisions for you. Listen to their input. Consider their suggestions and then make the best decisions for you and your family. Even if it is different from the input you received from them.

Tip #3

Consider a licensed therapist for you and your kids.

One that specializes in divorces. They will be a third party that is trained to listen and help you through divorce.

My divorce was far from amicable. That compounds the impact on the kids. I wish that I had managed our divorce differently. You may feel similar. Even post-divorce you can get back on track in a healthy manner with your life and your kids.

Avoid bashing the other parent. Kids don’t want to hear either of you speak negatively about the other. They need to be assured that you both love them and will be there for them even in new living arrangements.

Whether you’re considering or amid a divorce, you can learn from my mistakes with the tips I offer. If you are post-divorce, work on healing for you and the kids and don’t beat yourself up. Explore the tips offered and get yourself and family life back on track.

Finally, realize that kids may suffer for longer than you think they should. Understand where they are and help them through as long as it takes. Avoid being too busy with your new life to spend time with them and give them the reassurances they need.

Expect Estrangement

I don’t know of very many people who come through a divorce unscathed in terms of relationships. The divorce wasn’t just between you and your ex. There was also a divorce from the in-laws and your friends as couples.

Your in-laws will support their child. Hopefully, your family will support you. Remember they loved you both and they’re hurting from loss of relationship too. And they care deeply about their grandchildren so try and give some grace and keep communication lines open when possible.

Despite all efforts, people will choose a side. While they don’t have to accept one and reject the other, that typically is the case. Try not to take it personally. You’ll both need your own support.

A dear friend once said during her divorce that relationships were like a set of teacups that represented relationships. At divorce, the teacups were tossed into the air and you’re just waiting to see what happens when they come down.

Some will be shattered. Others chipped and hopefully some will remain intact. The interesting part is you won’t know the result until after the divorce. Those that you think will be loyal may not. In my case I was disappointed by some that shattered and surprised by some that remained intact.

Tip #4

Let the teacups fall where they may.

You can’t predict who will remain loyal and supportive and who won’t. Don’t judge those who choose to side with your ex. Your relationships are going to be impacted. You’ll find some favors you and others favor your ex. Accept what is and cherish those that love and support you during this tough time.

And it’s a wise decision to avoid burning any bridges. Time has a way of revealing things, and it may turn out that someone who rejected you will come back into your life and be a great friend. You never know how relationships will turn out over time.

Divorce and Estrangement

You can do everything to the best of your ability and still be judged and rejected. That may be especially true if you initiated the divorce. Or if you were unfaithful. Or had an addiction that led to the breakup.

I’m struck by a man who told the story of his mother being addicted to drugs. Because she wasn’t dependable, another family member raised him. Years later after he was an adult, his mother became clean. She was able to break the addiction and remain so to this day. He was able to forgive her and reconnect in a relationship.

The point is that people do change. When two imperfect people enter marriage, they bring baggage with them. It’s one thing if it’s healed baggage and another if it isn’t. And I can tell you it’s difficult to have a solid marriage when you’re both dealing with past unresolved issues.

Tip #5

Empty your baggage before you marry.

It may be too late for you now, but you may remarry. You don’t want to be carrying that old baggage plus more into a new relationship.

And if you are in divorce, consider whether you have confronted those demons and if doing so might alter the decision you are considering. Unhealthy baggage equates to an unhealthy marriage.

Emptying the Baggage

How do you empty the baggage? It depends on what all is in the luggage and how much you’ve dealt with it. Abuse may require time with a licensed therapist. A sure-fire way to tell if you’ve dealt with it is to consider how you presently deal with those emotions as they arise. Are you numbing them with alcohol or something else?

You want to get yourself into a good place and if you need to look back and deal with some painful past issues, take the time to do it. You’ll be amazed what a healed and healthy mind can do for you and your relationships.

If you’ve dealt with those past issues but find yourself stuck from time to time from the remnants of divorce and estrangement, you’ll benefit from coaching where a third party can see what you can’t and help you move forward. That’s what I do.

Tip #6

Avoid medicating to avoid the emotional pain.

It’s easy to stuff your emotions. I get it. You don’t want to feel them, deal with them, or remember them. Are you using one of these to medicate your pain?

Mine was alcohol. Until I became fed up and wanted to deal with it finally. I was tired of the effects and the toll alcohol was taking on my health. Despite numerous attempts to moderate, I was unsuccessful and made the decision to give it up permanently and deal with my emotional pain.

A challenging thing to do when living in an active adult retirement community where happy hour is the order of the day. But I managed to give it up and discovered the wonderful benefits of better sleep and a clearer mind. It’s truly one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.

In my story, which you can download at www.beckykolb.com/guide, I share my experience with estrangement on various levels. And I share the source of my hope when I was at the lowest point of my life.

Use this time to get yourself healthy. Work on the relationship with yourself. It will positively affect your personal life, career, other relationships and open the door to new possibilities.

Reconciling Relationships in Divorce and Estrangement

Some of your estranged relationships may not be permanent. Such as in the case of family. They’re hurt and may be angry with you about issues surrounding the divorce.

Tip #7

Let them have their time to process.

Chances are they will come around and while they may never agree with decisions you made; they love you. You love them. Remain open minded when the deep freeze begins to thaw. Everyone processes these things on diverse levels and from differing perspectives. It’s not always entirely about you.

And what if they don’t come around? What if the estrangement doesn’t end?

Tip #7

You can’t make someone love you or have a relationship with you if they choose not to.

Accept it. Make sure you’ve done these 3 things.

I will add in prayer because I prayed incessantly that the relationships would be restored. Some were and some were not.

And it’s important to realize if you have adult children that they are responsible for their own healing. You can’t do it for them. They’ll reject any attempt to parent them. They may harbor bitterness and resentment and continue to blame you.

Resist the urge to be bitter. It’s their choice. Love them and then move on to focus on those formidable relationships you do have. Remain hopeful. In time they will hopefully confront their own emotional pain to pave the way for restoration of the relationship.

And another key factor to consider is that people want to see change. They don’t want to hear about it. Work on your own life. Start a new hobby. Plan fun outings with your kids. Learn a new skill. Invest in yourself with coaching to help you reach the next level you’ve desired. Be the change you profess.

Dealing with Guilt and Shame

Divorce and estrangement aren’t the only issue you’ll have. No matter what side you are on, you’re bound to experience guilt and shame. Guilt can move you to make some needed changes and so therefore it can be a positive factor.

Shame on the other hand, is always a negative. It’s destructive and harmful. It attacks your worth as a person. Making you think you are a bad person. Or unlovable. The truth is you aren’t. You’ve made some decisions and even some bad ones, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.

Tip #8

Don’t believe you are who others say when they judge you.

My worldview is biblical and so I put my trust in what God says about me. And although God is disappointed by decisions you may make, he doesn’t throw you to the wolves. He loves you, forgives you, and has plenty to say about who you are in him.

Saying yes to God has made me a better person today. And I’ve discovered a lasting internal peace despite my decisions and circumstances. He feels the same about you.

My friend, I know divorce and estrangement well. I know the emotional pain, guilt, and the shame. Estrangement for me lasted several years. I know the difficulties my kids faced and the far-reaching damage to relationships. I know what it did to them and to me. And that was a source of guilt and shame for a long time.

You can look back and wish you had done things differently. Or you can realize that you did your best at the time and focus on how to heal your pain and work on restoring broken relationships.

Guilt spurs you into recognizing something and taking action to do something about it.

Shame condemns you and says you are a terrible person.

Use this time to get healthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually. There is no better gift for you and your kids than to spend the time you need to improve yourself. Learn to forgive and accept God’s love and forgiveness.

Relationships may not be healed. You may still have work to do on your baggage. You may still wrestle with guilt and shame. But you don’t have to. And until you figure out a way forward, you’ll remain stuck.

I know you want to move forward. I did too. And I want to tell you it is possible, and you’ll be glad you did.

Divorce is a complicated and emotionally charged decision with lingering consequences. If you’re interested in learning more about navigating the process or getting healthy post-divorce, go to https://beckykolb.com/work-with-becky/ or reach out to me at https://beckykolb.com/contact/

Until next time – Remember to be better – not bitter!

TOPIC: Podcast