Estrangement affects millions of people and creates intense emotional pain. But what if I told you that you can have positive outcomes from estrangement?
I know that may sound like a contradiction. How can anything positive come from an estranged relationship? If you’re like me, estrangement is the culprit of an angry and resentful heart.
Whether your estrangement stems from actions on your part or not, it hurts deeply. Guilt and shame live within and are a constant reminder that something is wrong with you.
Triggers come out of nowhere and turn a perfectly good day into a sobbing crying mess.
People that are supposed to love and care for you don’t and now you’re reading that positive outcomes of estrangement are possible? Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
Estrangement is Hard to Understand
I’ve had my share of estranged relationships and although most are healed and restored, not everyone has been.
Moving on is especially difficult when you don’t even know what caused the estrangement. Like me, you can guess. You can recall every single conversation as far back as you can remember to see if you can produce a reason.
But that’s fruitless and non-productive. You aren’t a mind reader and if the person who rejected you isn’t willing to share their concerns, there really isn’t anything else you can do.
Your estrangement could be an abusive parent who has never apologized to you for what they did. You’ve worked through some hard stuff, and you just really want to move on. But the mind is a stubborn thing and can’t seem to forget the pain.
How can anything positive come from this?
Control What You Can in Estrangement
The key to positive outcomes is to control what you can do and let go of the rest. What does that mean? Well, you can control you and no one else. Yet we spend endless energy trying to control what we can’t. That’s maddening.
Think for a moment about your estrangement. What have you done to make reconciliation attempts?
- Apologized for any part you played or hurt you caused.
- Attempted to listen to their side of the story? (I realize that some will not give you that opportunity).
- Earnestly reached out to try to rebuild or reconcile?
Pride will sometimes keep a person from doing these things. I know firsthand. You don’t feel you caused the rift and therefore, you aren’t about to apologize. Your estrangement could be a result of abuse and the abuser may never apologize and you do not want reconciliation.
But often, estrangement is the result of misunderstanding. Sometimes just getting together and having an open and honest conversation will clear things up. That’s hard because it takes a willingness to listen.
I once told a person with whom I was estranged that I was listening with my heart as well as my ears. It made a world of difference. That relationship is fully reconciled today.
If you’ve made those attempts and the relationship remains estranged, it’s time to work on those positive outcomes of estrangement.
Positive Outcomes of Estrangement
Look within your heart and deal with any bitterness or anger if it still exists. If you haven’t been able to forgive, letting to may give you the space to think it and move towards forgiveness.
This may sound like an easy step that can be done in a one-hour time slot. It’s more often a lengthy process that starts with a decision of the mind. Positive outcomes of estrangement start with the ability to forgive. Take some time to explore and work on it.
And coupled with that process, begin to exchange those feelings of resentment and bitterness with new growth and those things that improve your self-esteem and confidence.
Start a New Hobby
I bought an e-bike and began to ride. It cleared my head and provided some exercise. And I had taken piano lessons as a kid and had a desire to take it up again. I bought a keyboard and some music and pecked away until I learned to play again.
Learn a New Skill
It’s a new language or you’ve always wanted to start a podcast. Whatever it is you’ve thought about but never got around to, reignite that.
Focus on Your Health
As I age, I’m more aware than ever of the need to stay in shape. Whether you join a fitness center or grab a yoga mat at home with You Tube instruction, start working on your physical health and it will improve your mental acuity.
Don’t Forget About Your Friends and Family
You may be so consumed with the loss of a relationship that you forget to invest in the good ones you have. Carve out some time to enjoy those that love and care for you. It’s hard to focus on an estranged relationship when you’re enjoying the company of those you love and enjoy.
There are many ways to produce positive outcomes from estrangement. In the early years, I poured myself into building a business and helping others achieve their dreams and goals. That was fulfilling and rewarding. The key is to take the focus off what you don’t have and can’t control. And redirect to what you can control and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Let Go of Resentment and Let Peace Enter
As you decide in the mind to let go of the resentment, bitterness, and anger of an estranged relationship you will create space for new emotions. And eventually you’ll find the peace you desire. Your heart may take some time to catch up to your mental decision but hang in there. It will come.
Positive outcomes from estrangement are possible but it takes a shift in mindset, a resolute decision to let go and a commitment to pursue that which brings peace into your life. Are you ready? You can do it. If I can let go with the estrangement I’ve had, anyone can. I believe in you and your ability to begin to achieve positive outcomes.